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Original poster

How to make people understand how bad I feel

159 replies

sicko · 05/10/2021 23:22

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too.

I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell.

We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused.

Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all.

Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ).

My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

OP posts:
Shadowboy · 06/10/2021 14:00

If it’s that bad then you need to put your child in nursery. You can’t rely on someone else to fix your problems. You are lucky your sil helps for the times she does.

I don’t understand how it can be that bad, but not so bad that you can’t find a nursery….

Doubledoorsontogarden · 06/10/2021 14:05

Look at local nursery’s, register with your local nanny/childminder group in Facebook and get childcare sorted.

Engage with healthcare professionals to get anti sickness and rehydration treatments, keep going with them, don’t give up if they don’t immediately help.

Derbee · 06/10/2021 14:26

@Cadent

Glad it's sorted and hope you feel better.

I remember reading a recent thread about a 'normal' person is treated for HG in hospital compared to how Kate Windsor would have been treated, it was eye opening. Flowers

It wasn’t eye opening at all. That poster had an extreme form of sickness. Nobody knows what treatment Kate received, or how long her sickness lasted. I was taken into hospital for IV fluids and IV anti sickness way before I was critically ill or vomiting blood. I couldn’t have had better treatment, and my local hospital has a day unit for HG rehydration, to avoid most people needing hospitalisation etc. The other poster’s HG lasted throughout her pregnancy, Kates obviously cleared up relatively early because she was out and about during her pregnancy after the early weeks of sickness.
VapeVamp12 · 06/10/2021 14:39

I really cannot believe the responses on this thread. SIL said she'd help with childcare! Being ill is more of a reason to need childcare in my opinion. Especially with HG.

So glad you've found a temporary solution OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Lavender24 · 06/10/2021 14:45

Glad you've sorted it OP. I was so sick during my pregnancy I could barely manage to clean out my pets never mind look after a toddler.

seaandsandcastles · 06/10/2021 14:49

Your SIL said she would look after him while you were working. You’re not working. So why would she think she was still to look after him?

Have you actually asked her to look after him still even though you’re not working?

3luckystars · 06/10/2021 14:54

How long is your husband going to have to continue working 7 days a week? Is there an end date?

CouldWeStartAgainPlease · 06/10/2021 15:04

I feel so sorry for you OP and can't believe how incredibly unsympathetic and just nasty some of the responses on this thread are! You've been let down badly by your SIL at a time you needed her, and she'd promised to help.

It is not always possible for DPs to just 'cut their hours' etc and you had put in place a mechanism to mitigate that (your SIL) which she didn't follow through with. I'm struggling to understand why some responses can't see that.

Anyway at least you've seen your SIL in her true light now and you know she can't be relied upon. I'm really glad you've got someone else coming to help and I hope that you can get something - anything - to help with the illness.

XiCi · 06/10/2021 15:23

Your SIL said she would look after him while you were working. You’re not working. So why would she think she was still to look after him?
Why wouldn't she think she was still to look after him when she is living in the same house as OP and can see how incredibly ill she is. Surely more of a reason to look after him! It's not like the OP is off work and in the pub all day. No decent person would leave their sil to struggle like that.

HighNetGirth · 06/10/2021 15:31

I think some of the replies to you have been really harsh. I agree with everything that CommonRoom said.

Just make sure that from now on you do what you need to do to look after yourself and your toddler. Let your DH deal with his family.

mamaoffourdc · 06/10/2021 15:37

Did you ever ask her why she wasn't prepared to help anymore? Or why hasn't mil/fil helped out? What did they say to your dh about why they weren't helping anymore?

IntermittentParps · 06/10/2021 15:49

@sicko

It sucks because if I was working, she'd look after him as agreed.
I don't get this. Has she explicitly said she won't look after him now because you're not working but ill? Can she not see how you're struggling? She sounds shite.
WorraLiberty · 06/10/2021 17:27

Maybe she's pissed off at the baby's dad who not only does nothing to help the situation, but doesn't seem to be expected to either?

Neonplant · 06/10/2021 19:47

[quote sicko]@Neonplant maybe my husbands circumstances have changed ? How about that? Thanks for beating me up more whilst I'm down. And before you say maybe your sister in laws circumstances have changed and she can't now do what was agreed, they haven't. Or at least she's not told me. [/quote]
You seem really angry at anyone but your husband. It's a shame because it seems like he's setting you up for a lifetime of doing it all.

Maybe she's also pissed off at your husband not pulling his weight?

Pointing out your husband is doing fuck all and expecting a grown woman to pull him up for it is not beating you up while you're down. It's asking you to be an adult and require responsible behaviour from the right people. Which is your husband. Sorry if you don't want to hear that.

What has changed so drastically in his buisness since you got pregnant?

I'm sorry you are having a hard time but you're really directing your anger at the wrong person here.

thaegumathteth · 07/10/2021 01:07

OP why are you staying with your in laws?

FateHasRedesignedMost · 07/10/2021 12:44

And before you say maybe your sister in laws circumstances have changed and she can't now do what was agreed, they haven't. Or at least she's not told me

Is she obliged to tell you? I imagine she’s quite young and hasn’t had much experience with toddlers, or experienced debilitating HG. But it sounds like you’re directing all your anger at her, instead of your husband.

Your husband’s business may need him to work 7 days a week to keep it afloat, but you also need him (even if just to organise appropriate childcare for you and not land the responsibility for his wife and child on his sister!)

She agreed to help for set times and days while you worked. Now she’s seeing you caring for your child yourself, despite HG, and from what you say she’s stepped in to help a lot, including when you were in hospital. You spoke earlier in the thread about telling her you couldn’t be left alone for a weekend again, and not knowing where she was in the evenings upset you, which must have been rather stifling for her. She has her own life and can’t be on hand to help you whenever you need her. I think she’s made that clear.

I’m glad you have sorted professional childcare now and I hope the nanny means you can rest.

Original poster
sicko · 07/10/2021 14:45

@FateHasRedesignedMost

And before you say maybe your sister in laws circumstances have changed and she can't now do what was agreed, they haven't. Or at least she's not told me

Is she obliged to tell you? I imagine she’s quite young and hasn’t had much experience with toddlers, or experienced debilitating HG. But it sounds like you’re directing all your anger at her, instead of your husband.

Your husband’s business may need him to work 7 days a week to keep it afloat, but you also need him (even if just to organise appropriate childcare for you and not land the responsibility for his wife and child on his sister!)

She agreed to help for set times and days while you worked. Now she’s seeing you caring for your child yourself, despite HG, and from what you say she’s stepped in to help a lot, including when you were in hospital. You spoke earlier in the thread about telling her you couldn’t be left alone for a weekend again, and not knowing where she was in the evenings upset you, which must have been rather stifling for her. She has her own life and can’t be on hand to help you whenever you need her. I think she’s made that clear.

I’m glad you have sorted professional childcare now and I hope the nanny means you can rest.

I've already said I never expected her to be around in the evenings and at weekends.. but carry on.
OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 07/10/2021 15:08

I just want to say I am so sorry, OP.

Derbee · 07/10/2021 15:26

@sicko you’re not in the wrong to be upset. Most people have no idea how crippling HG is. Anyone suggesting going to look round a nursery, or getting on with it etc, is clearly picturing pregnancy nausea and sickness rather than HG.

Stop wasting your time fighting with people on this thread. What’s the point? You’ve managed to book a nanny. You should be asleep

Original poster
sicko · 07/10/2021 15:54

[quote Derbee]@sicko you’re not in the wrong to be upset. Most people have no idea how crippling HG is. Anyone suggesting going to look round a nursery, or getting on with it etc, is clearly picturing pregnancy nausea and sickness rather than HG.

Stop wasting your time fighting with people on this thread. What’s the point? You’ve managed to book a nanny. You should be asleep[/quote]
You're right ! Nanny cancelled. So next week we are starting nursery. I think it's more reliable ! Hope he enjoys it and settles in well.

OP posts:
Derbee · 07/10/2021 15:56

Ah, glad you’ve found a nursery. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Briony123 · 07/10/2021 16:33

@TimeToDateAgain

Honestly I have so much sympathy for you, but most people don’t get it, particularly child free people who think Morning sickness is just a little nausea to laugh about.

I feel for both you and the OP. It's exhausting and relentless when the retching never stops and you're sicker and sicker because you can never rehydrate properly.

Although this sufferer claims to be at her wits' end, incredibly ill, crying all the time etc etc and yet able to type all her problems into Mumsnet, relentless complaining about her SIL, and we are supposed to take her seriously..?!
Howshouldibehave · 07/10/2021 16:40

Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked

This was arranged BEFORE you got pregnant? How pregnant are you? How many week until you are in your own house?

Nataliefrances123 · 07/10/2021 17:38

you poor thing! you need some proper help not help from the family occasionally when they have nothing else to do.
Write down a list of options( childminder/ nursery etc) in your area and start contacting people ASAP.
Go back to your doctor to see if he can give you something else

lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 07/10/2021 17:46

Whats the point of staying there? Have you actually spoken to sil directly? What are pil doing? You will need to find a nursery or a childminder.