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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not come to "family day" anymore

250 replies

CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:28

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 04/10/2021 14:22

are saying no one in his family is prepared to have an english conversation with you?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/10/2021 16:20

I would be throwing as much effort as possible to become fluent...you'll enjoy it more once you understand more...

My partner is French- pretty draining to have loooong family days with 30 plus relatives... But after I realised I've enjoyed it... But I can speak the language... Enough... Depending whether people are speaking the local dialect or not.

Make sure your kids are bilingual so they can chat to their relatives... I had friends who coudlbt communicate with their paternal relatives, as the dad had made suboptimal effort in teaching his kids. So they ended up not having a rich relationships with theur grandparents.

Also don't wait til you feel confident... Try out your language on native speakers! It does help.

We speak three languages in our household... To different levels... So we swap between the three depending on what we're chatting about.

justcheckingreally · 04/10/2021 16:23

I think you ABVU. This is the pass and parcel of marrying into a different culture. It's not exactly 6 weeks with them.

lovemelongtime · 04/10/2021 16:31

i am guessing you both live in the UK and you have family here, so to be honest one trip away each year to see his family isnt that big a deal.
I am married to Eu citizen and do not speak the language (well, very badly) but I tend to take a good book or two and chill out - I have managed to build good relationships over the years - it would mean to not go with him I think.

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 16:40

if his family lived in England then of course they'd know more English and this wouldn't be an issue.

Interesting assumptions.
When my parents were in the U.K., their English wasn’t good enough for us to have conversation as such so. We still spoke French and not English together….
They were in the U.K. for about 10 years and quite involved with the dcs too

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 16:44

I think one thing that is jumping out here is that the OP is speaking the majority language here.
I think that when you are speaking the minority language, the expectations and the struggles are different.

DogsTails · 04/10/2021 16:56

Learning English and learning Bulgarian are two different Kettle of fish. Bulgarian is way more complicated. Plus in most countries you can hear songs in English on the radio or even during movies as often lectors are used and talk on top of the original sound.

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 17:09

Is it?

Each time I’m telling English people English is easy, I get told off. I also usually get a lecture on spelling, never quite knowing how to pronounce words from their spelling etc…..

PurplePansy05 · 04/10/2021 17:42

Because learning English from songs makes it sooo much easier for the rest of the world Grin

Agreed that there are many languages with grammar and spelling more difficult than English. However, English tenses, punctuation, articles, spelling too, as well as accents, regionalisms and colloquialisms aren't easy. Not to mention learning to recognise when someone is joking/being sarcastic. In this country there are two levels of understanding and using the language at all times, the literal level and the real hidden meaning level. This is not always the case abroad (apart from idioms, different pair of boots altogether). Brits are not straight talkers, unlike many other nations and it makes it very difficult for foreigners to achieve sufficient proficiency to have meaningful conversations with natives here.

DogsTails · 04/10/2021 18:07

English is a second language for me. And it’s ubiquitous internationally in radio and television, not to mention the internet, so yes it does make a difference. Most people I know, from all over the world, started learning it from songs and movies. Not sure why you think it’s funny.

Rachand23 · 04/10/2021 18:09

YANBU I have had similar- got so fed up with it all, I understood my DH wanted to talk to his family and friends - every year we would go to his homeland and I would sit there like a lemon! Completely ignored. Well the tiger finally turned! If he wants to do this now he goes by himself I won’t put up with it anymore, I am not going to learn his language I tried and tried but just don’t have an ear for languages in addition to bringing up kids, working full time, keeping the home etc so that’s it! Mind you I sometimes wish I did understand what they were saying as I later learned what some of the bitches were saying about me and the UK,! So OP don’t feel guilty pack your DH off by himself and don’t fret.

Bertiebiscuit · 04/10/2021 18:19

In your shoes I absolutely would not go - it would do him good to spend time with his children and tbh I bet all the women would rally round and help him, met getuch more sympathy and help than women ever do - come on, you could have a blissful time at home doing whatever you like - or nothing at all 😉😉😉😉

Chachachawoo · 04/10/2021 18:24

Why not learn the Bulgarian for: Oy! (insert dh name) it's time for you to apply your hemorrhoid ointment! Don't want to spend the journey home sitting on red-hot bunch of grapes...

Or something similar to get his attention should he abandon you during the get together

Wazzzzzzzup · 04/10/2021 18:32

I tried and tried but just don’t have an ear for languages in addition to bringing up kids, working full time, keeping the home etc so that’s it!

You were doing it wrong. Should have listen to aome aongs you know 😂

Farwest · 04/10/2021 18:34

You should learn Bulgarian. And every trip is a language lab experience for you. So, yes, you should go, even though it is isolating and difficult and lonely and embarrassing. I get it - I've been there.

Try to get one or two relatives to teach you about a specific subject, whether it's playing a game or cooking or talking about a movie. Have them speak slowly and try to pick up a little vocabulary. They will appreciate your efforts. And you will learn a language that your children will hopefully one day speak fluently.

sunshinemode · 04/10/2021 18:35

My partners family would be devastated if I didn’t go along to family events. They live 3000 miles away so when we see them it’s for 2 weeks. Part of that time is spent in the village where most people have no English.They make an effort with me and I make an effort with them smiling where we have no words. I always try to say a few words on the phone at weekly calls and that way we all feel like a family.
I don’t know your husband but what I know of Bulgarian culture I would say you attending is about far more than child care

ElberethGilthoniel · 04/10/2021 18:41

I assume you never really think about him having to speak a second language all the time with you though?

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 18:44

@ElberethGilthoniel

I assume you never really think about him having to speak a second language all the time with you though?
👏👏👏
SnowyQueen · 04/10/2021 18:46

@CoatOfCharms don’t use the excuse of having DC for not knowing your DH’s language. You should’ve thought about this before marrying a “foreigner” and having his DC. I’m mixed race, 2 different languages. You should make an effort rather than expecting his family to be fluent in English!!

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 18:49

Re learning English…

I am bilingual, have written a master etc.. in English.
There is one thing I cannot do. It’s understanding songs (unless I have to words in front of me).
My dcs are bilinguals and of course not as strong in their minority language. One thing they struggle with is songs and being able to catch the words.

I’m not sure listening to songs is the best way to learn a language tbh. Certainly doesn’t work me nor my dcs…

SallyWD · 04/10/2021 18:50

Sorry but I think you need to make an effort to go. It sounds like you only see them once a year. I'd say its pretty poor form not to show up. I say this as someone who is also married to a foreigner and I can't speak their language (but I'm trying to learn).

Original poster
CoatOfCharms · 04/10/2021 18:53

@ElberethGilthoniel

I assume you never really think about him having to speak a second language all the time with you though?
He moved to the UK long before we met and is not only completely fluent in English but it's his primary language now. He thinks it in, dreams in it etc. When he talks Bulgarian he forgets the words for things.

So yeah it's really not the same. I'm sure he found learning English difficult at first but that was when he was a teenager and was nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Wazzzzzzzup · 04/10/2021 18:54

If I learned from songs I don't think anyone would fully understand what the heck I am talking about. The pop culture doesn't particularly use queen's english, or practical stuff, innit.
But I could always tell people if they wanna be my lover they gotta get on with my friends, because doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me. No? Cry me a river then, what goes around comes around. Or taht they could wake up and get a brush and put on little bit of make up skndnohsnsk shake up sjbnskjsndnhd table.

BoredZelda · 04/10/2021 18:55

Every year my husbands family do a Christmas get together. No language issues but they are loud and brash when they all get together and it is really draining.

It might only be “one day a year” but I’ve been maybe twice in 20 years, and we hosted it one other time. Husband has no issues with me not attending. He knows it’s difficult for me so wouldn’t want me to be put through it.

panauchocolat · 04/10/2021 19:02

Why not Just join in and try not to be miserable ? Why do they have to make the effort to spk English and you haven’t learnt their language then ?
If so, joining in is a good way to learn !
My partner is also English and never bothered to learn my home Language… if he is around I try to spk English to include him of course, but around the party I will obviously speak to every body in my language. He sulked once in a party for myself that my whole family and best friends prepared
For me and I regret forever even taking him with me.
Suck it up and join in, don’t make their family think that you are a pain in the ass . Family always win !!

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