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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel sorry for this women?

168 replies

gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 10:41

The other day I met with a friend for lunch and she was telling me about her friend who has been deeply unhappy for a long time. My friend always talks about her in a poor her way and like none of her unhappiness is her own doing etc. The friend has lots of money but gets used by guys for money a lot. My friend was slagging off this latest guy for doing just that. However, I asked if this guy actually asks her friend for all the holidays they go on etc and my friend confirmed no, it's her friend who suggests it. I didn't say anything but thought well he's hardly going to say no then and she can't blame him if she's suggesting it.

Then my friend starts saying how sorry she feels for her friend as she caught COVID when she had a new born and she ended up in hospital. Apparently she was scared and crying etc. I can understand this and it must have been scary but my friend went on to say she hadn't got her second jab. I thought this could have been because she was pregnant so reluctant but no she just didn't get it. There was a long pause where I think my friend was waiting for me to join the poor hers but I couldn't. She then went on to say her friend had turned up at a &e with symptoms at this point and complain about the reception she got from the receptionist who told her to leave. Cue more pauses waiting for me to agree about poor x. Every conversation we have about her friend is like this, how unhappy she is, how lonely and how she is in tears. I don't want to be Horrible but I find it hard to go along with the poor hers when she has brought the whole situation and especially the COVID episode on herself. Would you be able to sympathise with someone like this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/10/2021 13:51

I’m wondering with the spelling of “woman” as “women” and OP being so bitchy and judgmental whether OP is from another culture where it’s sort of accepted (is that the right word?) to judge other women based on how this woman is behaving?

What? Because she made a fairly common spelling error?

I'd be interested to know which cultures encourage 'bitchy and judgmental behaviour?

IsabellesMissingSock · 03/10/2021 13:54

Haha OP wanted everyone to pile on and say what a bitch this woman is 🤣 not sure the thread is going the way you wanted it to is it OP? 🤣🤣🤣

Faithlulu · 03/10/2021 13:57

@gingercatsparky’s It appears you are only interested in saying negative things about this lady to try and justify your behaviour

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 14:02

Snagging a married man with a dc .

And he had no choice in the matter, did he? Poor defenceless married father just got "snagged?

LookAtMoiPloise · 03/10/2021 14:05

@IsabellesMissingSock

Haha OP wanted everyone to pile on and say what a bitch this woman is 🤣 not sure the thread is going the way you wanted it to is it OP? 🤣🤣🤣
Who even starts an OP like this? 😂

A thread to slag off someone else's friend.

How weird.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 14:05

@WorraLiberty

I’m wondering with the spelling of “woman” as “women” and OP being so bitchy and judgmental whether OP is from another culture where it’s sort of accepted (is that the right word?) to judge other women based on how this woman is behaving?

What? Because she made a fairly common spelling error?

I'd be interested to know which cultures encourage 'bitchy and judgmental behaviour?

OP keeps on making the same spelling error which is why I mentioned it.

I actually do know a few Eastern European friends who can be quite judgmental about other women/friends, openly or behind their back, not always but sometimes. But then a lot of them aren’t the typical church going women their mother or grandmother was…

Christinatherabbit · 03/10/2021 14:10

What a horrible and bizarre thread. 'I feel her morals aren't very high'....seriously!

ChamberofSecrets69 · 03/10/2021 14:14

@sst1234

Wow, you are truly awful! I'm also desperate for love, having not experienced any from my parents, and I find your attitude beyond vile.

Faithlulu · 03/10/2021 14:17

@DrSbaitso

Snagging a married man with a dc .

And he had no choice in the matter, did he? Poor defenceless married father just got "snagged?

🤣🤣🤣🤣
LizzieW1969 · 03/10/2021 14:25

What a bizarre and unpleasant thread about someone you don’t even know and who your mutual friend has been gossiping about. I’d be most upset if a friend gossiped about me like that.

Maybe she isn’t doing it in a bitchy way, but she’s still a gossip nonetheless. Hmm

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/10/2021 14:28

I assume you are equally disgusted by the lack of morals this married man has, OP.

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2021 14:30

I actually do know a few Eastern European friends who can be quite judgmental about other women/friends, openly or behind their back, not always but sometimes. But then a lot of them aren’t the typical church going women their mother or grandmother was…

Yes, but how does that make it cultural?

1forAll74 · 03/10/2021 14:44

I wouldn't have any sympathy for a woe is me person, Except if it was concerning ill health. But if a persons life is unhappy because they can't get to grips with other things in life, and complain about everything, and have no common sense or resilience about every day life, then this would stop me caring much about someone as such.

DoNotGetADog · 03/10/2021 14:55

I’m surprised you could stay awake while your friend told you all this, ans even more surprised you wanted to type it all out again on here…

3scape · 03/10/2021 15:08

Honestly, it sounds very gossipy I'd shut the friend down prattling on about someone else's life like that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2021 15:12

Sounds as if she’s looking for you to channel your inner Sybil Fawlty in the ‘I know’ sketch.

I wouldn’t like the gossiping either. I have friends, whose view of the world is a bit myopic and brittle. I have realised I’m not going to teach them much if anything. However, I’ve learned what I can from them. I listen more than I speak and make to odd coo. It’s a choice I make. You have made other choices.

If I didn’t approve of the topic that much, I would think very hard of the best way to tackle it. Changing the subject isn’t working. Off the top of my head, next time I would perhaps say you do feel she’s made some bad choices. And you’re concerned she may be offended if she knew ‘we’ were talking about her in this way. That’s why you haven’t said much about it.

The way you’re coming across is equally as bad as her tbh. Perhaps it’s because you’re thoroughly fed up. But you may want to have that reflected back at you to think about as your friends may also clearly see your disapproval.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2021 15:14

*by equally badly as her, I mean as badly as your gossipy friend.

Stoppochoco · 03/10/2021 15:19

I actually do know a few Eastern European friends who can be quite judgmental about other women/friends, openly or behind their back, not always but sometimes. But then a lot of them aren’t the typical church going women their mother or grandmother was…
Does it matter ? I know plenty of homegrown gossips, its not unique to any specific culture, but a fairly universal attempt on the part of the gossip(s) to position themselves as superior to someone else.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 17:53

@WorraLiberty

I actually do know a few Eastern European friends who can be quite judgmental about other women/friends, openly or behind their back, not always but sometimes. But then a lot of them aren’t the typical church going women their mother or grandmother was…

Yes, but how does that make it cultural?

Eastern European countries the culture from what I know can be a bit more rigid eg religion wise from what I’ve been told. Again this is mostly older generation not younger.
Gonnagetgoing · 03/10/2021 17:54

@Stoppochoco

I actually do know a few Eastern European friends who can be quite judgmental about other women/friends, openly or behind their back, not always but sometimes. But then a lot of them aren’t the typical church going women their mother or grandmother was… Does it matter ? I know plenty of homegrown gossips, its not unique to any specific culture, but a fairly universal attempt on the part of the gossip(s) to position themselves as superior to someone else.
Of course it doesn’t matter but OP and her friend are obviously setting themselves up up to judge their friend regardless of OP’s protestations of denial.
WhatAShilohPitt · 03/10/2021 18:10

This sounds really gossipy from your friend - there’s no ‘nice’ way to repeatedly share private details about someone else’s upsetting relationships behind their back. Never mind agreeing with who is to blame- you should tell her it’s not nice of you both to keep talking about her and move the conversation on from something that isn’t any of your concern.

WhatAShilohPitt · 03/10/2021 18:13

Ps I think it’s pretty disgusting that your unpleasant-sounding friend is reporting all of this woman’s medical information back to you. Does this woman know that everything is being reported to someone who has f all to do with it?!

Original poster
gingercatsparky · 03/10/2021 21:52

[quote CityCommuter]@gingercatsparky yes I would feel sorry for someone who essentially sounds like she just wants to be loved... She sounds vulnerable and people probably take advantage of her because of her wealth...

You OP quite frankly sound cold, judgemental and gossipy... Your tone suggests that because of this poor woman's wealth that people shouldn't feel sorry for her and that she causes all her own problems. So if she was actually financially poor you'd have a different opinion of her because of that... What a horrible and twisted way to think... [/quote]
No not really. It's more the poor me aspect she has. She married for money, it didn't work out and no dcs. She then wanted to get pregnant and was lonely so got together with a married man. Not thinking of the wife or child (yes it takes two to have an affair) but he isn't playing the poor me card.

Then struggled to get pregnant but didn't change her lifestyle to get there. Then she's crying and lonely and deeply unhappy, hasn't got pregnant and is desperate so gets IVF- but I kind of think- what did you expect? The money is what you married for, you have that but you can't complain you have ended up on your own , lonely with people who use you as a result of this choice. She wants my friend to support her and my friend wants us to feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
Dreamsupreme · 03/10/2021 22:07

Op just give up . Nasty

LookAtMoiPloise · 03/10/2021 22:16

Oh, bore off.