If you are a mum looking after your kids day to day, did give realise you were a ‘SAHM’ before coming on MN?

[sangak]

It always strikes me, that MN always has much to say about so-called ‘SAHMs.’ But if you said ‘SAHM’ (pronouncing it as ‘Sarm’) in real-life, nobody would know what this is. I know many women who don’t work due to children / family, but not one of them would know they were ‘Sarms’ or even recognise what ‘SAHM’ stands for - or that it is even considered ‘a thing.’ Just seems weird that the whole debate on here is so removed from real life.

@sangak

Is my ‘social world’ any narrower than the next person’s? Possibly, but also possibly not. Who can say.

Well, you don’t seem to meet a wide variety of women, if you really don’t know anyone who is a mother and also works, or for that matter, any mothers who don’t work who would describe themselves as SAHMs, and you seem unable to reconcile what hundreds of posters are telling you in here with your own acquaintances, so it sounds to me as if you have a very confined and unvarying life.

I didn’t say I don’t know any women who work. I do have friends who work and these women are very high-earners. But again, none of them have ever asked me, “Why are you a SAHM?” Or anything along those lines because they know me and they know my husband and why would they care? This is what I mean, in the real world, the distinction isn’t the way it’s made out to be in MN.

Op, did you work before having kids and then decide to stop working either because financially/ practically that made most sense of because you preferred being with the kids full time?

If you didn't make a decision not to go back to work, I can understand why the term SAHM might not make sense to you.

Why would you pronounce SAHM as SARM?

@sangak

I didn’t say I don’t know any women who work. I do have friends who work and these women are very high-earners. But again, none of them have ever asked me, “Why are you a SAHM?” Or anything along those lines because they know me and they know my husband and why would they care? This is what I mean, in the real world, the distinction isn’t the way it’s made out to be in MN.

Well of course if they know you and your husband they wouldn’t ask, that would be a bit weird. On MN, we don’t know the people writing threads. Often, whether the woman writing works or is a SAHM is relevant to the answers given. For example, a woman says ‘my DH is stingy and is squirrelling money away’… it’s useful to know whether the poster has an income of her own, or if she’s being financially abused etc. Or a poster says ‘my husband says I should cook dinner every night, is he unreasonable?’, knowing whether she’s at work in the day or a SAHM could be relevant. MN is also a place for discussion… so people can debate whether women who don’t work are vulnerable etc. Of course interactions on MN are different to those in real life. Why would that be news to you?

@sangak

Is my ‘social world’ any narrower than the next person’s? Possibly, but also possibly not. Who can say.

I think it is, I’m sorry. My friends are a mix between working women and housewives. I also work, in a male dominated environment, I frequently meet new people and am frequently asked what I do for a living.

My world Is narrow in that I don’t know anyone who doesn’t meet any new person in fifteen years and only socialises with other stay at home mums

I’m curious though, are you a stay at hone mum? Or are you a house wife, are you at home with little kids?

In real life people say they don’t work, I’ve never heard anyone say they are a stay at home parent. Surely most people just say I’m employed as x or I don’t work. Forums usually have acronyms.

To be honest, I never made a massive decision to ‘leave work,’ I just had one baby and had the opportunity to be with him so I took it. Then we had another and then another so that was it. My husband and I never even discussed it. He’s never asked if I want to go back to work or not. That’s just how it panned out. I never thought a thing of it at all.

Then I came in MN and saw the debates about SAHMs and since then, I’ve had it in my mind that I am a ‘Sarm’ and not the norm on a U.K-wide basis.

@Bitofachinwag

Why would you pronounce SAHM as SARM?

On my gravestone it will read ‘she died seeking detente between rhotic and non-rhotic speakers.’

@sangak

To be honest, I never made a massive decision to ‘leave work,’ I just had one baby and had the opportunity to be with him so I took it. Then we had another and then another so that was it. My husband and I never even discussed it. He’s never asked if I want to go back to work or not. That’s just how it panned out. I never thought a thing of it at all.

Then I came in MN and saw the debates about SAHMs and since then, I’ve had it in my mind that I am a ‘Sarm’ and not the norm on a U.K-wide basis.

Well… you’re not the norm. Most mums work in some capacity.

@JassyRadlett, on behalf of the rhotic speakers of Mn, we applaud your excellent work. Otherwise, we would be ripping one another limb from limb.

@sangak but it's a huge decision, to voluntarily make yourself economically inactive/deprive yourself of an independent income, and for your husband to be the sole breadwinner. Doesn't it strike you as deeply odd that you never discussed it at all? It makes you sound weirdly passive in terms on a major life decision. Nothing 'just pans out' you made a decision to hand in your notice, presumably?

@sangak

To be honest, I never made a massive decision to ‘leave work,’ I just had one baby and had the opportunity to be with him so I took it. Then we had another and then another so that was it. My husband and I never even discussed it. He’s never asked if I want to go back to work or not. That’s just how it panned out. I never thought a thing of it at all.

Then I came in MN and saw the debates about SAHMs and since then, I’ve had it in my mind that I am a ‘Sarm’ and not the norm on a U.K-wide basis.

You didn't even discuss it? Personally I find that quite shocking. And actually rather sad that your dh has never even thought to ask you if you are happy with the situation. Have you never asked him if he is happy being the sole earner? Is this lack of communication typical in your relationship?

@Riada 😂😂.

I should have put parameters on though. Strictly on the issue of phonetic transliteration and in particular the vexed subject of ‘why did you put an r in there? There’s no r!’

[quote JassyRadlett]@Riada 😂😂.

I should have put parameters on though. Strictly on the issue of phonetic transliteration and in particular the vexed subject of ‘why did you put an r in there? There’s no r!’[/quote]
We will hail you as the Specific Phonetic Transliteration Saviour. Clearly you'd get way too big for your boots otherwise.

Bit the first question wasn't "why are you a SAHM?" Though? (And there are various reasons for individual circumstances) ....your original post seemed to infer that the term SAHM wasn't a thing in real life ....

I don’t really know what to tell you except that DH is the way he is and I’m the way I am and sometimes the way couples organise themselves is instinctive. We have a very close relationship but that was never a discussion for some reason.

You could pronounce SAHM like S-ach-m (if you want to go for an Arabic intonation). Is that what you’re talking about Jassy?

@sangak

TheGrumpyGoat - well I don’t disagree, but maybe I can put it this way. Most people see the world mainly through their own lens and that’s “normal” to them. So, if you’re a shop assistant, you wouldn’t have much in common (professionally-speaking) with an MP or a banker, for instance. So, if you come on a forum to find you’re all classified as ‘WOHMs’ and then there is a whole debate along the lines of “WOHMs are this and they need to watch out for that, etc etc etc (we all know how the threads go) it might seem odd to you because you are an individual before a ‘WOHM’ and in real life, nobody thinks or refers to you as a WOHM, they just relate to you as the individual you are and it’s a non-issue.

Of course a working mother doesn't say their job is a working mother, or that that's what they do for a living. They would say they are a doctor or teacher or whatever. A stay at home parent's job is being a stay at home parent.

I’m just saying that I assume you pronounce ‘sarm’ and I assume ‘arm’ to rhyme with calm, balm (assuming you don’t pronounce the ‘l’ in those words) and without a voiced R - in response to the waves of posters asking why you’ve put an R in there. Because to them, ‘ar’ has an actual R sound in it rather than generally being closer to ‘ah’.

Anyway, enough phonetics derailing! Sorry!

You can be sure OP that even if you don't refer to yourself as a SAHM, your friends who work do refer to you like that, though perhaps not in your hearing. Unfortunately it is shorthand for a lot of things.

Don’t be daft

@sangak

Don’t be daft

Why is that daft? Of course they will call you a stay at home mum, that's what you are.

@sangak

I didn’t say I don’t know any women who work. I do have friends who work and these women are very high-earners. But again, none of them have ever asked me, “Why are you a SAHM?” Or anything along those lines because they know me and they know my husband and why would they care? This is what I mean, in the real world, the distinction isn’t the way it’s made out to be in MN.

But obviously I interact differently with my friends than I do with people on MN

Are you expecting MN to exactly reflect your social circle and the conversations you have?

@sangak

Don’t be daft

Who are you referring to?