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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 03/10/2021 11:03

It just sounds boring, keep having to discuss this other woman's misfortunes.

I would just keep changing the subject to something more interesting.

Camblewick · 03/10/2021 11:04

Maybe you and your friend could stop gossiping about this other woman then you won't have this issue.

ImaBraveNhsHero · 03/10/2021 11:04

Agree that this isn't really about her. For me the interesting thing is that it almost sounds like you're jealous of her. Do you want your friend to pay you more attention? Something about this scenario has made you post about it so it seems it's making you unhappy.

UnsuitableHat · 03/10/2021 11:05

I’d be irritated if friend kept banging on about another friend and trying to elicit a particular response, but I also wouldn’t like it if I shared concerns about someone I knew and was met with criticism and judgement of them. I think just nod along and make a few sympathetic noises, even if that doesn’t completely reflect your feelings. And try to change the subject if it gets a bit much.

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2021 11:09

@MyPatronusIsACat

What an odd - and spiteful and bitter thread. Confused

@gingercatsparky

You sound quite jealous of this woman to be honest, because your friend seems to care about her.

This ^^ one million times

OP, I'd much rather be friends with both of these women than with you.

Inviting complete strangers to pile onto this woman on a public forum, is quite frankly weird and makes me wonder what's missing from your life that makes you want to do it.

Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:10

Not your circus
Not your monkeys
Just change the subject
I have a 'D'M like this, loves to gossip about other people who are irrelevent to me, I manage about an hour tops with her every other week, does my head in with inane shit about other people
There's so much more important stuff going on in the world to have a chat about imo

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 03/10/2021 11:11

When you meet your friend for lunch, do you have nothing better to talk about than someone else who you don't actually know? Confused Try talking about the weather, TV programmes, books, politics, etc.

notHarris · 03/10/2021 11:13

Agree that changing the subject might be the best way to go if you're not sympathetic. After all, you have no real need to discuss this lady at all. You clearly want people to criticise her for making a few poor choices but honestly, don't most of us make a few poor choices along the way?
For example, do you always eat healthily? Have friendships that are 💯 good for you? Are you teetotal? Do you only spend money wisely?
I'm not saying this to judge you or anybody else. Just that, yes this lady is at times making unwise choices, as we all do. She doesn't deserve to be criticised by strangers whilst she's in hospital with a young baby.
I'd take a look at why it bothers you so much op? Could you be a bit jealous of her money and the fact that your friend clearly thinks a lot of her?

Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:14

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

When you meet your friend for lunch, do you have nothing better to talk about than someone else who you don't actually know? Confused Try talking about the weather, TV programmes, books, politics, etc.
This^
godmum56 · 03/10/2021 11:14

@LegoCaltrops

TBH your friend sounds like a gossip, & a bit unpleasant. Like a drama vulture or something. Does she always have some terrible anecdote to relate, the latest instalment of an issue that's going on between people she knows, etc?
^^ this
Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 11:17

@UnsuitableHat

I’d be irritated if friend kept banging on about another friend and trying to elicit a particular response, but I also wouldn’t like it if I shared concerns about someone I knew and was met with criticism and judgement of them. I think just nod along and make a few sympathetic noises, even if that doesn’t completely reflect your feelings. And try to change the subject if it gets a bit much.
Yes thanks, I will. I am not jealous of the friend. It's one of those be careful what you wish for situations. Money is no object for her she has been set up for life but she is vulnerable, deeply unhappy and lonely. I would rather have happiness to be honest. She doesn't know who is her friend or who to trust or who just wants her money. I do feel sorry for her that she would rather be used by people than be alone and for how unhappy she is and how low her self esteem is. But otherwise I find it hard to sympathise.

It just got me thinking how much sympathy you could have for someone situation if it is self inflicted?
Eg she wanted to get pregnant for a long time, met and had an affair with a married man with a dc to try and get pregnant, didn't happen. Saw numerous top doctors who told her she is high risk and needs to make modifications to her lifestyle to increase her risks. I would ask my friend after her as at this point I did feel sorry for her as she desperately wanted a child but my friend said she had continued to smoke, drink too much, put weight on and not change her lifestyle one bit to increase her chances. She was getting desperate for a child, crying and going through hell. Which I know must be very hard when you want a child but at the same time she wasn't willing/able to prioritise this over her lifestyle. I think this was the first time I asked myself the question.

OP posts:
TreeSmuggler · 03/10/2021 11:18

I would feel a bit like you, I don't think this person is a monster or worthy of scorn, but maybe she hasn't made the best decisions either.

This exact women is irrelevant though, it often happens that you hear a story from someone and half way through you realise you aren't going to have the reaction they are hoping for.

Also see, a "funny" story about someone's naughty children, a "bad customer service" story where actually they were a bad customer.

I try to make unrelated comments. Oh yeah, where was the holiday, thats a popular place this year. Oh yeah, it's hard being sick and having a new born, hospitals are crowded at the moment.

IncessantNameChanger · 03/10/2021 11:18

Yes I would show empathy. Mostly as that is what your friend is looking for.

It would be different if it was a shared friend or actually the friend as I might chip in with some advice or tactful questions.

Some of my friends make terrible desisions. I still feel bad for them as dont we all?

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2021 11:19

Urgh OP. You’re not coming across well.

Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:21

You sound very invested in her
She doesn't seem that close to you...not a very very close friend/family member
It's all 2nd hand gossip
I'd be pretty pissed off if my personal stuff was being bandied about
Why are you so worried/bothered?

AnotherName456 · 03/10/2021 11:21

Do you and this friend of yours just sit around talking about this woman?

TreeSmuggler · 03/10/2021 11:21

Also are you sure your friend is actually sympathetic? Normally when a friend can't stop gossiping about someone, it's just that - gossip. Although they may couch it in a sympathetic way to seem nicer, they aren't really.

whycantwegoonasthree · 03/10/2021 11:21

Your friend is a gossip, and you are Judgey McJudgePants who apparently had a compassion bypass at some point. To be honest your thread reflects far more poorly on both of you that this other woman.

You started a thread inviting us to join in with your gleeful gloating about a woman with a newborn who is in hospital with Covid?

Fucking seriously?

Your gossipy friend is probably gossiping about you to others too. Probably about what an utterly horrible person you are.

CremeEggThief · 03/10/2021 11:23

Honestly? If I were you, I'd be wondering what your friend is saying to her friend about you, as she seems a bit of a gossip! Surely you two should have better things to talk about than discussing the private life of someone else, who you don't even know personally?

MrsRobbieHart · 03/10/2021 11:23

Oh you sound really unpleasant OP. I hope your friend stops sharing with you about her other friends. You don’t deserve to know anything about her.

rainyskylight · 03/10/2021 11:23

I don’t think it’s very nice of your friend to be gossiping so much about another friend behind her back. It’s not nice to be talked about and pitied. I don’t think it’s nice of you to continue the gossiping with random strangers on the internet.

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 11:24

@whycantwegoonasthree

Your friend is a gossip, and you are Judgey McJudgePants who apparently had a compassion bypass at some point. To be honest your thread reflects far more poorly on both of you that this other woman.

You started a thread inviting us to join in with your gleeful gloating about a woman with a newborn who is in hospital with Covid?

Fucking seriously?

Your gossipy friend is probably gossiping about you to others too. Probably about what an utterly horrible person you are.

No I started a thread discussing how much sympathy you can give someone who is deeply unhappy and lonely when it is of her own doing. She is only an example.

Why do I care? I guess because my friend seems to always want us to have sympathy for x and follow the poor her conversation which I can't do.

OP posts:
Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:24

If your friend is gossiping/slagging off someone you can be sure she's doing the same to you. Some people just can't help themselves
Can't be arsed with people like that and tbh you're just as bad with this thread

AnotherName456 · 03/10/2021 11:26

I've just seen your recent update and honestly, I'm not sure I even believe what you are saying. You are so desperate for this woman to come across badly that you have added that she has slept with married men to get pregnant and then carried on smoking and drinking throughout the pregnancy. I'm not buying it.

Bounce55 · 03/10/2021 11:27

Find better friends?