Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:
Nixster87 · 03/10/2021 23:42

After being the child that was in the receiving end of a bully who was seeing my mum I believe you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your babies. You need to look after your own MH and that of your children and constantly worrying about whether or not someone was going to take offence at your children’s behaviour or your parenting techniques would be a very distress situation to be in. I was a teen but I was bullied by the person my mum was seeing, I was emotionally abused, physically abused and then frozen out and I felt like I wasn’t a part of the family, I didn’t even feel like my home was home anymore and spent my life on the sofas of friends, spare beds at my aunts and Grandma’s house because he was so horrible to me. My mum eventually finished with him and met a man I’m happy to have as a stepdad and as Grandad to my children. The other person was only happy when he was around my mum and my younger sister playing happy families and I was left out of all the plans they made. Find a man that loves your kids and you unconditionally x

Original poster
user124765 · 03/10/2021 23:50

@Nixster87

After being the child that was in the receiving end of a bully who was seeing my mum I believe you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your babies. You need to look after your own MH and that of your children and constantly worrying about whether or not someone was going to take offence at your children’s behaviour or your parenting techniques would be a very distress situation to be in. I was a teen but I was bullied by the person my mum was seeing, I was emotionally abused, physically abused and then frozen out and I felt like I wasn’t a part of the family, I didn’t even feel like my home was home anymore and spent my life on the sofas of friends, spare beds at my aunts and Grandma’s house because he was so horrible to me. My mum eventually finished with him and met a man I’m happy to have as a stepdad and as Grandad to my children. The other person was only happy when he was around my mum and my younger sister playing happy families and I was left out of all the plans they made. Find a man that loves your kids and you unconditionally x
This is me. I left home at 16 because things were so bad. Only it wasn't a step-father or boyfriend, he was my biological dad. He messed all four of his daughters up and I'll be damned if I'm going to let history repeat itself.
OP posts:
Nixster87 · 04/10/2021 00:05

Good on you, you and your children deserve a happy atmosphere at home and in life, don’t let anybody convince you to settle for less than what happily grows you all as a family xx Stay strong you will get through this and come out stronger, your children will respect you for this and also the strength and resilience you’ve shown them. Not being bullied by somebody just for the sake of a relationship. Know your worth as a person, know your worth as a family and don’t settle for less than happiness in any part of a relationship whether it’s personally or when they’re around your family and friends x

floss1 · 04/10/2021 00:14

Please get rid of him ASAP!
Your children sound just like mine - lovely!!

Kinko · 04/10/2021 00:15

RUN.

RUN and never look back.

Focus on having a happy home.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2021 00:17

I know he's a highly sensitive and emotional person which can make him impulsive.
I'm going to carry on ignoring and he'll remain blocked obviously, as hard as it is. I know over time things will get easier, not just for me but for him too.
I don't believe that he would ever hurt me physically or become a threat in any way to me and my children. But then I never would have believed that he'd be calling me names and bullying my kids. I'll keep my wits about me, thank you.

@user124765
I don't think you are dealing with someone who is sensitive or emotional. You are dealing with someone whose feelings you had to mind.

I don't think you can deal with this without hinting very strongly to him that there is a thing called the law out there.

Keep all communications from him.
Warn him not to contact you or your children or you will consider it harassment.
Warn the DCs' schools as I detailed in a previous post.
Go to the police if he continues to attempt contact after being told not to.

I think there is a massive other side to him that he will unleash on you and your children unless you are prepared to warn him you are prepared to go nuclear (and then to do it).

me4real · 04/10/2021 00:55

Even Hitler was kind to animals, or so they say.

His verbal abuse of you shows you've made the right decision @user124765 . And you know he's talking shit about something he knows nothing about. x

sobby · 04/10/2021 01:00

If your partner is behaving in this manner and he doesn't even live with you can you imagine what he would be like if he lived with you full time .
Lucky you you and your kiddies have had a lucky escape. He showed you a little of his awful controlling ways. All I can say is thank the lucky stars he did as he would have only got worse.

Your children do come first, they have already had a breakup in their lives presumably with their dad.

Stay strong and focussed you don't need a man like that . Nasty being .

There will be a keeper who comes along and you will realise how lovely he is and not take him for guaranteed after this one .

Segan21 · 04/10/2021 01:17

Well done on u for teaching your child to shower by themselves at 8, great independence. You sound like a brilliant mum x

THEDEACON · 04/10/2021 01:21

Time to just tell him it's not working for you

Graphista · 04/10/2021 02:55

@Bombaloorina I don't consider it a wasted post considering how often this scenario arises on mn and knowing others in similar situations may read it. You never know, and I wanted op to know my thought processes

@mathanxiety thank you

Op well done for staying strong but I agree don't delete his communicees you may need them in the future

You're right to keep your wits about you

Re 8 year old showering alone they develop at different rates, my dd was fine bathing alone around 7/8 and even "kicked me out" for fussing over her, though I'd be pottering in the next room and chatting to her whereas my sisters eldest is a very nervous type (there are reasons for this) and didn't like being alone for this until almost 10. It varies greatly around this age

GrubbyGirl · 04/10/2021 04:30

He's pissed off because he now has to go through the exhausting nice guy act to entrap another woman. Hopefully they will be as sensible and clued up as you have been.

I hope for your sake he counts his losses and leaves you alone, but these guys don't like to be shown up for who they really are.

Best wishes OP Thanks

Becclescake · 04/10/2021 04:51

Oh no, he sounds like an aggressive arsehole quite frankly! He will make your kids life a misery if you continue a relationship with him, I'd tell him to sling his hook.

Petlover9 · 04/10/2021 04:59

@Ledition

But now what? Do I end this?

Yes you absolutely do, unless you want to ruin your future relationship with your children? Calling you a "fucking prick" is appalling in and of itself TBH. There's nothing more irritating than someone with no children pontificating about how they "should" behave - it's always some Victorian notion of children being seen and not heard Confused

If you're already walking on egg shells this absolutely won't work long term. He should never, ever try to control and micromanage your DC, they will end up hating him (rightly so) and resenting you (rightly so too if you let it happen). You and your DC deserve better. Flowers

Totally agree agree with this^. Extremely rude and bad tempered, GET RID. I did in 1995, never looked back. When they display this behaviour they NEVER change🧁🍷
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2021 05:58

He tried to get to you through your DAUGHTER???
Wow.

I agree with keeping a screenshot of that message before blocking him from her phone. And I'd retrieve the email and keep a copy of that too.

He may well turn up on your doorstep - he's put 3 years into this, he's not going to let it go suddenly. He obviously thought he had you where he wanted you, hence the mask starting to slip - he's going to try and get back to where he was so those 3 years aren't "wasted".

They're not wasted from your perspective either. You've had good times with him - but he's a lost cause now he's shown his true colours, so you've learnt that he's not worth keeping around.

Stay strong - don't let him emotionally manipulate you.

lcl · 04/10/2021 07:00

Your children sound absolutely normal and wonderful. Mine do exactly the same especially in the shower or toilet ! Please don’t ignore these red flags with this guy. He will only get worse. There are far too many sad sad stories of a new man or woman coming into a home and children suffering. He definitely does not like or want children. You sound like a strong independent woman who puts her children before anyone.

lcl · 04/10/2021 07:28

@Segan21

Please, please get out of this relationship. I’ve worked with a lot of women in abusive relationships. This has all the signs of the start of an abusive relationship. If you are on tether hooks at the start of the relationship what will it be like when you are a few years in. And to call you a fucking prick!!!! Again if he’s calling you names now and he hasn’t even got his feet in the door what will he do when he’s living with you. What names will he call your children? Your kids need to feel safe, they need to feel you are putting them first. Usually at the start of a relationship a person will try their best to get on with their partners children, to help them adjust. This guy seems like a control freak. You totally did the right thing asking him to leave. Your children’s behaviour is totally normal. I ha e 3 children of similar ages and mine are even louder and more annoying but that’s what they’re meant to do, they push back, they question everything, that’s how they learn. Wishing you all the best 💜
This. Please listen. Stay strong.
Gilly12345 · 04/10/2021 07:47

Your children are young and need you to be Mum, they are your priority, this bloke sounds like a knob.

daisystone · 04/10/2021 07:47

Children always come first.

I think you realise from everything you have written that your family is totally ‘normal’ and he is the one creating problems. How awful to feel on edge all the time when they and you have done nothing to warrant that. They don’t deserve someone judging them like this. Neither do you.

As you say, he is not a parent, he has no practical experience. I would have a very heavy heart if my partner constantly belittled my children and parenting. That is an absolute no no in my book.

Time to let him go I think. Your relationship with your children is MUCH more important and lasting.

Tigerlilynuj · 04/10/2021 08:08

I think you already know the answer to this OP. You need to get rid of DP. He sounds controlling and all together a nasty piece of work. Your children are behaving perfectly normal and you sound like a brilliant mum. He's not going to make you or your children happy.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/10/2021 08:24

If you’re coming on to a thread that is 29 pages long, it really is wortH RTFT or clicking the see all button on the OP to read all of the updates.

Don’t assume nothing has changed since the OP…

Riada · 04/10/2021 08:44

@MiddleClassProblem

If you’re coming on to a thread that is 29 pages long, it really is wortH RTFT or clicking the see all button on the OP to read all of the updates.

Don’t assume nothing has changed since the OP…

Absolutely this! The OP has already dumped and blocked him, and he's being deeply unpleasant about it, so it's really not helpful for her to be being harangued by people about who can't be bothered to read all her posts.
Cirin · 04/10/2021 09:00

Sounds aggressive and dangerous. Stepfathers and strange men in the house are a danger to kids, and this one is a prime example.

They HAVE to come first. He will try to poison you against them - it's already started.

NHRN · 04/10/2021 09:02

Your kids (YOURS, not his) are only kids for a short time. Enjoy them and all that they do! He can bugger off, he sounds like a nasty controlling man.

Justonemoretouch · 04/10/2021 09:12

Let him go. He sounds jealous and resentful of your children and perhaps the under-the-breath comment he made on leaving was in fact aimed at your young son who perhaps he sees as a fly in the ointment. I can't see how this man would make you or your family happy.