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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:

Chipsinthewoods · 03/10/2021 12:01

@CremeEggThief

Honestly? If I were you, I'd be wondering what your friend is saying to her friend about you, as she seems a bit of a gossip! Surely you two should have better things to talk about than discussing the private life of someone else, who you don't even know personally?

I wondered about this too

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2021 12:03

It seems you have a few options
Carry on as you are for fear of offending friend 1
Tell Friend 1 you can't discuss it anymore
Encourage Friend 1 to say what she is doing to help this friend that she is so troubled about. Rather than just discussing the poor her aspects. Because if its just discussing her and saying how terrible for her, but just standing back and waiting for the next episode to unfold, then what is her point. It sounds like this woman needs help, not to be discussed with all and sundry behind her back ?

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 03/10/2021 12:03

With friends like you…

Thatsplentyjack · 03/10/2021 12:03

Ah I see, you're jealous that she's ended up with a lot of money after her divorce and now she can do nothing right, and deserves every misfortune she gets because she brought it on herself....ok

alterego123 · 03/10/2021 12:04

Apart from the selfish ignorance of turning up in A&E while knowingly infected with Covid, one of it is really any of your business OP.
The A&E thing does mark out this friend as a total dick, but I'd just not engage with your own friend when she talks about dickish friend, and hopefully your own friend will stop burdening you with tales of dickish friend.

KaptainKaveman · 03/10/2021 12:05

What a weird, sly thread.
OP claims not to know this person very well then proceeds to demolish her brick by brick.
Spiteful.
You want people to agree with you OP but they don't.

KaptainKaveman · 03/10/2021 12:07

You even slag her off for putting on weight! What a lovely person you are OP.

NavigationCentral · 03/10/2021 12:10

The OP sounds like a wonderful person. I am also marveling at the amount of time, motivation and energy people like the OP have to spare - outside of the humdrum of everyday life, and at least in my case, small children and full-on work - to even have the oomph to make such threads. I just can't even.

ChamberofSecrets69 · 03/10/2021 12:11

I feel like there's a lot more going on with this woman to be honest. What's her family situation like? Is she close with them? What was her childhood like? If you don't know, then I would ask that you don't judge her. She could be really struggling with some inner demons that you know nothing about.

Your friend sounds like a kind, and empathetic person, which is wonderful! You're very lucky to have her ❤

Camblewick · 03/10/2021 12:12

I am not necessarily judging her although I don't think she's made good decisions. It's more that she constantly wants to play the poor me card with my friend. Ringing her up crying etc. Then my friend wants to pass that onto us.

But you don't say 'I don't feel comfortable talking about someone who is struggling' and change the subject do you?

You say you've never seen your friend as a gossip. Well she is, and so are you.

RudestLittleMadam · 03/10/2021 12:14

YABU and really harsh. This woman sounds insecure and desperate for love/not to be alone. She hadn’t refused the jab she’d just not yet had the second one when she got ill enough to need hospital treatment.

I really hope your friend senses your disdain about her other friend and stops discussing her with you.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 12:21

What happened to the husband with all the money op?

Getawaywithit · 03/10/2021 12:25

find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself

She brought covid on herself? Wow. I mean sure, she went out and caught it deliberately making sure she gave herself a good dose of it so she ended up in hospital.

I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it

It’s morally right to take from someone again and again and not contribute? You don’t think it would have been reasonable of him to one time say he’d pay his own way?

I’m a single parent and due to an inheritance and financially comfortable. I can’t tell you how many men have attempted to latch on to that as soon as they became aware. I earn my own money, however, and am happy single so I don’t accept that shit on my life. It is harder if your self esteem is through the floor and your so-called friends gossip about you and discuss your life on the internet.

crispsarny · 03/10/2021 12:27

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

It seems you have a few options Carry on as you are for fear of offending friend 1 Tell Friend 1 you can't discuss it anymore Encourage Friend 1 to say what she is doing to help this friend that she is so troubled about. Rather than just discussing the poor her aspects. Because if its just discussing her and saying how terrible for her, but just standing back and waiting for the next episode to unfold, then what is her point. It sounds like this woman needs help, not to be discussed with all and sundry behind her back ?

Friend 1 will never do anything to really help her as then she won’t have anything to gossip about to the Op, some peoples traumatic lives are like entertainment for some people, that’s why rags like the Daily Mail exist, people love to read about all the misery, drama, get on their high horses, judge & sit back feeling all better about themselves. I had a friend like this, she kept me onside to make herself feel better about herself, they will never offer a helping hand or ladder to get you out of your hole.

As soon as things improved for me she didn’t like it, whats that saying misery likes company.

Getawaywithit · 03/10/2021 12:27

As for making ‘good’ decisions, there but for the grace of god. We all make decisions everyday, sometimes they can backfire on us on the most spectacular and unexpected of ways. You really never know when it might be your turn for your life to be blown a part.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/10/2021 12:28

I wouldn't do it over the covid stuff - but with the partners issue, either say you'd prefer not to gossip about the woman, or make it clear that you think the woman brings it on herself & you don't have a great deal of empathy. Either should make it clear to your friend that you're really not that interested.

nugget396 · 03/10/2021 12:30

God you sound like a horrible person. This thread was a poor decision.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2021 12:31

Op it’s clear you just dislike her and that’s what’s driving this, just own it.

MaxNormal · 03/10/2021 12:32

Great minds discuss ideas. Ordinary minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-Eleanor Roosevelt.

drpet49 · 03/10/2021 12:32

* I'm on your side OP. Some people are natural victims, but if it's self inflicted I don't have much sympathy.*

^I agree with this

ChamberofSecrets69 · 03/10/2021 12:36

@nugget396

Is there any need to be so nasty? Surely you can see the irony in your statement?

Camblewick · 03/10/2021 12:37

I'm on your side OP. Some people are natural victims, but if it's self inflicted I don't have much sympathy.

Yes they are, you don't have to bitch about them to friends though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/10/2021 12:38

@MaxNormal

Great minds discuss ideas. Ordinary minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-Eleanor Roosevelt.

Definitely agree with this.

OP, I hope your friend happens on this thread, recognises you and drops you . I would. Not just because you can't keep a confidence but, because you're vacuous and have nothing to say of your own.

regthetabbycat · 03/10/2021 12:41

I feel her morals aren't very high so that's why she's in this position.

You sound like a total bitch!

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 12:43

She might have been unwise, but what's she done that's immoral?

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