If you are a mum looking after your kids day to day, did give realise you were a ‘SAHM’ before coming on MN?

[sangak]

It always strikes me, that MN always has much to say about so-called ‘SAHMs.’ But if you said ‘SAHM’ (pronouncing it as ‘Sarm’) in real-life, nobody would know what this is. I know many women who don’t work due to children / family, but not one of them would know they were ‘Sarms’ or even recognise what ‘SAHM’ stands for - or that it is even considered ‘a thing.’ Just seems weird that the whole debate on here is so removed from real life.

‘Are you expecting MN to exactly reflect your social circle and the conversations you have?’

Well that’s a fair point and I shouldn’t expect that, no. But It does seem to me (quite often) that those who have the most to say about SAHMs have the least real-life experience of women who do actually SAH in 2021 - ie, they might know one or two or their mother was once one or something like that.

The thing is OP, you fell into becoming a SAHM (or whatever you want to call it, it’s the same thing whatever it’s called). But actually, it is (or should be) quite a big decision. It means your husband is 100% responsible for your finances (and that includes your retirement, as you will only have state pension presumably), and it leaves you in quite a vulnerable position if you split.
That’s why it is often discussed on MN. It is a position that mainly women find themselves in. It is worth discussing.

And I am talking as someone who was a SAHM for quite a few years.

But It does seem to me (quite often) that those who have the most to say about SAHMs have the least real-life experience of women who do actually SAH in 2021 - ie, they might know one or two or their mother was once one or something like that.

I was a stay at home mum until few months ago. I'm speaking from my lived experiences as I'm sure many in this thread are.

Anonymous48 - I was referring to that poster trying to imply my friends are being snarky about me behind my back.

@sangak

Anonymous48 - I was referring to that poster trying to imply my friends are being snarky about me behind my back.

Calling you a SAHM doesn’t mean they’re being snarky… it would just be a commonly description. Is it that you think SAHM is a negative term, OP?

‘Commonly used description’

How old are you OP? And what was your job before having children? Can you see that if you had trained for several years to be a doctor / lawyer / social worker it would be very unusual so just casually give it up without so much as a discussion? Why did the chance for your husband to stay at home not arise? For as many women I know who've gone part time after having children, I know an only slightly smaller number of men who've done the same (I appreciate this is unusual though - because I can understand my situation doesn't reflect the average across the UK).

And for the SARM and rhoticity debate, any other Scottish posters thinking that, actually, SAHM just rhymes with Sam?!

No that wasn’t it. Please read the comment. Anyway, no point getting into that nonsense.

I just want to jump on to say, I live in a working class area and nearly all the mums I know have a job of some sort.
Even if just a few hours a week, so I'm not sure it is a class thing.
And all of them know and regularly use the term stay at home mum to describe people that are stay at home mums.

@sangak

No that wasn’t it. Please read the comment. Anyway, no point getting into that nonsense.

It's not nonsense though or them being sbarky and rude behind your back. It's not insulting to call you a stay at home mum when that's what you are?

@sangak

Maybe Stay-at-home-parent might be a category on certain forms or for the census or something.

But never in my life have I heard anyone actually say, “I’m a stay-at-home-mum.” Nobody ever says this. I never thought of myself as that until I realised it was a thing on MN.

If someone asked what job a SAHM had, what would you expect them to say?

@sangak

Well I would just say I was a mum

Many mums have jobs too though. How would you differentiate?

But It does seem to me (quite often) that those who have the most to say about SAHMs have the least real-life experience of women who do actually SAH in 2021

Do you see the SAHM label as an insult or judgement? It does read that way from your posts.

Putting aside the tedious threads where working and non-working mums both tear into each other, I think most posters on Mumsnet use it as a shorthand description rather than an insult.

Of course I don’t see it as an insult.

Then what’s the issue? SAHM is a commonly used descriptor of a mum who doesn’t work. That’s what you are.

How about pronouncing it ‘Sah-hm’? A bit like ‘chasm’?

But I don’t stay at home any more than the next person
Are you always this literal about everything?

It sounds to me like you’ve known your social circle for so long of course you won’t discuss your working/parenting situations, so the term SAHM/“Sarm” won’t come up. Bit odd that no one at your dinner parties talks about work at all, and you kick your husband if he does – do all the husbands have deathly dull jobs? And is it really so neatly divided into working men and sarms?

I can't help but notice op that you keep writing MN - do you pronounce that as 'mneh' or 'mumsnet'?

GrumpyGoat - there is no problem! As I have explained, I had kids and (in my case) going back to work was never ‘a discussion’ between my husband and me. So I was busy and living my life and never occurred to me that anyone would have a view on my lifestyle. Or the lifestyles of most people I inevitably met along the way. Never crossed my mind. So when I came in MN and did that people have allsorts to say about SAHMs, that was interesting and I got it in my head that I was a Sarm.

@sangak

‘Are you expecting MN to exactly reflect your social circle and the conversations you have?’

Well that’s a fair point and I shouldn’t expect that, no. But It does seem to me (quite often) that those who have the most to say about SAHMs have the least real-life experience of women who do actually SAH in 2021 - ie, they might know one or two or their mother was once one or something like that.

But… are you a SAHM in 2021? Your previous posts indicate that your children may have now left school, so you aren’t looking after them presumably. Because you have a lot to say about how mothers who stay at home with their children in 2021 define themselves, without apparently knowing any (given that you don’t meet new people).

I am not a SAHM but I see many through my work, of varying backgrounds - women with preschoolers mostly - and I have heard them using the phrase “stay at home mother” to refer to their role

I remember my mother being described as a stay at home mother when I was a teenager.

I think what's changed, hopefully, is more people saying stay at home parent instead.

Hopefully housewife is pretty much obsolete now.

Oh well maybe I’m not a SAHM then, by the MN definition. What age does it stop?

@sangak

Oh well maybe I’m not a SAHM then, by the MN definition. What age does it stop?

Well do you actually look after any children? If they are all older and independent then no I would not consider you a stay at home mum.

When your children aren’t children any more?