School aren't helping with morning routine

[Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower]

My dd has always been anxious. Since starting back at school she has had serious meltdowns every morning, crying for up to forty minutes, shaking walking to school. At her age this behaviour is quite unusual, especially as she was better (1-2 meltdowns at drop off per week) in previous years. I feel it's sensory, as she is perfectly happy walking to school and excited to see friends but seizes up and bolts for the gate as soon as she gets in the playground. It's quite different from last year (covid) as all the kids are in the playground together as well as all the parents, dogs, teachers etc and she just can't tolerate the noise, chaos of it.
School have offered a breakfast club so she can avoid this. There's not a breakfast club currently apart from for kids with additional needs and low income families, so there's about six kids who attend in the whole school. My dd went yesterday and loved it, the school said she was calm and ready to join the class at lesson time. However, they can not accommodate my ds who is also at school. So if my dd goes I then have a 45 minute wait with him, not enough time to go home, no park local and it's cold and wet. I feel this is really unfair and might impact on his feelings about school, as he has to leave home earlier and will have a long wait before starting.
Can I push this and should I as he does not fit the criteria?

@FuckingFlumps

Just to clarify I haven't even asked the school about whether my son can attend, I worked it out that it was a select group.

So you don't even know he can't attend, you haven't spoken to the school or explored other options and yet you're on mumsnet badmouthing the school for not being helpful?

Yea Op - the whole point of your post was about forcing your DS to be allowed to attend , your titles says the school isn’t helping and you haven’t even explored other options. How can you be at the end of your tether if you haven’t even thought about what other solutions there are? Anyway pp have given lots of useful advice so you should be able to work something out with the school. It’s no use stewing or going into a discussion with a one track mind

Some ludicrous posts here. Of course this is inconvenient for a parent of a reception aged child, I know literally nobody who would be keen on this set up or would not want to find a way to get their other child into breakfast club.

OP please just speak to the school it's not 'entitled' - it's clearly reasonable to ask there is no reason why you shouldn't have an open chat with the school - if they say no at least you can work from there.

@Wondergirl100

Wow some unsympathetic posts. The support for the child has to be realistic and family based .

There are plenty of options other than allowing the OP’s son to attend to. Also OP you may find that after all this discussion if it’s still unworkable the school may indeed allow your son to attend after all. It’s on you though to have tried everything else possible

I had same issue which meant I couldnt really access the breakfast club. Wasnt doable with my other children. I see the schools point, but its not a useful suggestion unfortunately is it. If it was 20 mins maybe would be ok

@Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower

I suppose what I'm a bit in the dark about is that suddenly my dd is being offered all this extra support and special help and no one has sat me down and said what it all means. It's like it's being hinted at but I want to know what they're alluding too. I'm a strong woman I can take it.

Schools obvs can't diagnose anyone, and I think they can even be wary of suggesting you seek an assessment for various reasons. If you have certain concerns then you will probably need to bring it up yourself. Speak to the class teacher, be straight with them, tell them your concerns, ask for SENCos opinion. Ask if they will support you with a referral.

I would absolutely enquire. I'd hope they have the ratios to accept him too. YANBU to at least ask.

@Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower

No I don't drive to school, I particularly chose a school I could walk to work from afterwards so I wouldn't have to drive.

could you drive?

This will only impact your sons feelings about school if he hears you being negative about it and putting a negative spin on the situation.

If you turn it into a positive situation where you get to have one on one time with your son before school he won't be negatively impacted. Children feed off Adults so if he hears you being positive he'll be positive.

There are strict ratios about how many adults are required for x number of children. Taking on your son may well mean that another adult is required. YABVVU.

Can you let her do the last 15/20 minutes of breakfast club rather than the whole session so reduces the wait time for son?

Or find a local childminder to drop him with for before school care?

Goodness knows how you’re going to cope when your children get older and do clubs all over the place. I spend most of my free hours hanging about in the car or on freezing pitches. You better hope your children don’t join sports teams .

Honestly, stop moaning. It’s part of being a parent. Lots of us have children with SEN and so things don’t go to plan but you have to adapt.

You didn’t want to have to drive but things have changed so just drive while your DD needs this breakfast club. Sit in the car with a hot drink and do some reading, extra work with your son etc. If you’re whinging at the first hurdle then you’re going to struggle .

@eeyore228

This is what upsets me about some situations. The school have provided a solution. But because it doesn't make your life easier it's not acceptable. Contrary to what other posters might think it's not the school's responsibility to provide free care for everyone to make out life easier - and yes it is very difficult sometimes. Nothing seems to ever be good enough and it's a real sign of the times.

I agree.

I cannot believe the people suggesting poor DS spend 4 hours a week hanging about in the playground. Or that someone suggested telling jokes to pass the time! We would have to walk 30 minutes out the way to get to a cafe (at the supermarket)! Can't imagine any of you would be saying the same thing if you had to wait about for that amount of time each week. In fact I've done safeguard reports a few times for children who arrive at school extremely early.

Or cut some other things from your budget so you can pay for breakfast club. It’s crap but there are worse things.

@RosieLemonade

I cannot believe the people suggesting poor DS spend 4 hours a week hanging about in the playground. Or that someone suggested telling jokes to pass the time! We would have to walk 30 minutes out the way to get to a cafe (at the supermarket)! Can't imagine any of you would be saying the same thing if you had to wait about for that amount of time each week. In fact I've done safeguard reports a few times for children who arrive at school extremely early.

Plenty of us do hang around for hours and hours each week It’s part of having children who have lots of interests.

Why don't you just tell school about your dilemma about what to do with your ds and see if they can help you come up with a solution? I think that would be the best thing to do.
How long is the walk? Is there a reason you can't drive instead?

I like the idea of your DD going in 5 mins early, when the school is quiet, so she's in class and settled before other pupils arrive

But that requires a teacher to be available to supervise her. And if they allow your DS to come in early too, then his classroom may not be the quiet environment needed by a child in his class. And other parents will have various reasons why it would suit them for their children to come in early

I think school can only be asked to accommodate the needs of the struggling child, not their siblings

In fact I've done safeguard reports a few times for children who arrive at school extremely early.

With their parents or by themselves? The 2 situations are not at all comparable.

It's all moot anyway as we don't even know if the OPs DS cannot attend, they may be more than happy to have him there or be able to offer an alternative solution but she hasn't even asked so they can't try and resolve the situation as they don't know it exists.

Can you send her later to breakfast club but before the school yard fills up. Then perhaps your 45 minutes could be cut to 20-30 minutes.

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

I disagree with the ridiculous posters here, OP. I think as siblings of the child with Sen they should be able to attend. I think you should ask the school whether they can help.

So if there are 8 places available for children with SEN, and 4 of the places are used for those children and the other 4 places are used for their siblings...you think that is fair for other children with SEN who lose out on a place because the school have had to cater for siblings? This is a provision specifically for children with SEN.

OP, how far is the walk from home to school? Can you drop her off at school then return home for 20 minutes or so before going back to school to drop your ds off?

Or see if you can drop her off later so that it lessens the time that you're to drop ds off?

Or speak to the school and see if you could drop her off at a different entrance so that she avoids the hustle and bustle in the playground?

Or could they allow dd to enter her classroom 5-10 minutes earlier so that she avoids the worst of the scram?

Could dad take one of the kids to school?

But if siblings go that adds another 7 kids

Nobody else is asking for siblings. Only the OP is. The “if one asks, we have to do it for all” is what stops places making reasonable adjustments for those who need it and it is based entirely on parents who feel entitled whenever they see someone else getting a perceived perk without knowing the detail.

Basically you are telling the OP her daughter will just have to have a highly anxious start to the day just because other parents might feel left out. In Scotland we call it Getting It Right For Every Child, and that means looking at kids as an individual and not based on what everyone else does.

I suppose what I'm a bit in the dark about is that suddenly my dd is being offered all this extra support and special help and no one has sat me down and said what it all means. It's like it's being hinted at but I want to know what they're alluding too. I'm a strong woman I can take it.

I think you are maybe over thinking that. They have noted a problem and found a potential solution, and done it without hiding behind a formal process which stops so many kids from getting help. Schools get a number of support hours in a general pot which helps them do things like this. But if you think she would benefit from having her support needs formalised, have another chat with them and see if it is possible.

If going to breakfast club later isn’t going to be an option, is it possible she can go in to school without going through the playground? My daughter went through the office where someone met her and took her to class a few minutes before everyone came in. There were three others in her class who did it too. It made all the difference to her.

My boy has ADHD and can't cope in the playground as it has no structure and he become overwhelmed. He says it's just mayhem. Everyone is running, screaming and just being children and having fun, but for him it's just too much and he starts becoming manic. You have to keep on at the school, your her advocate. Join an online group who can tell you who you can contact, if you feel your school are not listening. The school run.com is good place for info. Gaining knowledge is key, so they know you know.

@Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower

Just to clarify I haven't even asked the school about whether my son can attend, I worked it out that it was a select group. I won't be asking as I'm obviously being entitled to even think 'how the hell am I going to make this work?' When I really should be thinking ohh treasure hunts etc to make the whole thing an experience prior to my eight hour shift at work.

Please ignore all the people having a go at you here.

AIBU is fucking toxic. One starts then they all join in like a bunch of vultures.

It's perfectly reaonable to try to find a way to make it work for you.

You're 100% not entitled to ask if your DS can go too. It doesn't hurt to ask. The school may be OK with it, in which case that would be great.

If they say no, then how about driving to school? I know you said you chose a school you can walk to, but while your DD is going into breaskfast club I think this is a reasonable thing to do.

45 minutes is a long time, how about half an hour instead? Then you can DS can hang out in the car. Bring snacks and books to read or whatever you know will keep him occupied. He might enjoy spending that time with you.

Your DD may not need the breakfast club forever. It might be that you can shorten the time she needs to be at it, over time.

About diagnosis, you don't need the school to refer you. DS is on the spectrum and his school were being unsupportive so we went to the GP who referred him to our local specialist unit.

Could dad take one of the kids to school?

Why do people make comments like this. Don’t you think of that were an option, OP would have already considered this?