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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m just going for a lie down…

310 replies

Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 12:58

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

OP posts:
Comedycook · 03/10/2021 15:07

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

I think you are both unreasonable. Unless there are issues with you or with DD you have not told us about, being a SAHP to one 3 year old should not be this exhausting. But he is disengaged and unhelpful. It sounds miserable and dull. You both could do better in my view.
Yes I agree with this. A sahm of one child shouldn't be run ragged even if she does everything. I also agree he sounds really lazy
Owlink · 03/10/2021 15:09

Sorry to add to your woes but I'd wonder if he's texting someone or accessing porn on his phone during his long toilet sojourns. Speaking from experience, sadly.

inmyslippers · 03/10/2021 15:14

I'd get rid of him, life would be easier as a single mum

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:16

@Ellis989 Yes, that’s it. If she was I probably wouldn’t bother so much with the classes, playground, play dates etc as much

OP posts:
Itsnotdeep · 03/10/2021 15:16

Yeah, you're doing it all at the weekend while he spends his time sleeping/shitting/shopping. You'd honestly get more time alone if you split up from him.

I don't agree with pp that because you're a SAHM it all falls to you at the weekend. You are doing all the parenting and cooking it seems. But from your posts you do make it sound as though your dd is a baby and you need to do everything in tandem. He could actually take her to dance while you stay at home. He could go to the park with her while you cook. And he could certainly take her to the shops with him.

I'd say you need to divide her up between you at weekends. (As he loves going to the shops so much, he could actually take her....)

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:18

@Itsnotdeep Yep, I’ve said that sometimes and he begrudgingly takes her

I don’t think is an affair or porn addiction, not seen anything in his history for years

We were much better before Dd

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:19

My Dd wonderful though she is, is very full on and intense, so yes, I do find it all a lot. Working over 50 hours a week was a piece of piss in comparison

OP posts:
CyclingIsNotOuting · 03/10/2021 15:19

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Macncheeseballs He regularly takes over an hour on the toilet[/quote]
I’d LTB for this alone.

Spell it out to him. I’ve had DD all morning, it’s your turn!

Grenlei · 03/10/2021 15:21

He's behaving like this because you're allowing him to. Stop being a martyr. Take yourself off to the shops for an hour or two, and leave him to sort out your child. He will have to manage if you're not there. Likewise if you're cooking dinner he needs to be the one to see to DD.

Feedingthebirds1 · 03/10/2021 15:22

So what this boils down to is that he gets a lot of time on his own and you get none.
Not fair.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/10/2021 15:22

My ex husband was exactly like this and I put up with it for years, its doesn't get better no matter how many talks you have .
Ltb.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 03/10/2021 15:25

Is there any grandparents kicking about? It sounds to me like you are both stuck, When was the last time you and dh went out together ,had a date and had a good giggle? All these issues would melt away I am sure if you worked on being closer as a couple ,having fun and stopping being parents etc for a few hours,You need to get you two back on track first would be my idea let the rest follow, ...

BoredZelda · 03/10/2021 15:26

he'll have zero excuse not to pull his weight at the weekends.

Oh that’s so funny. Like all of a sudden he will become perfect parent if OP works. But even if he does, the only way she can get him to step up is to add something else in to her life that she must do? Because for sure he’s not stepping up and taking over evenings either.

Pamcake69 · 03/10/2021 15:29

Why are there so many people on here putting up with partners that don't do anything?! I understand it's not always easy to just leave but isn't life to short to put up with someone who never does anything nice for you or helps with the kids and house in anyway? Seriously taking it in turns for bedtimes? Crazy way to live,if you're doing everything you may as well just be a single parent and find someone who does love you and wants to be a team. If my husband treated me and my kids like this I'd definitely end it,that's not love. Hope things change form you.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2021 15:33

Your dh doesn't sound brilliant.

But....you have one 3 year old child, 2 parents, 1 of whom doesn't work during the week so can get most of the jobs done.

It is so easy for both of you to have a great big chunk of time off at a weekend or in the evening. Organise to go out with friends more, get a hobby, whatever. Just stop traipsing around after a 3 year old, and worse, both of you constantly traipsing around after a 3 year old. So unnecessary. It sounds so tedious; but worse, she's growing up to think the world revolves around her, and that isn't good.

Just go out!! Next Saturday, organise to go out with a friend. Get your life back.

You sound so resentful of him, but have started doing that thing where you're so bored, you list absolute non-jobs as if they're massive chores. 'Organising a film night' ?!? What does that mean - turn the tele on? Or 'getting dd breakfast' what's that - tipping weetabix in a bowl, and pouring milk on. Time taken, ten seconds.

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:37

@Pamcake69 What’s wrong with taking it in turns for bedtime? What do you do? We have bath (not all nights) teeth, story etc, plus she takes a while to get to sleep. It isn’t fair if I do it every night

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 03/10/2021 15:38

Add up all the time he spent actually parenting DD this weekend, then deduct it from how many hours there are in the whole weekend. That’s how many hours you’re taking to yourself next weekend. And you’re not asking.

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:38

@Iputthetrampintrampoline We live abroad so no family to sit her, we’ve never been out without her yet, I agree we need to, but friends have their own small children and sitters v expensive

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:40

@arethereanyleftatall Why is life completely revolving around her though? She’s 3, we have no help, we have no option to care for her obviously and be around

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 15:41

@arethereanyleftatall It wasn’t a massive thing, she asked him to come home and watch a film she was waiting to watch, then remembered we’d once had a fun night with popcorn etc, so we did all that.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2021 15:42

You do need to be there, sure, but doesn't she just play on her own ever? It's good for them. I used to set up a game, say peppa pig, both mine used to like that, and then tip toe out of the room. Go back a few hours later and they were engrossed in the game.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2021 15:44

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@arethereanyleftatall It wasn’t a massive thing, she asked him to come home and watch a film she was waiting to watch, then remembered we’d once had a fun night with popcorn etc, so we did all that.[/quote]
That's kind of my point. It's a nice thing, but you've listed it as a chore; which is where resentment builds.
Pre-kids I would never have grumbled 'ffs, I've just booked another holiday' for example. It's kind of the same thing.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/10/2021 15:48

I used to set up a game, say peppa pig, both mine used to like that, and then tip toe out of the room. Go back a few hours later and they were engrossed in the game.

At 3 years old??

FlorenciaFlora · 03/10/2021 15:51

Why would someone regularly be on the toilet for over an hour? The mind boggles 😳

Porn.

Grenlei · 03/10/2021 15:52

Children should be capable of some independent play at 3 surely... I get where the PP is coming from about it seeming like everything is geared to following the DD round /filling her day. I do think children's lives are increasingly filled with going out to this and that place, doing different things when actually they do need to learn to entertain themselves and also to feel bored occasionally.