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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we hopelessly naive? (Neighbour issue)

231 replies

Mightysquirrel · 02/10/2021 13:27

My friend has lived in her house for about a decade and has a friendly relationship with the couple next door. They're not close but they wave and chat if their paths cross. She recently shared her phone number and email with the man of the couple. A few days ago she got a text from him asking if she'd seen his email. So she read his email, he asked for her help with something he called "My life as a pet". She replied saying she'd be happy to help but what did he mean? I'll tell you his reply if anyone's interested but first:

YABU - Were you born yesterday?
YANBU - Maybe he's writing a children's book? (My friend's in publishing)

OP posts:
DragonDoor · 02/10/2021 16:39

If this was the case, he could use websites where people seek out such things.

Approaching a neighbour like that is setting off alarm bells.

He could be masquerading as a sub, but in fact be the opposite.

Original poster
Mightysquirrel · 02/10/2021 16:42

My friend was feeling angry but not really afraid. Good points that he may not have said anything before because he didn't have a quiet way to contact her. And what are the odds that your next door neighbor is into this particular kink? Not high. Making her uncomfortable might well have been his aim.
I'm even more alarmed.

OP posts:
BillMasheen · 02/10/2021 16:45

that's a bit judgy

NO.

If you want to get up to that kind of thing, fine. It can be a lot of fun.

But the mantra of all BDSM stuff is Safe, Sane, consensual.

This was not consensual. He is deliberately pushing at her boundaries in her own home. He is getting off on that pushing. This kind of thing escalates because they always need to keep ramping it up as they become desensitised.

She is right to be very worried.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2021 16:45

I'm even more alarmed

I would be extremely alarmed, and your friend should be, too. Think about just how twisted this man has to be to send a message like that, to his friendly neighbour of 10 years who has never insinuated any interest. He's unhinged.

xprincessxjanetx · 02/10/2021 16:46

Good grief this man sounds unhinged! If you had a fetish as unusual as that why on earth would you try and recruit your NDN to partake in it with you?! The mind boggles - I wouldn't be able to look my neighbour in the eye again after that!

Derbee · 02/10/2021 16:47

I would tell him that it was completely inappropriate to contact me in regards to his perversions. He’s either trying to make her uncomfortable or he’s overstepping boundaries, both of which are unacceptable.

I would make it clear I don’t want to hear from him again, and if he contacted me I would report him for sexual harassment.

I’m absolutely not one to overreact but I’d be FURIOUS that some old pervert tried to drag me into his warped fantasies. Yuck.

Derbee · 02/10/2021 16:51

And for those saying a crime hasn’t been committed, I agree it’s like flashing. It’s designed to shock and intimidate to give the pervert a thrill. I’d report it because it may well escalate.

MilesOfSand · 02/10/2021 16:51

Yep I agree that he’s getting off on the asking and the pushing (putting it mildly) of her boundaries. He’s not just tried a single time (and once is bad enough), he followed up by text to ask if she’d read his email - so didn’t take initial non-response as an answer either. Straight out of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

MurielSpriggs · 02/10/2021 16:52

@xprincessxjanetx

Good grief this man sounds unhinged! If you had a fetish as unusual as that why on earth would you try and recruit your NDN to partake in it with you?! The mind boggles - I wouldn't be able to look my neighbour in the eye again after that!
I think that's the point! I'd agree with an earlier poster that this is very likely to have been done in conjunction with his wife, and is more about her humiliating him than recruiting the neighbour.
MilesOfSand · 02/10/2021 16:53

And I agree that is a clear form of sexual harassment. Of course it is. Creep. I’d keep a copy of the texts and the email and get door cameras if you don’t already have them.

EscapeTheCastle · 02/10/2021 16:56

This is unacceptable. He's getting off on sending the messages.

No one would brush this off easily. Its sent to cause distress.

limitedperiodonly · 02/10/2021 16:58

I'd be furious. It would also scare me and I could never rid myself of the idea that he'd been wanking about me and enjoying slime covered fantasies. The fear would probably go away but living in my house in my happy little bubble would always be spoiled.

We've all fancied someone who was unattainable and if you ask someone out and get rejected you keep other thoughts to yourself and try to avoid them. This is not in the same league. It was deliberate and intimidating.

I'd tell him and his wife what he'd done and tell them to never contact me again. Even if the house was burning down I'd take my chances with a smoke alarm. I'd also report it to the police. They wouldn't do anything but I'd want this man to make no mistake about how seriously I took it.

The wife might not know in which case I'd be doing her favour. But if she did then she'd know I wasn't interesting in playing their kink games.

VenusTiger · 02/10/2021 17:03

@Viviennemary

He is the boy in that weird kids TV programme when a boy sometimes turned into a dog.
Woof! My friend's dad was the cameraman.
VenusTiger · 02/10/2021 17:07

@Mightysquirrel she'll never be able to look him in the eye again, in fact, I'd never speak to either of them ever again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2021 17:08

That would seriously freak me out. She could do a Claire’s law information request. As for the police, doesn’t it have to be more than once or a few times to be considered harassment?

MilesOfSand · 02/10/2021 17:14

@Mummyoflittledragon

That would seriously freak me out. She could do a Claire’s law information request. As for the police, doesn’t it have to be more than once or a few times to be considered harassment?
It’s twice already though, the unsolicited email and then the follow-up text.
MakingM · 02/10/2021 17:19

Oh no, I’d have to move house. That is just so wrong. Eeeeew 😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2021 17:22

I suppose it is. I hadn’t looked at it that way. The police can give op some advice at the very least.

Original poster
Mightysquirrel · 02/10/2021 17:28

Just spoke to my friend. He replied to her email with something like "no worries". As if she said she couldn't water their plants or something. She's not going to respond to him. Ever.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 02/10/2021 17:33

Obviously he interpreted her giving him her email as please spam me with your perversions.
Revolting

She's not tempted to print off his emails and show his wife?

Original poster
Mightysquirrel · 02/10/2021 17:35

No, not at the moment.
I would though

OP posts:
Asurvivor · 02/10/2021 17:41

I’d be worried too about the sudden escalation, and I don’t think he will stop with that “no worries” mail, he’s far too involved in a sexual fantasy with your friend already. I think she needs to do something right now to put some boundaries up and make him very aware that he of the consequences of crossing them - telling the wife, telling the police etc. This is how harassment starts, I think women are unfortunately conditioned to be accepting of completely inappropriate behaviour and we feel obliged to excuse it and just hope it doesn’t happen again.

Bonbon21 · 02/10/2021 17:41

I would be forwarding the entire conversation round the neighbourhood...
Forewarned is forearmed.
And if anyone would be moving house it sure as hell wouldn't be me.

Threewheeler1 · 02/10/2021 17:45

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
I'd be calling the police. Dirty perv.
Any retired teachers on the thread, is this a thing? Grin cos I live next to two retired teachers who have pampas grass.
I also have a face like an angry slapped turnip so I don't think I'll be getting any emails.
I've never heard of this before. Life just gets weirder every day.

Threewheeler1 · 02/10/2021 17:48

Seriously though, this is worrying. I'd be telling someone/everyone about it. It's so brazen it's disturbing. Really feel for your friend OP, what a grim (and scary) position to be in.