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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to make people understand how bad I feel

159 replies

sicko · 05/10/2021 23:22

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too.

I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell.

We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused.

Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all.

Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ).

My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

OP posts:
BurntO · 06/10/2021 00:25

She doesn’t owe you anything. Your situation has changed. Your commitments have changed. Your responsibilities lie with you. I understand it’s hard but this will breed resentment and it really isn’t her problem. Clocking how long she’s out the house for!? Really? You are taking issue with the wrong people. Your OH needs to take action. He/as a couple you are choosing not to adjust his work. Make peace with It

Rachie1973 · 06/10/2021 00:25

Because you’re not working. I imagine she thinks you’ll be able to look after your child yourself.

I know it’s awful for you but she hasn’t let you down. She’s still helped a lot.

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:26

Forget about the sil op!

You have bigger fish to fry.

You say you're very unwell and your husbands business is extremely fragile, he is of no support to you at the moment you need immediate care /help with your toddler ....and you want to spend your time and energy going on and on about someone who kind of broke a promise and hasn't given what you deem a suitable reason or excuse???

Come on.

TimeToDateAgain · 06/10/2021 00:26

Honestly I have so much sympathy for you, but most people don’t get it, particularly child free people who think Morning sickness is just a little nausea to laugh about.

I feel for both you and the OP. It's exhausting and relentless when the retching never stops and you're sicker and sicker because you can never rehydrate properly.

NoTimeToDye · 06/10/2021 00:26

Gently, I think you need to forget about SIL.Don't waste another second getting frustrated about her.

Can you book someone for tomorrow and the next few days using Sitters? If anyone asks why you just say you're too sick to cope with DS and can't rely on SIL.It is the truth.

www.sitters.co.uk/

Original poster
sicko · 06/10/2021 00:28

[quote NoTimeToDye]Gently, I think you need to forget about SIL.Don't waste another second getting frustrated about her.

Can you book someone for tomorrow and the next few days using Sitters? If anyone asks why you just say you're too sick to cope with DS and can't rely on SIL.It is the truth.

www.sitters.co.uk/[/quote]
Thanks so much I'll check this out and you're right. They will be offended by this though. But it's 100 percent how it is.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:30

If your husband wasn't completely absent from your family life this wouldn't be an issue.

If you were working,she would take care of your child.

But now you are unwell, this is your husband's place to step in. He can't/won't so you're expecting his sister to take on a partner role.

Just no.

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:31

These are family issues many go through.

That's why you partner up and have a family with someone. Your partner.

This woman is not your partner. She was helping with a work arrangement. Not helping you with your family life.

julieca · 06/10/2021 00:33

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.
I know you want your SIL to step up, but she clearly is not going to so you have to look at other solutions.

amusedtodeath1 · 06/10/2021 00:35

I understand OP, It's really debilitating. The reason I didn't have a second child is because I didn't know how I would cope if I had another HG pregnancy and a Toddler to look after.

I think you really need to speak to DH and see if he can get through to SIL just how badly you need her help right now.

Flowers
julieca · 06/10/2021 00:37

Can BIL help?

notthemum · 06/10/2021 00:37

Op.
You are ignoring what posters are saying. Your SIL said she would help while you were working. She did not say she would look after you and your child while you were ill.
You said that you told your SIL that you couldn't be left alone like last weekend. Then you say that you have never asked for help at the weekend. I am sorry that you are ill but as pp have said this is not SIL fault. She is not in the wrong and she does not have to keep you informed of her movements. If your husband cannot manage his company without working seven days a week then maybe he is in the wrong business. Also as a pp mentioned, maybe you should have taken everything into account before getting pregnant with another child when your first was so young.
Childcare.co was a good shout from another poster , they have nannies, au pairs, babysitters and childminders. Best bet probably a nanny because not many childminders will pick up and drop off at your house you usually have to take the child to them.

Original poster
sicko · 06/10/2021 00:37

[quote NoTimeToDye]Gently, I think you need to forget about SIL.Don't waste another second getting frustrated about her.

Can you book someone for tomorrow and the next few days using Sitters? If anyone asks why you just say you're too sick to cope with DS and can't rely on SIL.It is the truth.

www.sitters.co.uk/[/quote]
Oh my goodness !! This link ! What a revelation. I'm so relieved. I've just booked someone for the rest of the week. Thank you so much !

OP posts:
Swirlingasong · 06/10/2021 00:40

Op, I am amazed by some of these responses. If I had offered to care for my nephew, I would do it, especially if my SiL was so ill, and I would feel let down in your situation too. But, as others have said, you need your dh to help find a nursery.

greenlynx · 06/10/2021 00:41

OP do you want to find a solution or just to do some moaning about SIL? Any of them is fine, it’s just easier to post if you know which one.
I would book someone and ignore in-laws, just discuss it with your DH. What he think about the situation is more important but of course your health is the top priority.

greenlynx · 06/10/2021 00:42

Just saw you’ve booked someone, hope it will help you!

Original poster
sicko · 06/10/2021 00:43

@Swirlingasong

Op, I am amazed by some of these responses. If I had offered to care for my nephew, I would do it, especially if my SiL was so ill, and I would feel let down in your situation too. But, as others have said, you need your dh to help find a nursery.
Yeah it's OK. It's good to see different opinions on the matter. I take it on board, but I know what I think and feel about this.

It's also different families and cultures etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
sicko · 06/10/2021 00:44

@greenlynx

OP do you want to find a solution or just to do some moaning about SIL? Any of them is fine, it’s just easier to post if you know which one. I would book someone and ignore in-laws, just discuss it with your DH. What he think about the situation is more important but of course your health is the top priority.
A bit of both, I think ! But I think I've definitely found a solution and I feel like a weight has been lifted. So it's worked out really well. Thank you all
OP posts:
me4real · 06/10/2021 00:44

Glad a PP gave you a link that looked promising @sicko . Is it due to your needing help that you're staying at the in laws?

I would be annoyed too. I hope things get sorted soon and you feel a bit better/can manage. Flowers

MelKarnofskyCrane · 06/10/2021 00:45

What do you mean by the different cultures comment? Can you elaborate?

R0tational · 06/10/2021 00:47

Why is everyone being so callous to OP?

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy OP, hope your difficulties ease Flowers

Flowers500 · 06/10/2021 00:47

I don’t think it’s at all fair to expect your SIL to become a carer for you and a toddler, she never signed up for that and frankly it’s not remotely her responsibility. It smells a bit like a woman’s work kind of situation, where the man who actually has responsibility in the situation just sidesteps, and you’re somehow laying the blame at the door of a random woman

EmeraldShamrock · 06/10/2021 00:49

Place a local advertisement for a paid childcare service 2 days weekly.
It is very hard to rely on family for free childcare.
I had severe sickness on both though 6 years apart.
I hope you feel better soon, waiting around on SIL isn't working.

monarchoftheglen · 06/10/2021 01:07

Glad you've managed to get someone for the rest of the week - I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Bananarice · 06/10/2021 05:04

Your husband can take some time off to help arrange childcare, or delegate it to someone else.

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