How to make people understand how bad I feel

[sicko]

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too.

I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell.

We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused.

Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all.

Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ).

My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

@Bananarice

Your husband can take some time off to help arrange childcare, or delegate it to someone else.

Not according to the OP.

Well done for booking some help. Your dh does need to sort things to be able to help at least a bit though. Have you asked your docs about Cariban? It was the only thing that helped me enough that I could at least eat some things.

If you are stuck at home your ds would get so much from nursery, he would be doing lots of fun activities and using up his all his energy with other children. I definitely think you should look into this sooner rather than later.

OP, have you tried Ondansetron? It's difficult to get prescribed initially but it changed everything for me. Nothing else worked at all.

Good luck.

Glad you’ve found someone. For the longer term contact your local council as they should be able to give you a list of registered childcare in your local area.

OP CONTACT PREGNANCY SICKNESS SUPPORT!

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

This charity honestly stopped me from having to terminate my second pregnancy. Starting steroids saved both of our lives.

I do not believe that any of the people here saying that you just need to get on with it have ever truly experienced HG. It puts you all through the most difficult decisions but it is not your fault.

For the next few days I would see if you can get an emergency sitter/nanny. Your DH should sort this.

I’m pleased you found someone. Babies and little kids are hard enough to look after for a couple of hours. Your SIL has been showing you without telling you that she isn’t up to the task of looking after your child for extended periods. That’s okay. Nobody knows what the daily grind of looking after a little REALLY entails until it happens to them. (I have to admit that although I loved my babies and kids ferociously and would have killed to protect them (huge coming from a pacifist), the daily life (and exhaustion) of motherhood did not come naturally to me at all. Your SIL probably doesn’t have kids and is accustomed - and entitled- to independence. She knows you’re sick, but probably genuinely has no idea whatsoever what it’s really like for you because she hasn’t been in your shoes. People who haven’t felt this way tend to lack empathy.

OP, so glad you’ve managed to book someone. Who cares if your in laws are offended. They’ve let you down, and you’ve needed to take action.

Agree with @pinguwings about contacting Pregnancy Sickness Support - I don’t think I’d have got through my pregnancy without them

Glad you’ve managed to get a sitter OP. I appreciate that you have HG, however it isn’t your SIL’s responsibility to sort out your childcare issues. You sound a bit entitled. Instead of focusing on the in-laws, the next step is to get your toddler into nursery, for your own sake, seeing as your DH isn’t helping much.

The thing is with HG is that no one truly understands what it's like until they have it. Your sil probably thinks you just feel a bit sick now and again. I know it's nothing like that at all. So you have my sympathies. There is a brilliant supportive group on here run by a fantastic lady. It really helped with ideas and medication ideas etc. hope you start to feel better soon.

You're angry at the wrong person. Your husband needs to step up. If he can't or won't he needs to pay for help in his place.

I do not believe that any of the people here saying that you just need to get on with it have ever truly experienced HG.

Is anyone actually saying that, though?

I think the majority of people are saying the OP is being unreasonable because she is expecting her SIL to change the arrangement from looking after the OP’s child while the OP is at work, to looking after both the child and the OP herself, who is now on sick leave. I wouldn’t do that either, especially unpaid!

Just to say I'm really sorry you're going through this OP - and a lot of posters have been totally unsympathetic because they will have absolutely no idea at all what the reality of HG is, if they're never been there and done that. Suggestions of lots of small meals are laughable - nothing at all stays down! Food, water, nothing. That's why women and babies are killed by HG.

I had HG for the first part of my only pregnancy and I could no more have looked after a toddler than I could have grown wings and flown to the moon. Even with modern rehydration treatments and anti-sickness medications I was lucky to have survived with no lasting organ damage.

I really hope things improve for you OP. Sending you a huge hug - but from a distance, so the smell of my skin doesn't make you start vomiting!

Op, I can't imagine how hard and frustrating that must be. I think your only option is to get a nanny in, someone to come help with DS during the day. It's difficult because I know it's no one else's responsibility to support you but I know some families would support in any way they can so I can understand why you're upset.

@luckyJasmin

Why did you get pregnant the second time if you're not coping? I'd love to live in Italy but it is not realistic or manageable.

Your DH needs to cut his hours.

Erm, maybe because she's not psychic, and didn't realise that she would be so poorly. Who the hell do you think you are? Does it make you feel good to come on here, hiding behind a username, and making people feel even worse about themselves than they already do? You must be such a horrible person to want to write this.

I really feel for you.
I felt like my whole body had been severely poisoned during my first few months of pregnancy, l had never felt so I'll in all my life.
Just do what you can, forget about the rest, and know at some stage these awful symptoms will pass.
I am normally a very active outdoorsy person, but l remember laying on the sofa, with the tv on for my toddler, feeling so wretched and guilty.
I hope you get some help, sometimes you have to spell it out that you need abit of extra support. Good luck.

@Moonface123

I really feel for you. I felt like my whole body had been severely poisoned during my first few months of pregnancy, l had never felt so I'll in all my life. Just do what you can, forget about the rest, and know at some stage these awful symptoms will pass. I am normally a very active outdoorsy person, but l remember laying on the sofa, with the tv on for my toddler, feeling so wretched and guilty. I hope you get some help, sometimes you have to spell it out that you need abit of extra support. Good luck.

Thank you. That's where I'm at. Then imagine the person who said they'd look after your toddler just refusing to do so and coming online and people telling you it's your own fault for changing goal post because you were the one dumb enough to get pregnant and then sick. As said person only agreed fo look after toddler if you're working ( from home may I add ). You can't make this up.

In any case, I'm getting professionals in now and I'm sure that won't go down too well, but I don't care. I need consistency and help now.

OP can't you go home? Wouldn't
You be better at home?

As for pp saying you don't believe posters disagreeing with the OP have never had HG is really ignorant.

I didn't tell her to just get on with it, I told her to make other arrangements

I was sick 40/50 times a day and it lasted the full pregnancy - it was horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but you're still an adult and a parent and you have to deal with things. And yes, I sympathise with the pp who vomited blood too - gross and scary.

OP I have every sympathy for you but I don’t think your last post is very fair. There’s been one poster (who so far everyone has disagreed with) who made the comment about getting pregnant again which was ridiculous. No one is saying what you’re going through isn’t awful and really hard, it is. What people are trying to say is your SIL agreed to look after DS whilst you’re working, which you’re not AND even if she did, the responsibility shouldn’t fall to her. Your DH is the one you should be cross at, it’s his child too and he should be stepping up regardless of his business.

Your SIL may not understand the gravity of HG any more than I do as I’ve never had it and should absolutely help if she can, but in the gentlest way possible, isn’t obligated to.

I’m very glad you’ve found professionals to help and hope it all goes well for you.

I don't see any difference in the SIL looking after the child while OP is working and her looking after the child when she's ill. She said she'd look after the child for x hours a day you'd think it would be even more important to help when OP is very ill. Really really shitty of the SIL to be just going away for days at a time when the OP is in this state. Would she just have fucked off for 3 days and left the kid if the OP had been working after she'd agreed to mind him? It's bizarre. Sone people in here must just have families that don't give a shit about each other because I don't know anyone that would leave a family member like this when they have the time and ability to help.

But…this really isn’t your SIL’s problem!! I do sympathise with you. I get that it’s very very hard. But to lay all of the responsibility for this at her door - to the point that you’re commenting on her time out of the house and for being out and about at the weekend - is grossly unfair.

@MelKarnofskyCrane

But…this really isn’t your SIL’s problem!! I do sympathise with you. I get that it’s very very hard. But to lay all of the responsibility for this at her door - to the point that you’re commenting on her time out of the house and for being out and about at the weekend - is grossly unfair.

She shouldn't have offered to have the child though so I can see why the OP is upset. She was due to have the child all day during this time anyway, only difference is that OP is in bed ill instead of sat at a desk. Understandable you would be pissed off at someone renaging on childcare in these circumstances.

I’m really sorry you’ve been let down and things are so difficult. Whereabouts are you? We may be able to make suggestions?

Have you tried asking SIL for help?

Your situation is different. She may not realise she's still needed.

I feel like there's a failure of communication here. Still. Look at nursery, ask SIL if she'll do the drop offs and pick ups.

Not sure why you’re fixating about your SIL. It’s your husband who should be getting more involved. Surely he’s the babies father? Why are you trying to make it SIL’s problem?

I've found a really nice sitter and I'm interviewing a nanny. Will just leave SIL out of it completely.