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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:

CityCommuter · 03/10/2021 22:30

@gingercatsparky you need help to be so overly invested in the minute details of a strangers life unless of course you're the 'wronged' wife of the married man this woman had an affair with...

Doyouknowtheway · 03/10/2021 22:37

I think more people should go by 'your friend who is not my friend shouldn't know my business'. My issue would be more with this friend of yours maybe she hasn't got anything interesting going on in her own life but regardless I'd not be telling her anything personal in the future.

nugget396 · 03/10/2021 23:22

[quote ChamberofSecrets69]@nugget396

Is there any need to be so nasty? Surely you can see the irony in your statement?[/quote]
@ChamberofSecrets69 keep that same energy for everyone else on this thread saying the same thing. There is nothing nice about this thread, and the OP is not coming across very well at all. Incredibly horrible, spiteful and bitter. Me calling them out for that is not ironic in the slightest. Thanks though xxx

nugget396 · 03/10/2021 23:25

@gingercatsparky has it occurred to you that perhaps the details your “friend” is feeding you about this other woman are embellished, exaggerated or even not true ?! Considering you don’t her personally, you’ve no idea if any of what she is telling you is true. But instead you’ve internalised all of it, become deeply angry and bitter about it all, to the extent that you’ve written your venomous original post, and then gone on to supplement it with further vitriol about a woman who you. don’t. even. know.

DrSbaitso · 04/10/2021 07:31

Not thinking of the wife or child (yes it takes two to have an affair) but he isn't playing the poor me card.

Oh, you know him as well, do you? But you're not castigating him for shitting on his family as ONLY he can do?

spotcheck · 04/10/2021 07:39

How nasty.

Your tone is incredibly judgy, but I'll bite.

Everyone has their battles. Everyone. It seems to me that most people are battling to figure out their sense of self worth, but in different ways. For some, their battlefield is relationships, for others it is via their relationship with food, or their career.

Everyone has 'stuff' so stop judging!!!!!!

crispsarny · 04/10/2021 09:31

You’re a nasty piece of work, the woman you are bitching about sounds deeply depressed, you & you’re friend are getting off on it. I also think you are the married mans ex or you’re just trolling.

IsabellesMissingSock · 04/10/2021 12:07

OP based on your last posts, you sound vile.

Chipsinthewoods · 04/10/2021 12:24

Ok, you’re entitled to disagree with her life choices, PP have given good suggestions how to avoid discussing this topic with your friend. Why have you come on to the internet to try to get more people to judge her? Who does that help? How would you feel if you were reading a thread and identified details of your own life being dissected?

Original poster

gingercatsparky · 04/10/2021 17:50

I am not judging her, I don't join in bitching about her either when my friend talks about her. I don't think she is bitching as it's not nasty stuff just the latest about how's she getting on. I have never heard her talk about anyone else like this. It's more than she pauses waiting for me to join in the poor hers. I actually think my friend does feel sorry for her and isn't doing it to her nasty.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 17:56

Op are you jealous of this woman? The absolute slaughtering you’re giving her is horrific, right down to even her fertility issues aren’t off limits for you to attack her.

This isn’t about your friend and the poor me thing, you left that in the dust as you excitedly ripped into her.

Are you jealous of her, her looks, money, her friendship with your other friend? You sound obsessed with her and clearly spend to much time obsessing over her and your narrative of her life which enables you to put her down and feel superior.

DrSbaitso · 04/10/2021 21:13

@gingercatsparky

How on earth can you look back on your posts here and think you aren't judging her? Or that your sole motivation is irritation that she's got your friend's sympathy? Who cares that much about something so piddling?

If she's your friend, surely you can either nod and smile, or say "well, I can't help but think her actions have caused a lot of this stuff".

This level of spite and mean spirit is just out of all proportion to the situation and what you're claiming to motivate you.

MzHz · 05/10/2021 06:57

Wow @gingercatsparky, you crossed serious lines there.

That’s too much.

Suzi888 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Well, a night out with you guys must be an absolute RIOT🤣. NOT!

How absolutely boring it must be to go back and forth over this woman’s life. You and your mate need to get lives if your own, you come across as obsessed. Surely this woman can’t suffer so much misfortune that there’s always a new drama to discuss! Is it because she is much wealthier than you all? Bit smug that you all have less money but are SO much happier…. that sort of thing.

Pottedpalm · 05/10/2021 07:23

Find a new friend

Eealoty · 05/10/2021 07:26

Sorry to wade in but you are the kind of person I avoid at all costs. The funny thing is, despite your meagre attempts at rationalising yourself, you are even so unaware as not to realise how hypocritical and more importantly, nasty and apathetic you actually are. There's so much spitefulness running through everything you say that it's impossible that you could be happy within yourself. It's truly sad. You are clearly the one with issues.

PleasantFucker · 05/10/2021 07:56

Are you quite well? You sound like a nasty piece of work who is bitter and jealous that this woman has more money than you. Does she look better than you too?
Instead of listening to this 'not poor womans' life story and slagging her off to every fucker on the internet, tell your friend to stop gossiping about her and talk about something else.
You sound disgusting.

shreddednips · 05/10/2021 08:48

If the only time it was ever justifiable to be sympathetic to someone else's plight is when their misfortune wasn't in any way contributed to by their own actions, the world would be a horrible place totally lacking in compassion.

Yanbu for not wanting this woman and her problems to totally dominate all your meetings with your friend, and it's entirely reasonable to make sympathetic noises and then move the conversation on ASAP or even say something like 'I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing x's life in so much detail behind her back'. But yabu for being so invested that you need to start a thread about how 'immoral' she is. You're directing your annoyance towards the wrong person- it's not this other woman's fault that your friend is discussing her extensively with you. I actually suspect she would rather you didn't.

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