To be livid with dp

[froggy45]

Dp and I recently married and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

He has been complaining lately about spending too much money bills being too high etc. I rarely spend his money on anything other than food shopping. Anything personal or for my ds comes from my money. But due to the massive wage difference he does have more disposable income than me and usually pays for holidays, meals, days out and so on.

I struggle a lot and he has literally sat and totted up his latest credit card statement in front of me and had a go at me for spending what added up to about £50 on a few Amazon purchases on his account (I ordered on his because he has prime and free delivery). Neglecting the fact that he pays double that monthly on things he wants like a wine subscription, car insurance for a fancy second car he never uses and takeaways he wants.

I am so fucking fed up with being skint. Surely marriage is about being a team. How is it going to work when we have a baby that will need stuff when I'm being made to feel awful for spending a tiny amount. I was in tears so frustrated and he didn't care, I've come to bed without eating as I'm so pissed off and he's not bothered. This doesn't feel like a partnership. Overall he is generous but every now and then he will have these moments where I just think wow you are so mean with money and I was actually better off financially alone.

I don't want to feel like im in his debt. But I contribute where I can along with doing housework and shopping and will be raising his fucking child when it's born. Should finances between married couples not be a little fairer?

The things I spent on Amazon were things for me yes. I did ask him and he said it was ok. But then when things get tight it seems like my purchases are apparently the straw that broke the camels back.

What did you agree before marriage when you discussed how your finances would work after you were married?

My opinion is that husband and wife are one person and all things (money, body, heart, hopes, dreams) are joined. Me and dH agreed on this before we were even engaged, and then hammered out the nitty gritty like joint bank accounts etc in the weeks before we got married.

But if you and your DH have a different idea it's not necessarily wrong.

Did you not discuss finances before getting married?

@froggy45

The things I spent on Amazon were things for me yes. I did ask him and he said it was ok. But then when things get tight it seems like my purchases are apparently the straw that broke the camels back.

What about the straw that breaks your back? Do you not look at your skint bank balance and his second car and not feel those straws weighing heavier and heavier?!

What is the plan for when baby arrives?

@Charbead49

Did you not discuss finances before getting married?

I think most people live together before they get married now, and then keep the status quo.

So I have separate finances from DH. We just never bothered to merge them. I’m currently a SAHM but previously was on about £32k while he was on £80k ish + bonuses. I earned 28% of the total household income, so I paid 28% of the total household expenditure. Means I had a fair whack of money left each month as mine, he still had far more which had built savings and as you say, went towards big ticket stuff like holidays. He would often give me money from stuff like bonuses or shares, or we’d use that money to pay things off like car finance etc.

These days, if I need something out of our regularly budgeted stuff, I tell him what it is (additional school uniform 💰, to pay for ferries to go on our holiday etc) and put it on his CC and then he can see what I’ve spent as I’ve spent it, and decide how he pays it off. I struggle a bit with being SAHM in that sense, but it’s working fine just now for a lot of reasons although is not sustainable long term.

When I was first a SAHM, I really struggled as I didn’t give myself enough money each week, it would all be spent on stuff for DD and I didn’t have much. But when he realised I was struggling we reassessed it all.

Just trying to give an example of how we worked things, as it sounds like financially it’s similar proportions to yours.

It’s a tricky balance to find, but for someone who has 2 cars and plenty of spare money to make you feel like that over £50 is massively unreasonable. You need to find a way to balance this all before the baby come.

Is this his first DC? Is he prepared for the time when you are on Mat leave (financially) and is he nervous about becoming a parent? This shouldn’t excuse his behaviour but it may well be contributing to it.

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband is a prick, and that is never going to change. The man you see now is the one you're stuck with, unless you make some changes. I would be making an exit plan, personally. This won't be getting better.

yip

I don't think this is a case of separate vs joint finances as each couple/family is different.

I keep separate finances to my DH and I earn double his salary. I contribute more to the household; I buy the DC their every day things (clothing, shoes, school uniform etc); I tend to finance most days out or meals and so on. At larger speeds like birthdays, Christmas and holidays I will contribute more. For larger household spends I again contribute more.
I never bring this up with my DH, I never make him feel bad. I earn more therefore I contribute more, even if that isn't paid in to a central pot.

This is about your husband being a tight prick who makes an issue out of money when there is no need.

My father was mean-kept his own money to himself and my poor mum was always in trouble for spending money on necessities (she didn't work as my sister had Downs Syndrome and Leukaemia)
It became a miserable existence and the one thing l would say to anyone now is this:
Beware of a 'mean' man it's one of the worst things that you can come up against and if he's mean with his money, he'll be mean with himself.

Separate finances were also my idea. When DH and I first moved in together he earned slightly more than me and I still insisted on it, after being burned badly in the past by someone similar to the OPS DH.

I have a friend in a similar situation, her husband earns lots more than her, he has three houses he rents out, an array of expensive cars and hobbies yet God forbid if she buys a friend a birthday card that isn't on the grocery list he wants the money back. He checks what she spends with a fine tooth comb he is a very controlling man and uses money as another form of control.
So be careful,nip this in the bud now before baby arrives.

@Moonface123 I honestly wouldn't say dp is that bad. What irritates me is that money is separate. He gets to spend what he wants and save money most months. I struggle. If I needed something and asked him he would buy it and not complain. But things still feel very separate.

During our row tonight I asked what he intended to do when baby arrives and he said that's what he's saving for and why we have to tighten our belts.

I just feel very pissed off at the way he literally sat and calculated all the money I spent in front of me while ignoring all of his own selfish purchases as if I'm someone who is reckless with money.

Does he tot up all his own spends or just yours?
It does seem an unfair situation when one of you earns 3x the other but you both pay the same towards basic living expenses and one of you has much more disposable income.
And yes it's unfair if one of you had things like a second car or expensive hobbies and the other gets a 'bollocking' for spending £50.
And even though you pay more than your share, proportionately, it shows who is 'in charge' of finances if you don't have a discussion about it but you get a telling off. Its quite a power imbalance

Do your own spreadsheet of what he spends money on and what you spend it on. Will make a lovely pivot table...

Differentiate between shared costs - mortgage/food/cleaning products/bills etc

Presumably one car is his, and one shared or do you have your own car too?

Sorry x posted.
Why does he think its fair to add up your spending but ignore his own? Is he the only one who is allowed fun money?

Probably because he sees it as me spending his money on my things. Hence why it's all very separate.

Tough one OP! Did you realise he was like this before marriage - pregnancy?

Is he annoyed because you've spent £50 from his account on yourself when you keep money separately, rather than spend it using your own account? (Regardless of prime benefits, you can add a different payment cards at checkout).

Is he nervous that during your maternity leave he will need to fully support you and your joint DC then your DC from a previous relationship? If he is going to be expected to pay everything for a period of time, then I can imagine he would want to be tight now!

3x the salary doesn't always mean 3x the take home (obviously after taxes / pensions etc). What is the actual amount relative to each other you have left over?

Nope, that's not for me at all. As soon as we got married it was every bit of income going into a joint account, family money not 'mine vs yours'. At that point in time we both earned similar (low!) wages working full time, then I ended up not going back to work after our second child and his career massively increased.

The bottom line is you shouldn't ever have to feel uncomfortable / stressed / unequal in terms of your finances, you should be a team and deal with things in a way that works for both of you. Once you have a baby that conversation will be harder as you'll both be tired and adjusting to parenthood, please don't leave it too late!

I don't like the sound of him O/P -my sister used to be married to a similar guy- used to being the operative word- she is now married to someone else! Fair enough neither of them have much but what they have is shared. You should be a team at this stage in your relationship- DH and I met when we had bugger all between us but have always chucked everything in one pot. Everything is ours - never mind who earned what. When we first bought our house many moons ago I earned double his earnings- although he had a lump sum to pay our deposit from an insurance policy - (was £2k in the late 90s ).He earns twice my earnings these days. Can't believe he is making a fuss over £50 what an arsehole.

Sorry OP ... but I would be making plans to leave ... you cannot live like this...

Shouldn't you be contributing a little less though if you earn less, which is likely because you are on maternity or will have less hrs / childcare etc
So if hes on 3 x more then you pay 30% he pays 70%
Personally myself and dh just pool all our money ( as we don't have a lot anyway)
We just see it as our money but seems unfair 50/50 if he earns so much more

Carbon copy of my ex.

I got out.

He’s being controlling. You aren’t casually dating - you’re in a committed relationship with a baby on the way so it’s not right that he’s ring-fencing his money away from you so that you can’t touch it without his permission. That’s not a partnership. He’s acting like you aren’t an equal.

There’s no way I’d accept someone on a good wage micro-picking through a £50 bill and quizzing me over every purchase made with ‘his’ money when there’s plenty left for him. As you say, it’s selfish to the point of being worrying. What will he do when you buy the baby things? Grill you and begrudge the baby for eating into the money he wants all for himself?

My partner and I gave joint account we each put equal amount in for bills, cars hols etc, then our money is our own. I earn quite a bit more than him - though he also chooses to work 10 hours a week less than I do. He chose to leave a much higher paid job. We have lived like this for 20 years. I would never blend money, because he would be monitoring every penny I spent. I don't do a high stress job, to not be allowed to buy what I want. He is naturally a small spender and controlling if allowed to be. Be careful what you wish for. However, the idea you have to spend only your own money on your son, doesn't sit right with me. You are a family now. Does he not feel he has responsibilities towards your son, or want to support him?