It's so depressing CONSTANTLY seeing threads like this appear.
It's really very simple - prioritise your kids over your love life and most certainly over a man who clearly resents them!
The behaviour you are describing is perfectly normal - if slightly irritating at times!
That's life with dc of this age.
With this guy my concern would be if this is what he's like with slightly irritating incidents before he has moved in what the HELL will he be like if he does move in and in 5/6 years when your ds is entering teens and is bigger, more grumpy (as teen boys tend to be naturally) and possibly even challenging his "authority" and represents more of a "threat" to him in his "dominant male" mind ?
I dread to think!
I say get rid.
I just feel like when we are all together I'm really on edge. Trying to make sure my children are behaving to his standard, not being silly, impolite or ill mannered in any way.
Is he perfectly behaved at all times?! Obviously not! So why does he expect CHILDREN to be? Arse!
Much like DP is because of his bullying father.
Like father like son eh?
Any glimpse of this behaviour from DP that I've seen before has been quite fleeting
But it HAS been there and until now you ignored that.
We really need to get away from socialising girls and women to be "nice" and "forgiving" and instead tell them DON'T ignore red flags, challenge dodgy behaviour and comments the moment they arise.
This is your chance to dodge a bullet - not just for you but your kids too
I don't understand why you would WANT to continue seeing someone who treats your kids this way and doesn't respect or show kindness towards you!
Are you afraid of being single? Another element of sexist socialisation that needs to end! I am single and have been for many years. Nothing wrong with being single at all in fact the vast majority of the time I much prefer it!
It wasn't a conscious decision at first I was raw after a messy divorce, I've dated at times but as time went on I came to really value and enjoy my single status and all it meant and gave me. So now it would take someone REALLY special to tempt me to give that up.
Well done for sending that message op and it was absolutely correct!
Even abused kids can still have complicated feelings about their abuser especially if they're in a parental role op. I am 49, I grew up in an abusive home and at times was nc with my father the abuser but I was unable to maintain that for a number of reasons inc that of course like anyone he wasn't all bad! It's a deeply complicated relationship. Kids will even physically cling onto someone who has severely abused them as they are being removed from their care. They are children you are the adult you have to do what you know is best for them.
They don't have the knowledge/life experience of how his attitude/behaviour will affect them long term.
Your post yesterday at 1534 surely confirms you were absolutely right to get rid! His response to being dumped was to go on the attack! And in a particularly nasty way
Three years in the making, this 'relationship'. He's only been around my children for the last year, and even then I tried to keep him at arms length. I just didn't see this side to him, not ever.
This is exactly why it horrifies me on other threads when posters are planning to introduce kids very early on and move the new man in very quickly. It takes time for people like this to reveal their true colours.
The mouse - again nobody is all bad. That's exactly the kinda thing my father would have done! He was very into nature and wildlife. He was also capable of slamming my mother against the door and grabbing her by the throat if dinner wasn't something he fancied!
He also taught me to swim, ride and maintain a bike, could be funny, give good advice and generally was very interesting to talk to.
None of that negates the csa he subjected me to, or the physical abuse meted out to my siblings.
I know this man being discussed isn't abusive at that extreme but honestly my point is the most abusive people can also be very nice/good in other ways.
But the good rarely outweighs the bad.
It also serves abusive people to be "nice" at first to get in the relationship to get the control in the first place.
I have asked my mum on numerous occasions what she saw in my dad. She says on top of being VERY good looking (which he absolutely was, very classically so) when they first met he was funny, very generous (he had a well paid job and was still living at home paying a nominal amount of keep so he had it to spend), charming, interesting and entertaining "life and soul of the party" type with raconteur skills which I knew about him. His friends were lovely too which she took as a good sign, she unfortunately ignored his family where there were several red flags! She even met his most recent ex who also had nothing but good things to say about him even though they had parted.
It wasn't until she fell pregnant with me quickly followed by a shotgun engagement/wedding that things began to change. Basically as soon as he had her "trapped" he changed.
He became like his father (violent alcoholic) the violence actually came before the descent into the bottle although that did worsen things.
Being the eldest I remembered what he was like before the alcohol took hold. Both parents tried/still try to blame the drink but I well remember him hitting, punching and kicking mum before that point, shouting, slamming doors, throwing all sorts around. It wasn't the drink the drink just made him worse!
That's outrageously inappropriate messaging your dd like that. I'd be sending him a final message saying to stay the hell away or you will have to take legal action of some form.
Please be careful with this guy and do not hesitate to call in help if needed. Do you have any big burly male relatives/friends who can provide support if needed? Shouldn't be necessary I know but that's the world we live in