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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:

Practicebeingpatient · 03/10/2021 12:46

Why not speak up? Tell the gossipy friend that you would feel a lot more sorry for friend 2 if she didn't seem to bring a lot of her misfortune on herself. It will undoubtedly get back to her though.

JavaQ · 03/10/2021 12:47

Perhaps you could find yourself more interesting friends who don't gossip?

Cherrysoup · 03/10/2021 12:48

Turning up to A&E with covid symptoms is extremely selfish. However, this woman sounds like she needs support given how unhappy she sounds. I understand your sympathy is limited and your friend seems obsessed with talking about her, but I’d say either get on board and help or totally change the subject.

Stoppochoco · 03/10/2021 12:50

@gingercatsparky

She doesn't discuss her in a bitchy way, just a how she is kind of way. Me and another friend know her quite well too. I think I will change the subject as every time it is like she expects us to go along with the poor her thing. My other friends do which makes me feel like maybe I am being mean. But I won't go into the backstory but as far as I can see it is all her own doing mostly. Should we still feel sorry for people who make poor decisions and then their life turns out unhappy and lovely?

Most gossips don't spread their bile with hushed tones and a cackle. One of the worst gossips I have ever known (a former colleague, not a friend) did it by expressing concern for her 'victims'. 'Oh, isn't it awful that Susan's husband has (insert horrendous behaviour) poor Susan' She was truly awful, but this tactic of sharing information about other people, she never shared her own vulnerabilities, was a good way of her extracting more gossip out of other people and everyone knew not cross her, unless you wanted to be on the receiving end of her venom. She was also a bully. Think about it, this friend has shared something with you that would normally illicit sympathy, but you've come away all sanctimonious and judgy about her. Why is that ?

ClemDanFango · 03/10/2021 12:51

Your friend is a gossip and you’re judgemental.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/10/2021 12:56

To me it sounds like gossip disguised as sympathy so I would want no part of it.
Just tell her you'd rather not talk about X behind her back.

I've heard people talking about poor X with all their misfortunes isn't it awful... And I hear, well, glee in their voice. Oh dear isn't it awful but fake iyswim.

I'm not convinced your friend wants to talk about the ins and outs of this woman's life so you can all look sad and say how dreadful it all is.

LookAtMoiPloise · 03/10/2021 12:56

You sound lovely

Blackkoala · 03/10/2021 13:02

I would feel sorry for her tbh. I’m generally quite sympathetic anyway, but I also think that when someone repeatedly ends up in bad situations with men etc it’s a sign that they’ve had difficult experiences leading them to that point. Not everyone is able to help themselves effectively.

I don’t think it’s right for your friend to be sharing all these details of her life with you - it’s not a nice thing to do even if done with good intentions.

MzHz · 03/10/2021 13:03

Tbh, I got what you’re saying @gingercatsparky, I’d judge too, and it’s hard to admit that to people who know you and about people they know.

I too would inwardly eye roll, and if friend went to start another conversation about this “poor woman” I’d ask to change the subject as it’s not fair to talk about her because it invites judgement about her which makes us feel crappy, so best not to dwell on someone we don’t know, better to focus on things we can influence etc

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/10/2021 13:05

I think you have two options here.

The next time your friend launches into the saga of this woman, interrupt and shout, ‘Right - that’s IT. I’ve had ENOUGH. I can’t stand to listen to this inane drivel a minute longer. So your friend hands out free holidays like lollipops and then attracts men only after her money - well no bloody shit! As for getting Covid, didn’t she think that might be a possibility if she didn’t have the vaccine? Does she think people were getting needles shoved in their arm for fun? Doesn’t she ever think?

Tell her to stop whingeing and get a sodding grip. But whatever you tell her, don’t tell me about it. Because frankly if I hear one more word about this deluded cow I’ll have to ram a skewer in my ear! Shut up! Shut up! In the name of all that’s holy, SHUT UP!!!!’

Change the subject every time until she gets the message.

While I kind of want you to take option one just so I can enjoy the update, option two is probably more practical.

GrandmasCat · 03/10/2021 13:07

I do resent people doing all the pity talk and poor you, not because I’m unsympathetic but because I find pity disempowering and shite.

If you want to help someone you empower them, saying “oh poor you” to someone does exactly the oposite.

YouokHun · 03/10/2021 13:08

The tone I’m getting from the OP is that there is some quiet relish that someone with lots of money is not having a great time and is having continuous drama in her life (for whatever reason). I sense that there would be disappointment if she were to find happiness and carry on being wealthy. That’s what would really piss off her “friends”.

deadleaves · 03/10/2021 13:10

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Yes. I would feel empathy. She sounds vulnerable and a bit desperate for love.

This.

sst1234 · 03/10/2021 13:10

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Yes. I would feel empathy. She sounds vulnerable and a bit desperate for love.

Desperate for love is just a wishy washy way of saying desperate.

Blue4YOU · 03/10/2021 13:21

We’re you asked to feel sorry for her OP?
You seem to imagine that’s what you are expected to say but maybe you are expected to say “she brought it on herself “ because your “friend” sounds like a horrendous, nasty shit-stirring gossip.
And you have no basis to form views of her vaccination status when you know sweet FA about her (met her, yes, but know her?).
And she married for money - told you that did she?
And who said that was a bad decision??

MzHz · 03/10/2021 13:24

Oh and one more thing, @gingercatsparky if she’s talking TO you about someone else, make sure you don’t tell her ANYTHING about your life cos sure as shit, she’ll be telling OTHERS all about you in the same disparaging tones.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 13:32

@AmDillDandin

It's womAN.

WomEN is plural.

I’m wondering with the spelling of “woman” as “women” and OP being so bitchy and judgmental whether OP is from another culture where it’s sort of accepted (is that the right word?) to judge other women based on how this woman is behaving?

OP, what on earth do you want to gain from this thread? Because really for you it’s backfired, most of us think you and your friend are nasty bitches, feel sorry for the “friend” with the baby and wonder what you and your friend have going on in your lives to judge and bitch about her so badly? It all sounds very Mean Girls to me. Grow up.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 13:32

@MzHz

Oh and one more thing, *@gingercatsparky* if she’s talking TO you about someone else, make sure you don’t tell her ANYTHING about your life cos sure as shit, she’ll be telling OTHERS all about you in the same disparaging tones.

I think OP and her mate are both cut from the same bitchy cloth. Leave them to it.

Original poster

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 13:33

@DrSbaitso

She might have been unwise, but what's she done that's immoral?

Snagging a married man with a dc .

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 13:40

If the “friend” is snagging (or should that be shagging?!) a married man with DC then they’re both to blame, him more as he’s breaking his marriage vows, immoral of her, yes, but also of him too.

Hadjab · 03/10/2021 13:40

No I asked about all that but no she just didn't get it. Fine her choice but then I find it hard to have sympathy for people who end up in hospital or risk others. The holiday thing is just hypocritical as she originally married for money not love so if she's ended up lonely and unhappy I don't think it can me much of a surprise. She can't criticise others for doing exactly what she did herself. No - this is the only friend my other friend discussed in any detail like this. I just feel she pauses to have poor x responses and other friends do this but I don't feel I can

Honestly? You’re coming across as a bit of a cow. Her life is none of your business, and why you feel the need to discuss it in detail here, when you’ve already stated you’re not sympathetic, is beyond me, unless you just like to gossip?

grapewine · 03/10/2021 13:41

Snagging a married man with a dc

Did she force him to have (unprotected sex with her, then?

Men that cheat go willingly, they're not snagged.

Hadjab · 03/10/2021 13:41

@YouokHun

I’m just getting bitchy...

BiLuminous · 03/10/2021 13:43

You don't come off well for this post. A lot of people are like this though- they can't understand why people are how they are, why they might do certain things etc. They just put them down to being a professional victim etc. Often people have other stuff going on.

Your friend's need to constantly talk about her to you makes her sound like a shit friend too, and maybe that you're lacking in conversation. Are you aware that whatever you tell her will probably be going back to that friend too?

CityCommuter · 03/10/2021 13:48

@gingercatsparky yes I would feel sorry for someone who essentially sounds like she just wants to be loved... She sounds vulnerable and people probably take advantage of her because of her wealth...

You OP quite frankly sound cold, judgemental and gossipy... Your tone suggests that because of this poor woman's wealth that people shouldn't feel sorry for her and that she causes all her own problems. So if she was actually financially poor you'd have a different opinion of her because of that... What a horrible and twisted way to think...

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