Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 03/10/2021 10:45

Who cares - she's nothing to you.
Why is your friend discussing her private and personal issues with you? Maybe change the subject if your friend tries to bring it up again. I'd be wondering what this friend says about you behind your back?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 03/10/2021 10:46

Yes. I would feel empathy. She sounds vulnerable and a bit desperate for love.

Ponoka7 · 03/10/2021 10:47

People are ending up in ICU who have been double jabbed, so you are being overly harsh on that one. Do you have no sympathy for cancer patients whose lifestyle has caused their cancer, which is around 60% of cancers? Or those who died of AIDS etc? I don't understand how you wouldn't have sympathy for a new mother in hospital tbh.
The woman sounds as though she has some issues going on. She might be vulnerable, wealth doesn't protect you from that.
However, I wouldn't want to listen to it. I'm very much solution based and struggle with ongoing sagas.

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:48

She doesn't discuss her in a bitchy way, just a how she is kind of way. Me and another friend know her quite well too. I think I will change the subject as every time it is like she expects us to go along with the poor her thing. My other friends do which makes me feel like maybe I am being mean. But I won't go into the backstory but as far as I can see it is all her own doing mostly. Should we still feel sorry for people who make poor decisions and then their life turns out unhappy and lovely?

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 03/10/2021 10:49

Let's face it Op - your hoping for a pile in about this poor woman that your friend has been disclosing all her private issues to you. Nice!

RubyGoat · 03/10/2021 10:49

It does sound like she doesn't always consider the long term implications of her actions. If you offer someone a holiday, paid for, who is realistically going to refuse. And if she got the first covid jab, but not the second (so not against it in principle, needle phobic, etc but just didn't bother) & then caught the virus, surely that's just unfortunate. A&E wasn't the best place for her - it wasn't an accident, & if she could get herself there it wasn't an emergency either, & she was potentially putting other people in danger by being there. Although it must have been difficult with a newborn.

I'd have reacted as you did TBH. What did/does your friend do to help her out? Does she try to encourage her to be more financially responsible re the holidays? Did your friend not get the vaccine, is that why your friend is being odd about her catching the virus?

5128gap · 03/10/2021 10:50

You sound a bit resentful of your friends other friendship, or at least the airtime it gets between you and your friend. The things you described do sound like a shame for the women. But I guess it would be boring to listen to someone else's problems. Steer the conversation away next time, your friends choice of talk topics isn't the other woman fault.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/10/2021 10:51

You think she brought being hospitalised with covid on herself because she hasn't had the second jag? Maybe she hadn't had her appointment through, maybe she missed it for other reasons ( breastfeeding etc.). Also people can take advantage of you without suggesting you spend money. This man/men could easily turn down these holidays or offer to pay their share but they're not.

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:52

@Ponoka7

People are ending up in ICU who have been double jabbed, so you are being overly harsh on that one. Do you have no sympathy for cancer patients whose lifestyle has caused their cancer, which is around 60% of cancers? Or those who died of AIDS etc? I don't understand how you wouldn't have sympathy for a new mother in hospital tbh. The woman sounds as though she has some issues going on. She might be vulnerable, wealth doesn't protect you from that. However, I wouldn't want to listen to it. I'm very much solution based and struggle with ongoing sagas.
Certainly I would feel sympathy for those people. I guess she doesn't do anything to help herself and I guess I feel her morals aren't very high so that's why she's in this position. To turn up at a & e with symptoms is very selfish though but I guess if she was scared and not thinking straight.
OP posts:
RubyGoat · 03/10/2021 10:53

TBH your friend sounds like a gossip, & a bit unpleasant. Like a drama vulture or something. Does she always have some terrible anecdote to relate, the latest instalment of an issue that's going on between people she knows, etc?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/10/2021 10:55

Yeah it does sound like you're a bit jealous to be honest. Any other normal person would just agree it was a shame and move on to something else, but you want to make things awkward by pausing and not saying anything, why not just say what you actually think.

5128gap · 03/10/2021 10:55

And I don't know whether we 'should' feel sorry for people who make poor choices as we either do feel it or we don't. Personally if I like and care about a person I am always genuinely sad if their life goes wrong, even if i feel their decisions contributed to it; as unless they did something horrendous, none of us are perfect and sensible all the time are we?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/10/2021 10:56

What do you mean her moral aren't very high? How would you know, you don't even know her?

MyPatronusIsACat · 03/10/2021 10:57

What an odd - and spiteful and bitter thread. Confused

@gingercatsparky

You sound quite jealous of this woman to be honest, because your friend seems to care about her.

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:57

@Thatsplentyjack

You think she brought being hospitalised with covid on herself because she hasn't had the second jag? Maybe she hadn't had her appointment through, maybe she missed it for other reasons ( breastfeeding etc.). Also people can take advantage of you without suggesting you spend money. This man/men could easily turn down these holidays or offer to pay their share but they're not.
No- I asked about all that but no she just didn't get it. Fine her choice but then I find it hard to have sympathy for people who end up in hospital or risk others.

The holiday thing is just hypocritical as she originally married for money not love so if she's ended up lonely and unhappy I don't think it can me much of a surprise. She can't criticise others for doing exactly what she did herself.

No - this is the only friend my other friend discussed in any detail like this. I just feel she pauses to have poor x responses and other friends do this but I don't feel I can.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 10:58

Are you really as detached from this woman as you claim? Friend of a friend whom you've never met?

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 10:59

Oh sorry, you say you do know her.

But you clearly don't like her, so why is she occupying this much headspace?

grapewine · 03/10/2021 11:00

Your friend is not nice for disclosing the private business of this woman to you. If I were the friend and found out, I'd sack her off.

And you're unpleasant coming to slag off a woman that you don't know to a bunch of strangers online.

"I feel her morals aren't very high". Seriously? Get over yourself.

You're both being unreasonable.

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 11:00

I have met her and been on social occasions with my friend and she's been there. I don't feel I can say what I think as my friend can get quite funny if you voice an opinion not in line with her. Plus, other friends seem to go along with it. Think I will just try and chance the subject but she talks about it every time. Who am I jealous of? My friend or her friend?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 11:01

The holiday thing is just hypocritical as she originally married for money not love so if she's ended up lonely and unhappy I don't think it can me much of a surprise.

Ah ha.

Yes, there was a huge amount of sexist judgement on the "would you marry for money" thread, pretty much all of it directed at the women. Well, there you go. She's had her comeuppance, you should be happy. But for some reason, you're not...

Sparklfairy · 03/10/2021 11:01

It doesn't cost you anything to have a bit of compassion and change the subject. Most of us have found ourselves in situations that with hindsight, if we'd made different choices wouldn't have happened. Unless you're suggesting she deliberately caught covid with no second jab just for attention Hmm

Dillydollydingdong · 03/10/2021 11:01

I'm on your side OP. Some people are natural victims, but if it's self inflicted I don't have much sympathy.

Lammysaurus · 03/10/2021 11:02

You have no obligation to "feel sorry for this woman" - who it seems you don't even know and therefore have no need to have any opinion about.

But yes, I suspect that you are generally unreasonable (and probably misogynist) based on this thread. Not a suprrise that you didn't enable voting.

WorriedGiraffe · 03/10/2021 11:03

Not everybody is capable of making rational smart decisions, not everybody is capable of being good with money. And your negative feelings towards a poorly scared woman with a newborn are just nasty. You sound like you lack empathy really OP, so I guess you, like her, aren't perfect.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 11:03

@gingercatsparky

I have met her and been on social occasions with my friend and she's been there. I don't feel I can say what I think as my friend can get quite funny if you voice an opinion not in line with her. Plus, other friends seem to go along with it. Think I will just try and chance the subject but she talks about it every time. Who am I jealous of? My friend or her friend?
Her friend, of course. The whole thread is about what a cow she is.