Page 2 | How to make people understand how bad I feel

sicko · 2021-10-05T22:22:03+00:00

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too. I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell. We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused. Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all. Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ). My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me. I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me. I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

Pinkchocolate · 05/10/2021 23:45

For whatever reason your SIL isn’t going to help. It’s down to you and your husband to arrange your childcare so YABU. I suffered with HG for all 3 of my pregnancies and DH had to take lots of unpaid leave. I spent half of each pregnancy attached to a drip and we did what we had to to survive. It’s hard but you’ll get through it, with the help and support of your DH hopefully.

thaegumathteth · 05/10/2021 23:48

I've had HE and it's hell. I had no family nearby though and we knew a second pregnant could be like the first so we made sure ds was old enough and at nursery before tic. Life isn't always perfect though and I understand that but your child is your responsibility. And your dh's. It's crap and unbelievably hard but that's the truth.

Your sil presumably offered to help because you'd be out at work, you're not so she doesn't want to - that's kind of her prerogative tbh and you can't expect her to be planning her weekends around you.

You and dh need to find a solution to this - a childminder or a nursery or whatever but you can't expect other people to take on your child and responsibility , sorry.

Why are you staying with your in laws? for me, I'd much much rather be at home.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2021 23:48

I think people who are pregnant and struggling need to look at nurseries. If you can't look after him then you dont have much choice. He is 2 not 2 months - he will be fine. It will make you a better parent when you do spend time with him.

I also dont understand why your husband is working 7 days a week. Unless this is a short term emergency (eg his business partner has just left him in the lurch and he is doing double the workload temporarily til he can find a replacement in a month) it is not a viable or sustainable job if he is working 7 days a week and one day off will cause the business to collapse.

If you are struggling and the business is close to collapse could he just stop working and support you while applying for other jobs?

Original poster

sicko · 05/10/2021 23:50

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think people who are pregnant and struggling need to look at nurseries. If you can't look after him then you dont have much choice. He is 2 not 2 months - he will be fine. It will make you a better parent when you do spend time with him.

I also dont understand why your husband is working 7 days a week. Unless this is a short term emergency (eg his business partner has just left him in the lurch and he is doing double the workload temporarily til he can find a replacement in a month) it is not a viable or sustainable job if he is working 7 days a week and one day off will cause the business to collapse.

If you are struggling and the business is close to collapse could he just stop working and support you while applying for other jobs?

Yeah it's more of a short ish term emergency and no one will open the doors unless he does it. So the business just won't run.

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Original poster

sicko · 05/10/2021 23:53

@thaegumathteth

I've had HE and it's hell. I had no family nearby though and we knew a second pregnant could be like the first so we made sure ds was old enough and at nursery before tic. Life isn't always perfect though and I understand that but your child is your responsibility. And your dh's. It's crap and unbelievably hard but that's the truth.

Your sil presumably offered to help because you'd be out at work, you're not so she doesn't want to - that's kind of her prerogative tbh and you can't expect her to be planning her weekends around you.

You and dh need to find a solution to this - a childminder or a nursery or whatever but you can't expect other people to take on your child and responsibility , sorry.

Why are you staying with your in laws? for me, I'd much much rather be at home.

No I wouldn't be out at work. I work from home. She didn't keep her promise and I also don't expect her to help at weekends at all. That wasn't the arrangement at all.

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NicLondon1 · 05/10/2021 23:53

Try childcare. Co. Uk, they always have very good options

Original poster

sicko · 05/10/2021 23:53

@NicLondon1

Try childcare. Co. Uk, they always have very good options

Thanks so much

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owlbethere · 06/10/2021 00:04

My toddler went to nursery 5 days a week when j had HG because I couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was vomiting hundreds of times a day and my kidneys started to fail, it was the most horrific period of my life and I lost 5st by the end of my pregnancy and my baby was 8lb15oz so Eve. More post delivery.. Honestly I have so much sympathy for you, but most people don’t get it, particularly child free people who think Morning sickness is just a little nausea to laugh about. My own mother thought I was being dramatic until the day I tore my throat and vomited blood all over her bathroom like a horror movie.

Get a nursery place.

Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:05

@owlbethere

My toddler went to nursery 5 days a week when j had HG because I couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was vomiting hundreds of times a day and my kidneys started to fail, it was the most horrific period of my life and I lost 5st by the end of my pregnancy and my baby was 8lb15oz so Eve. More post delivery.. Honestly I have so much sympathy for you, but most people don’t get it, particularly child free people who think Morning sickness is just a little nausea to laugh about. My own mother thought I was being dramatic until the day I tore my throat and vomited blood all over her bathroom like a horror movie.

Get a nursery place.

Oh my goodness. That sounds horrific.

Yeah it has to be nursery of a nanny. Nursery will probably be easier to arrange.

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WorraLiberty · 06/10/2021 00:05

Your DH might be working 7 days a week and simply taking a couple of days off would be the 'collapse of his entire company'.

But surely he can find time to search for a nanny?

HeddaGarbled · 06/10/2021 00:08

Stay in bed and cry.

Derbee · 06/10/2021 00:09

I have HG, so I understand the hell. I don’t even have any other children to look after. But at this point, you cannot be picky about not wanting to send your DS to nursery. Times must.

Even when people say they’ll help, they often help less than you are expecting, and you feel let down. Take responsibility for your own situation (you and your DH) and arrange childcare for your son. Presumably nursery or a child minder will be quicker than a nanny

Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:14

@Derbee

I have HG, so I understand the hell. I don’t even have any other children to look after. But at this point, you cannot be picky about not wanting to send your DS to nursery. Times must.

Even when people say they’ll help, they often help less than you are expecting, and you feel let down. Take responsibility for your own situation (you and your DH) and arrange childcare for your son. Presumably nursery or a child minder will be quicker than a nanny

Yeah nursery it has to be I think. Been looking for a nanny for a while and it's really hard.

I just personally wouldn't make arrangements to help someone and then let them down in their hour of need. But seems like everyone thinks that is acceptable behaviour and my fault for thinking she would stick to the agreed plan.

But it's all good. I know now. We will take care of our own stuff and not expect people to stick to their commitments. But the next time I get blackmailed with ' family is everything and will always help you, so you need to do XYZ ' from my in laws, I may bring up how let down I was during this time.

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Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:15

Your husband can search and call nurseries at work .

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:16

He can do SOMETHING

BurntO · 06/10/2021 00:16

OP even if you were working, you aren’t entitled to anyone’s help regardless of what they “agreed”. Things change, people have their lives. Your children are no ones responsibility but your own.

It is not harsh to point out this is what you chose. Maybe DH needs. 9-5 job. Self employment is hard and I don’t know many people who would pursue it in situations like yours.

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:17

I just personally wouldn't make arrangements to help someone and then let them down in their hour of need. But seems like everyone thinks that is acceptable behaviour and my fault for thinking she would stick to the agreed plan this really isn't the issue you need to waste time or energy even thinking about op.

Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:18

@BurntO

OP even if you were working, you aren’t entitled to anyone’s help regardless of what they “agreed”. Things change, people have their lives. Your children are no ones responsibility but your own.

It is not harsh to point out this is what you chose. Maybe DH needs. 9-5 job. Self employment is hard and I don’t know many people who would pursue it in situations like yours.

No one is entitled to anything in life. But it's not OK to let people down. I would feel bad. People need to have standards. You don't say you will help and then don't do it and just sack it off with no explanation. It's poor standards. On any front in anything.

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Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:19

@Notimeforaname

I just personally wouldn't make arrangements to help someone and then let them down in their hour of need. But seems like everyone thinks that is acceptable behaviour and my fault for thinking she would stick to the agreed plan this really isn't the issue you need to waste time or energy even thinking about op.

This is true.

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BurntO · 06/10/2021 00:20

Really ? You would never let anyone down because it’s poor standards? OP, you yourself say you cannot do what you committed to doing (working due to illness) but want to judge because someone else isn’t committing to free childcare?

starrynight21 · 06/10/2021 00:20

I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time

But you are on sick leave - so why blame her for not helping ? It's not her fault that you've moved the goal posts and want help all the time.

Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:21

@BurntO

Really ? You would never let anyone down because it’s poor standards? OP, you yourself say you cannot do what you committed to doing (working due to illness) but want to judge because someone else isn’t committing to free childcare?

I would try not to and give an explanation for why I could not help.

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Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 00:22

You'll have to do what you can for now,with extra help when its offered,rest as much as you can and have your husband research and contact nurseries when he's at work or home.
He has a family as well as a job. He can do something.

Original poster

sicko · 06/10/2021 00:22

@starrynight21

I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time

But you are on sick leave - so why blame her for not helping ? It's not her fault that you've moved the goal posts and want help all the time.

I genuinely don't understand this. I'm on sick leave because I'm sick. I'm not having a jolly. I'm not sure how that moved the goal posts.

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GoBrookeYourself · 06/10/2021 00:24

I don’t know if I’m missing something but how is she letting you down if she agreed to help whilst you were working but you’re not because you’re off sick? Surely letting you down would be if you weren’t off sick and she wasn’t helping?

I do feel for you, it sounds awful but if DH can’t step up, I’d arrange nursery ASAP. Can in laws not help in the meantime?