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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:

Shellfishblastard · 01/10/2021 23:51

Yes all sounds very normal to me from snag you describe! Just children being children. And mummy / mum being their most used word!

Sadly OP I don’t see how you can continue with this relationship. He has an issue with your kids. Imagine how he will be if things do get tough during the teenage years for example. It’s just not worth putting you and your kids through that unhappiness.

ilovepixie · 01/10/2021 23:53

Dump him now. Your kids are more important. If you don't dump him he will continue to belittle the kids and make their lives miserable. No man is worth that.

Orla1970 · 01/10/2021 23:54

Trust me this is only the beginning. If he moves in he will then start imposing unreasonable rules for the children. Standards they will never meet. Being very hard on and intolerant of your children is a big red flag. Do not let this man move in x

nimbuscloud · 01/10/2021 23:54

Go your separate ways
And thank your lucky stars you’re not pregnant with his child

Ledition · 01/10/2021 23:55

How long are you together?

tiktokdrama · 01/10/2021 23:56

Get rid.

I have children of similar age, behave in similar ways, and the stroppiest my (child free) DP gets is a slight tongue in cheek "it's been a noisy one today, hasn't it?!". If he loves and accepts you as he should, he'll love and accept your children without undermining or aggression. Otherwise he doesn't deserve any of you.

everythingbackbutyou · 01/10/2021 23:58

Thank Christ he showed you this side to his personality BEFORE he moved in. You have had such a lucky escape. Walking on eggshells is hell, and knowing somebody is being unkind to your children in their home is worse. One of the reasons my exh is an ex.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 23:58

I sort of feel for both of you. There are issues with how he expresses his frustration but as a step parent of just one child with similar behaviour to all that I do understand it can be incredibly frustrating at times - it's more irritating when it isn't your child, that's a reality you need to be thick skinned about - and sometimes that can get on top of you and breed rising irritation. It's something I have to actively pull myself back on.

I don't think either of you have expressed yourself very well to each other, he's obviously let the irritation get the better of him and become ratty and nitpicky, and you coming back at him with "I will never change, I will always pick my kids over you" was quite an inflammatory response that didn't go any way to understanding he is actually feeling quite normal emotions, albeit expressing them in too unpleasant a way that he needs to check himself on.

At the end of the day if you're both at odds with each other and the situation is too difficult to be enjoyable, you may as well call it a day.

Lou98 · 01/10/2021 23:59

YANBU, regardless of how well behaved your kids are or aren't, it's not up to him to tell you you're doing things wrong!

Definitely don't move in with him, your kids will constantly be on edge

DramaAlpaca · 01/10/2021 23:59

Your children sound lovely and perfectly normal.

As for him, he doesn't have kids does he? Even if he does, he doesn't sound like the sort of person you want around yours.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 23:59

But now what? Do I end this?

Fuck yes.

BiLuminous · 02/10/2021 00:04

If you don't end it and decide to gloss over this (which a lot of people do) then at the very minimum do NOT put his name on anything. Don't share your finances. He has shown you red flags for toxic behaviour which means he shouldn't be allowed near anything like that. Abusers often get worse once they live in the home as visiting behaviour is different from 24/7 behaviour. I'd urge you to think very carefully about what you do next. Even just holding off for a while longer before moving him in to see if he can show signs of genuine change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/10/2021 00:05

You'd be mad and irresponsible to move him in.

Your kids sound normal, he sounds like someone who doesn't understand or want to understand kids.

So shouldn't be living with them. You know you feel on tenterhooks? That's how they would feel almost as soon as he moves in.

Essentially, he doesn't want your kids to be totally themselves around him - happy, sometimes hyper, funny, sometimes annoying, absolutely nice and normal kids.

Set a higher bar for them when it comes to who they have to live under the same roof as. He isn't going to enrich their lives.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/10/2021 00:06

Oh and if you aren't willing to end it with him (though I think you should) I would double up on contraception immediately.

Original poster

user124765 · 02/10/2021 00:09

I just feel like when we are all together I'm really on edge. Trying to make sure my children are behaving to his standard, not being silly, impolite or ill mannered in any way. When the kids do behave badly I'm already annoyed by having to deal with that. I don't then need a six foot odd bloke piling on me to tell me how I should do better and that my children are 'taking the fucking piss'. I know they're a handful, but he constantly insists they have 'no respect' for me at all. That hurts. Where's his respect when he's picking my parenting to pieces?

No one around me has ever pointed out behavioural problems with my children. From their school reports and parents evenings they are all well mannered and working hard, making lots of friends and meeting expected standards. All family members seem to think they're lovely. 🤷‍♀️ And I've spoken to my own mother about DP and his insistence that the kids are naughty. She laughed and told me to take no notice, that they are completely normal and she should know as she raised 4 of us alone while my dad worked abroad. She would definitely tell me if there was a problem.

If I try to reason with him that their behaviour is normal for their age he just refuses to listen and insists that I'm parenting all wrong. I can't see my life being like this and finding any happiness on a day to day basis at all. I felt like I have to protect my children from his demands otherwise they'll end up fucked up as adults, unable to function properly. Much like DP is because of his bullying father.

OP posts:

ElCaMum · 02/10/2021 00:09

My colleague has just moved in with his girlfriend who has a 7 year old and he’s always asking me what’s normal. (I also have a 7 year old). I reminded him that it’s different having a child from the beginning and jumping in at a later point.
Your ‘D’P obviously doesn’t know what it means to have kids around and isn’t willing to learn either.
I’m sorry you’re having to make this decision but at least it’s coming to a head before he’s moved in.

Lalliella · 02/10/2021 00:10

What would you rather have - happy, giggling, exuberant, fun-filled kids or subdued, scared, controlled kids walking on eggshells? You know the answer don’t you OP. Put your kids first and dump him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/10/2021 00:10

I felt like I have to protect my children from his demands otherwise they'll end up fucked up as adults, unable to function properly.

But OP, you aren't protecting them if you stay with him.

Kids aren't stupid - that atmosphere will become their home life.

Why do you think you've continued this relationship when it's so unhealthy for you and your kids?

Maskless · 02/10/2021 00:11

I'm really sorry that you found a man you like, who turns out not to like kids.

And I'm also sorry to have to say, you are going to either have to end things with him altogether, or just go out on dates with him away from your home and kids.

BSideBaby · 02/10/2021 00:11

Please don't move in with him OP. His behaviour will only get worse.

BiLuminous · 02/10/2021 00:12

@user124765

Any time you ask yourself 'should I leave him?' then read this.

OhWhyNot · 02/10/2021 00:14

You know the answer

He will make you and you children unhappy he is competing with then for your attention

Move on he doesn’t sound very nice

Mollymalone123 · 02/10/2021 00:14

At least you know now that him moving I would e a big mistake!! I saw my now DH for a year before we moved in and he didn’t have any experience with children and I had 2.One also was only 2 and had special needs and had extremely trying behaviour.We had the odd difference of opinion but we discussed parenting etc and he certainly never spoke to me like your partner has! If anything he would say he learnt how to parent by following me.If anything he had more patience than me some days!
Be happy with your children in your new home

Original poster

user124765 · 02/10/2021 00:14

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I felt like I have to protect my children from his demands otherwise they'll end up fucked up as adults, unable to function properly.

But OP, you aren't protecting them if you stay with him.

Kids aren't stupid - that atmosphere will become their home life.

Why do you think you've continued this relationship when it's so unhealthy for you and your kids?

Yes, you're right. I think this is all just really coming to light now because we've been spending an awful lot of time together the last couple of weeks, with the house move and my children being off school ready for a transfer. It's been a stressful week this week. Any glimpse of this behaviour from DP that I've seen before has been quite fleeting. Whereas this week it's had me in tears a few times.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2021 00:15

You literally say he has controlling behaviour. Do you really want this for yourself, let alone your kids?

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