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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid with dp

128 replies

froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:40

Dp and I recently married and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

He has been complaining lately about spending too much money bills being too high etc. I rarely spend his money on anything other than food shopping. Anything personal or for my ds comes from my money. But due to the massive wage difference he does have more disposable income than me and usually pays for holidays, meals, days out and so on.

I struggle a lot and he has literally sat and totted up his latest credit card statement in front of me and had a go at me for spending what added up to about £50 on a few Amazon purchases on his account (I ordered on his because he has prime and free delivery). Neglecting the fact that he pays double that monthly on things he wants like a wine subscription, car insurance for a fancy second car he never uses and takeaways he wants.

I am so fucking fed up with being skint. Surely marriage is about being a team. How is it going to work when we have a baby that will need stuff when I'm being made to feel awful for spending a tiny amount. I was in tears so frustrated and he didn't care, I've come to bed without eating as I'm so pissed off and he's not bothered. This doesn't feel like a partnership. Overall he is generous but every now and then he will have these moments where I just think wow you are so mean with money and I was actually better off financially alone.

I don't want to feel like im in his debt. But I contribute where I can along with doing housework and shopping and will be raising his fucking child when it's born. Should finances between married couples not be a little fairer?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2021 19:45

Your husband is a prick, and that is never going to change. The man you see now is the one you're stuck with, unless you make some changes. I would be making an exit plan, personally. This won't be getting better.

Thatsplentyjack · 01/10/2021 19:45

Honestly I wouldn't be with someone unless all finances were shared, no matter who was the higher earner.
I hope he's going to adjust his contribution when you are on maternity leave.

Stuckhere2021 · 01/10/2021 19:46

YANBU. I don’t understand couples who are essentially families not pooling their money. It would be different if one of the people was a reckless spendaholic. I could never be with a partner in a long term family type situation who had “their own” money while I struggled. I don’t understand one partner having to borrow from the other. You mention “your DS” - is DP his dad? If not, does he resent paying towards him?

Thatsplentyjack · 01/10/2021 19:47

Oh and he sounds like a dick, but maybe he's not being entirely truthful about what his money is being spent on. Does he gamble by any chance? Could he be in debt?

StoneofDestiny · 01/10/2021 19:48

Honestly I wouldn't be with someone unless all finances were shared, no matter who was the higher earner

Totally agree.
Marriage is about sharing your lives in everything

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:48

Thank you. He has taken great offence to being called mean with money but that's exactly how he's being at the moment. I appreciate that he pays for the big ticket purchases like holidays and home improvements but on a month by month basis we pay things fairly equally and so I wouldn't have thought a few bits off Amazon would be a big deal. I think he is stressed about money in general but totting up purchases in front of me feels like he's blaming me.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 19:49

So you have a child that isn’t his, and his child on the way?

Why did you think it was fair for you to pay the same on bills before now?

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:50

Ds is mine from a previous relationship.
No gambling, no debt. He likes to have savings which is a luxury I can't afford myself. I would feel more comfortable with a pooled bank account but then I'd probably feel guilty about any purchases just for me. Anything that's solely for me such as haircuts, clothes etc is paid for by me.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 01/10/2021 19:51

Re: Amazon Prime; he can share the prime benefits with another member of the household and they use it on their own account. My dh had prime in his amazon account and shares the benefit with me on my account so we don't use the same account/payment card

Notimeforaname · 01/10/2021 19:51

I honestly can't understand how/why families live together but keep separate finances. It's the weirdest thing.

You are one family. You share everything.

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:51

@Cocomarine the bill paying situation isn't what
I'm talking about. He pays mortgage costs, I pay household bills. Roughly works out quite similar. He pays for big ticket extras because I simply don't have that sort of cash.

But blaming me for all the extra spends is annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:53

@Notimeforaname probably started out as laziness in the beginning. We had our separate accounts and that was the arrangement. Now we are married and have a baby on the way I would have expected things to feel a bit more 'together'

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 01/10/2021 19:53

How to share Prime

To be livid with dp
dementedpixie · 01/10/2021 19:55

You shouldn't be paying equal amounts if you are earning less. It should be proportional or all put into 1 joint account

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 19:55

[quote froggy45]@Cocomarine the bill paying situation isn't what
I'm talking about. He pays mortgage costs, I pay household bills. Roughly works out quite similar. He pays for big ticket extras because I simply don't have that sort of cash.

But blaming me for all the extra spends is annoying. [/quote]
Right - but it’s what you should be talking about.
Do the extras that he pays for add enough to balance out a fair split between you?
There’ll be many views on what’s fair, e.g.:

  • all in one pot
  • proportionate to income
But there’s usually a broad consensus on what is not fair - a spouse with 3x salary paying the same.
lannistunut · 01/10/2021 19:55

I don't understand separate finances, I simply could not have more money and watch my DH have less (I am the higher earner here).

I wonder if you should try to have a frank conversation - say you are completely unhappy with how money is organised and you would like to review.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 01/10/2021 19:58

I dont understand. You bought what on amazon? luxuries for you or household items? you spent whose money on this? His?

did you spend his money on luxuries from amazon without asking him?

Did you spend your own money on household items?

Or something else?

Maybe YABU, maybe YANBU - depends what you bought, whose money you used, and why

HollowTalk · 01/10/2021 19:59

He's incredibly unfair. How selfish of him to have all that spare money for himself and seeing you struggle financially.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 19:59

This is a slippery slope.
Who is going to pay for childcare?!
Who is paying for baby stuff?!
Who is paying for your mat leave?!

You need to have an extremely serious conversation about what being married and having a family means.

LaRobeRouge · 01/10/2021 20:01

Financial 8nput should be proportional to earnings so no way should you be paying half. I can see what he gets out of this relationship (cleaner, cook, housekeeper, childcare once the baby arrives) but what do you he? A man who whines about you spending a few quid on household items while splashing money about on himself. This will only get worse once the baby is born. Did he want a child?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/10/2021 20:03

You can share prime with another person so no need to use his. I’d be cross if we had separate finances and he had spent in my card.

50/50 is very fair considering there are two of you and one of him.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 20:03

He’s got two cars and a wine subscription and you are “fucking skint”.
Why has it taken him telling you off for spending his money to be angry at your set up?

Tbh, I’d be unimpressed if my husband was just spending on my Amazon account without asking. But then, my husband would never have cause to describe himself as fucking skint whilst I had two cars.

RandomMess · 01/10/2021 20:04

What's going to happen when you are on maternity leave and your pay significantly drops and you can't afford to contribute what you are now?

Iggly · 01/10/2021 20:07

You need to have a serious conversation about money and should do it ASAP.

When me and DH got married we had that chat and decided everything into one pot. It makes no sense to split finances, no sense to have “our own spends” etc. Even more so when the kids come along.

So have the chat. And it needs to be fair. While he may earn more than you - the child is his so he needs to contribute properly. Especially as, when you go back to work, he will need to share the costs of child care. Being his child too.

DH and I had times where each of us earned more at different points so I’m glad we didn’t quibble. E.g. at the moment I earn 1/3 more than him and previously it’s been the other way around!

Iggly · 01/10/2021 20:08

@RandomMess

What's going to happen when you are on maternity leave and your pay significantly drops and you can't afford to contribute what you are now?
On maternity looking after his child 👀🤨