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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:
Wellingtonone · 04/10/2021 14:48

Your children sound completely normal (and sound a lot better behaved than mine if those are the worst examples of their behaviour!) but even if there were behavioural issues (and one day there might be!) the way he is dealing with it is totally off and never going to work or make things better. So if this is how he is when things are good how are they going to be if any of your kids do go through tough stages (which most of them do at some point!) good luck OP xx

fatchilli123 · 04/10/2021 15:13

Your children sound very normal. Huge huge red flag . Never improves, you shut him out your life completely, sorry but he is really bad news get rid .

riceuten · 04/10/2021 15:21

You are well rid of him, IMHO. Any normal step parent would be talking with you when the kids aren't around and discussing the difference in approach. He may have a smidgeon of a point - but the way he's gone about it makes me think that, whatever the argument, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who you can discuss and negotiate with.

LittlePaintBox · 04/10/2021 15:28

The fact that your children are happy is a credit to you. This man sounds controlling, and will completely kill your happiness. Does thinking about the future with him living with you all fill you with joy and excitement? It doesn’t sound like it, your subconscious is screaming at you not to do it! Please take notice of it. If you feel you need to keep him away from your children, what exactly does your relationship have going for it?

Madamum18 · 04/10/2021 16:31

Well done for getting out and being strong and for putting your children front and centre!! I am 100% convinced that if he had moved in things would have got worse Flowers

notthatcommon · 04/10/2021 16:55

You are NOT being unreasonable.

The irony of him suggesting your child yelling "Mummy" is them talking to you like shit, when he uses those words to address you, tells me he may be jealous of your relationship with them, and the time they take up in your life.

Your kids NEED to see you end this relationship to understand this is not how relationships should work. You and they deserve better.

BritMommyAbroad · 04/10/2021 16:58

Red flags everywhere here OP. You are right to put your children first. And it’s definitely not OK to use that language about you. I’d end this now. Good luck OP.

lisaandalan · 04/10/2021 17:17

Get rid of him, it's not worth it, you did the right thing letting him leave. Let him stay away, you don't need another child and you don't need someone who makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. X

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/10/2021 18:52

Good for you.

Carry on.

You sound like a marvellous mother.

Shirls22 · 04/10/2021 20:04

So many red flags here, there’s only one F**n prick here my lovely and it’s definitely not you, get rid of him as fast as you can and don’t look back, you and your children are worth so much more

FeeLock · 04/10/2021 20:08

Definitely get rid. Firstly, he wants to come first in your life and he absolutely doesn't: any man who expects a woman to put his wishes before the needs of any children is to be avoided at all costs; secondly, he's clearly unable to understand that joining a ready-made family will take weeks and months; thirdly, to storm out and insult you makes him comically immature. Flowers

Nursejackie1 · 04/10/2021 20:22

Yes. You 100% end this. Now. All the signs that he’s an abusive controlling prick are staring you right in the face. If you don’t leave him for you then do it for your kids. They don’t deserve to have their childhood ruined by this vile control freak. Never ever let a man come into your family and put down your kids. You know them better than anyone. You don’t need to ask if their behaviour is normal, you already know it is. His in the other hand is disgusting.

Zatapec · 04/10/2021 21:55

I sympathise, I've been here, exactly the same, but I tried to ignore it and continue the relationship, which was a mistake, please don't do what I did, I'm sorry but you need to end it, your children are completely normal, and what you do as a mum is too, it sounds like he would rather it was just you and him! It will never work,
Sending you a big hug x

Keelslambo · 04/10/2021 22:26

As someone who grew up with a step dad like that until I was 9, for the kids sake please dump him.
It will only get worse and that type of controlling and poisonous behaviour will affect you and your kids more than you think.
Your kids sound totally normal and happy and you sound like a great Mum. Boyfriend sounds like he’s not cut out to be a Dad/stepdad.

MushMonster · 04/10/2021 22:36

Sorry OP, it is your partner, and I think you need to end it.
Maybe he could see it if he had children himself, but you cannot live like that, and you cannot have your children hearing things like this continously.

Xiomara22 · 04/10/2021 23:39

You sound an amazing mum for making the decision to end it before it got worse and for sticking up for yourself and your kids. They’re lucky to have a mum like you. And amazing for not letting history repeat itself .
Xx

Birdcloud · 05/10/2021 00:03

My fears for you are echoed by all the remarks on here. I think he is jealous of your relationship with your children, and also anxious about moving in as he probably realises he won’t be able to ‘deal’ with your lovely kids. What if he loses his temper? What if he slaps one of them- or you?
Please don’t let this man move in.

LittlePaintBox · 05/10/2021 01:32

Just to say, well done OP. No more treading on eggshells for you or your kids! Use that time when they're at their dad's to properly enjoy yourself.

mog44 · 05/10/2021 10:30

Trust your instincts on this one. I doubt entirely that his behaviour will improve; that's not how it works, in fact it usually gets worse. Your children sound perfectly normal.

Meatymeatytimetoeaty · 05/10/2021 12:12

Good lord, do not subject your kids to that prick. You've dodged a bullet there.

idiotmagnet · 05/10/2021 12:46

He's the one behaving badly, not your kids. They sound lovely and totally normal. Please don't let him ruin things for them. He's a control freak, and this is going nowhere good.

partyhat143 · 05/10/2021 12:50

I feel for you, but please get rid and put your children first. This sounds scarily like my own childhood when step-dad came on the scene at 5, it will get worse, you will be worn down by the constant arguments and your children will be miserable - I left home at 17 and still struggle with it at 22. You & your kids (who sound wonderful) absolutely deserve better.

Jaguarshoes · 05/10/2021 15:08

Your kids are normal and happy. It sounds like he brings a cloud of misery with him. I would not want a man like that near my kids, or myself for that matter.

Seahorsemama · 06/10/2021 19:41

Your children are completely normal. You may have had a lucky escape from “sleeping with the enemy guy”

Mousegiggles · 08/10/2021 18:29

I don't normally comment but having read all of your messages OP, I feel the need to say that you are an incredible mum. DO NOT doubt that. You put your kids first, when many would have gone back. You sound like a strong person (having gone through childhood abuse myself, I know how much strength it takes to not turn out like them). I really hope you are OK and staying strong xx