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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/10/2021 22:07

Do not put up with any of this behaviour of his for one day, not one month.

He is trying to get you back under his thumb and he will not rest.

You need to fire a few shots over his bow.

BiLuminous · 03/10/2021 22:15

@user124765

I've just had an email from him. He sounds desperately sad and apologetic about his behaviour. Hit delete and ran myself a nice hot bath. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forgive him, however much I miss him.
Keep it. Keep all messages.
HumourReplacementTherapy · 03/10/2021 22:17

@JustDoingMe

Couple of people on here asking if no one reads the OP's updates? The thread is 22 pages and counting long! So sorry so maybe some get missed with the amount of traffic on this issue!
You can filter it to only read the OP's posts. Smile
palepinkflowers · 03/10/2021 22:18

You did absolutely the right thing in finishing with him. He would have continued to make you and your children very unhappy and destroy the good relationship you have with your children who sound lovely. I wish you strength and all the very best for a good and happy future. Flowers

santabetterwashhishands · 03/10/2021 22:19

Do sounds kick a knobhead and he definitely wouldn't be moving in !

GrandmasCat · 03/10/2021 22:22

OP, I do really wish he is an idiot with no boundaries, because if he is not, this is a person you should be very careful of, the worst is maybe still to come. They are nasty, then dreadful, then lovely and when you say no, hell breaks lose.

I have seen this kind of contacting the children behaviour 3 times:

One, where the ex ended up trying to collect my friend’s daughter from nursery (she was not his), thankfully she had let the nursery and the police know.

Two, the fiancé of a friend, he stole anything of sentimental value in her house down to her dead dad’s photos before cutting the phone line and electricity from the house. When the police was called they told her he had been in jail before for stalking and beating a woman.

Third one threw my friend’s teen into the mess of the split and manipulated him to the point the relationship with his mother was severely damaged, she felt forced to go back to the guy to improve the relationship with her son.

Tell him not to contact you again and use the grey rock strategy until he gets bored and leaves you alone.

DoveOfPiss · 03/10/2021 22:23

I read your original OP and thought 'my ex has done the same thing to someone else'. I had 5 years of the same, OP, and in the end, the overwhelming feeling was one of relief that it was over. You've mentioned that in one of your later posts.
This in itself shows that you have made the right decision, you are a good mum and have put your children first.
I wish I'd done it sooner but I think I wanted the company, adult conversation and somewhere to go once a month where I wasn't doing everything.
He used to make me feel horrible inside with the things he said to my kids, I knew it was wrong.
And in the end, we have both done something about it.
Well done you FlowersWineSmile xx

GrandmasCat · 03/10/2021 22:24

And yes… do NOT delete the messages, they may come handy if you need to contact the police.

esloquehay · 03/10/2021 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nigglenaggle · 03/10/2021 22:24

LTB

mathanxiety · 03/10/2021 22:26

OP, I do really wish he is an idiot with no boundaries, because if he is not, this is a person you should be very careful of, the worst is maybe still to come. They are nasty, then dreadful, then lovely and when you say no, hell breaks lose.

THIS ^^

Original poster
user124765 · 03/10/2021 22:28

@esloquehay

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Eh?
OP posts:
Original poster
user124765 · 03/10/2021 22:33

@mathanxiety

OP, I do really wish he is an idiot with no boundaries, because if he is not, this is a person you should be very careful of, the worst is maybe still to come. They are nasty, then dreadful, then lovely and when you say no, hell breaks lose.

THIS ^^

Thank you, I'll bear this in mind. I'm not afraid of him at all, but I know he's a highly sensitive and emotional person which can make him impulsive. I'm going to carry on ignoring and he'll remain blocked obviously, as hard as it is. I know over time things will get easier, not just for me but for him too. I don't believe that he would ever hurt me physically or become a threat in any way to me and my children. But then I never would have believed that he'd be calling me names and bullying my kids. I'll keep my wits about me, thank you.
OP posts:
Vinomummyinlockdown · 03/10/2021 22:34

If anyone called me a fucking prick he would be history. No excuses.

keffie12 · 03/10/2021 22:46

Normal behaviour from your children. End pthe relationship. He isn't going to change. Staying with him isn't going to change anything.

The relationship can't go anywhere with him being like this. No point. Yes it's difficult. Don't wait for something to happen drastic.

SequinsandStiIettos · 03/10/2021 22:48

Well done for making the break OP. I can imagine how hard it was for you. But you have done right by your kids - that's why you are a good Mum. He would have been a bullying, aggressive, toxic stepfather and it would have got worse as soon as he had his feet under the table.
You would have been pulled in two the whole time, made to choose and the kids would have been scarred for life. I was that child. I wish my Mum had stuck up for me. Flowers

Aslan007 · 03/10/2021 23:01

I really hope that you do lay it out for him and get rid of him ASAP.
Your kids are just being kids. It’s normal behaviour and if he thinks otherwise then you need to question how he was raised by his parents.
He is insanely jealous of the closeness you have with your children and he wants to control your and your kids lives. He sounds like a passive aggressive narcissist.
Surely you are not that desperate for a man that you will sacrifice yours kids childhood.

Littlemissmagnet · 03/10/2021 23:09

Well done op. It will be a few months of I am sorrys from him better than a few years or decades of them. He can say your a terrible mum however you know better. You put your children first and and u will find the right person for you and it won't be a trauma introducing them into your family. Good luck OP x

Nearly47 · 03/10/2021 23:13

OP, I haven't read all the posts but I feel that you need to end the relationship. 8 years old is still so young and the behaviour you described is so so normal. And even if it wasn't it is not his place to fix you or your kids. Good luck and I really hope you find someone that loves you enough to accept you and not try to change youFlowers

Alicenwonderland · 03/10/2021 23:14

You're doing fantastically OP!
Keep the emails/texts ect but don't reply. Sadly women are most at risk when they end a relationship with an abuser. After being together for 8 years I didn't believe my ex could be capable of the things he did towards the end of the relationship and after we split, so keep your wits about you, these men can turn very nasty.

Elfblossom · 03/10/2021 23:18

Personally, I think 8 is just a little bit young for showering while you sit on the sofa. I'm not saying you need to be in the room but, on the same floor so you're on hand if anything happens.

As for the man - 📢 End it now 🚩🚩🚩

As for

Original poster
user124765 · 03/10/2021 23:22

@Elfblossom

Personally, I think 8 is just a little bit young for showering while you sit on the sofa. I'm not saying you need to be in the room but, on the same floor so you're on hand if anything happens.

As for the man - 📢 End it now 🚩🚩🚩

As for

I've worked really hard with my son on independence. He was still asking me to do the most basic of things for him until a year ago. I realised he needed an extra push to be more self-sufficient and showering was one of the things we worked on. His confidence in himself has improved no end.
OP posts:
Segan21 · 03/10/2021 23:26

Please, please get out of this relationship. I’ve worked with a lot of women in abusive relationships. This has all the signs of the start of an abusive relationship. If you are on tether hooks at the start of the relationship what will it be like when you are a few years in. And to call you a fucking prick!!!! Again if he’s calling you names now and he hasn’t even got his feet in the door what will he do when he’s living with you. What names will he call your children? Your kids need to feel safe, they need to feel you are putting them first. Usually at the start of a relationship a person will try their best to get on with their partners children, to help them adjust. This guy seems like a control freak. You totally did the right thing asking him to leave. Your children’s behaviour is totally normal. I ha e 3 children of similar ages and mine are even louder and more annoying but that’s what they’re meant to do, they push back, they question everything, that’s how they learn. Wishing you all the best 💜

Cherrysoup · 03/10/2021 23:30

Be careful he doesn’t try to contact your dc and harass you. I dunno why he had your dc’s number, keep yourself and them safe.

Original poster
user124765 · 03/10/2021 23:42

@Cherrysoup

Be careful he doesn’t try to contact your dc and harass you. I dunno why he had your dc’s number, keep yourself and them safe.
He has my daughter's number because it was practical to do so. He's taken her on four hour car journey's to see her best friend and also been in contact with her to keep her updated when I was hospitalised. I didn't see why him having her number was a problem....not until today anyway.
OP posts: