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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be livid with dp

128 replies

froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:40

Dp and I recently married and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

He has been complaining lately about spending too much money bills being too high etc. I rarely spend his money on anything other than food shopping. Anything personal or for my ds comes from my money. But due to the massive wage difference he does have more disposable income than me and usually pays for holidays, meals, days out and so on.

I struggle a lot and he has literally sat and totted up his latest credit card statement in front of me and had a go at me for spending what added up to about £50 on a few Amazon purchases on his account (I ordered on his because he has prime and free delivery). Neglecting the fact that he pays double that monthly on things he wants like a wine subscription, car insurance for a fancy second car he never uses and takeaways he wants.

I am so fucking fed up with being skint. Surely marriage is about being a team. How is it going to work when we have a baby that will need stuff when I'm being made to feel awful for spending a tiny amount. I was in tears so frustrated and he didn't care, I've come to bed without eating as I'm so pissed off and he's not bothered. This doesn't feel like a partnership. Overall he is generous but every now and then he will have these moments where I just think wow you are so mean with money and I was actually better off financially alone.

I don't want to feel like im in his debt. But I contribute where I can along with doing housework and shopping and will be raising his fucking child when it's born. Should finances between married couples not be a little fairer?

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 22:30

I have never complained about him having his subscriptions or his fancy car. He works hard for them and I don't begrudge it but what has caused the row tonight is him insinuating that MY spending is the issue.

The day to day workings of the finance stuff has always been this way. Now we are married and have a baby on the way I would like things to be a little more merged and transparent.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 01/10/2021 22:30

I'm talking about. He pays mortgage costs, I pay household bills. Roughly works out quite similar. Well, it shouldn't work out quite similar, not if he earns 3x what you do. He should be contributing 3 times as much. Alternatively, you should both be paying the amount which leaves you both with the same disposable income. Either way, savings would no longer be an unaffordable luxury for you.

SharpLily · 01/10/2021 22:34

Presumably in a long term, committed relationship and certainly in a marriage it should all be 'ours' rather than 'mine' and 'yours'? Surely if it's our house, our television, our kettle, our electricity bill, etc. then the money should also be 'ours'? How can it not?

And by the way, it's great that your son's father does his share but marrying someone with a child and then not treating that child as part of your own family by not sharing in the costs of the pre-existing child is just awful. If you want to be with someone who already has a child then you have to accept taking on that child equally or you don't even go down that road. That's just gross.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 22:36

The day to day workings of the finance stuff has always been this way. Now we are married and have a baby on the way I would like things to be a little more merged and transparent.

He's never going to share a PENNY... He is showing you who he is ..

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 22:50

Quite simply this is not an acceptable way finances should be in a marriage.

What happens when you go on maternity leave? How will you get your hair cut? Buy the baby clothes? Pay for coffees when you meet your antenatal friends? Pay for baby classes? All the things your older child needs.

Frankly this is a shit show and I wouldn’t be marrying anyone who wasn’t willing to arrange finances more equitably let alone having a child with them.

Would you be happy having a far better quality of life than the person you supposedly loved so much? I know I wouldn’t.

DH and I put in varying amounts each month - £3k for him this month and £1.6k from me leaving us both with about £400 each ‘spends’ - I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 22:52

And by the way, it's great that your son's father does his share but marrying someone with a child and then not treating that child as part of your own family by not sharing in the costs of the pre-existing child is just awful. If you want to be with someone who already has a child then you have to accept taking on that child equally or you don't even go down that road. That's just gross.

I agree with this 100% and it’s why I will never form a blended family.

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 22:57

When our situation changes and my pay goes down he will have to accept that I can't carry on paying the bills and he will have to pick some extra up. I know he will do that. He's not a monster and in the past he has paid for all sorts for me and my family. Example when we lost my dad a few years ago dp paid for the family to have a holiday.

He's not a complete bastard but I do feel really let down by his behaviour tonight.

I am a proud person. I pay my way. I managed alone before I met dp and have always been of the thinking that if I want more I have to work more. As it stands I have stayed in a low paid job through my own choice. And for that reason I don't begrudge having a shitter car and less disposable income than him. But for joint living costs I feel like it should be fairer. And I definitely don't think I should be blamed for over spending because of a few Amazon purchases.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 23:01

But all of that is in his control - it’s him making the decisions.

‘No love, I like your hair long’
‘You went for coffee yesterday? Why you going again today?’
‘We only just bought a load of babygros’

Before you know it you’ll have an ‘allowance’ and zero spending power unless you sort this properly now.

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 23:01

@Merryoldgoat that's not really helpful. We are a blended family now. And if it wasn't for dp then my son wouldn't have had a LOT of things or experiences. I take it upon myself to buy the things he needs like school uniform and new shoes and so on. But dp feeds him and pays (again) for the high ticket items like at Christmas and birthdays and holidays. He does contribute but he sometimes doesn't know what exactly ds needs

OP posts:
Orla1970 · 01/10/2021 23:01

I don’t think you necessarily have to pool all your money formally in one account just because you’re married. My husband and I chose not to do this as I would not want to run any spends past him. I like having my own account. When we first got together we earned the same. However, I now earn about double him. We pay all the big housey bills jointly 50/50. Food shops I pay for the big weekly shop and he covers all the top up shopping. I bought our car. I buy more housey stuff than him and pay bigger share of holidays/furniture etc. It’s a very loose arrangement. When we earned the same I spend more than him and often he would ping me over some money if I was running out at the end of the month. There would never be a situation where he was able to save and I was skint.

I’m uncomfortable reading your situation. He behaved like a dick about a poxy 50 quid. I think you should use this incident to formally sort out your finances. You should be paying less than him for household expenses as you earn less. This savings pot that he has told you about needs to be in both your names. I think if he is being like this now you need to protect yourself financially especially for when the baby comes. Suggest a joint account for all household costs with your contribution proportionate not equal. Sorting this out this weekend may help with your anxiety. Sounds like he still thinks he is single and his money is his own x

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 23:02

And it’s not about ‘accepting’ it - he should be willing and happy to.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 23:06

@froggy45

I wasn’t saying it was wrong to - it’s a personal choice. I was the ‘older DS’ in one growing up and it was really awful for some of the reasons in the quoted section.

Whatever decisions we make they should be done with open eyes and realistic expectations.

Whatever the truth is, your posts indicate your partner is petty and tight with money - you need to be aware and deal with it.

Voice0fReason · 01/10/2021 23:10

50/50 is very fair considering there are two of you and one of him.
No, they are a family.

Having your own child does complicate things a little but I cannot comprehend why couples don't pool everything when they have children.
Are your house and his house legally protected as yours and his?
If not, they are both marital assets.

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him and work out a better, fairer way of sorting finances. If he isn't willing to contribute to your existing child, then why are you a family? Obviously, his dad still has responsibility but when you marry someone with a small child, you are making a commitment that must include them.

Bedsheets4knickers · 02/10/2021 01:21

He's prob in a lot of personal debt . You just don't know it yet .

Clymene · 02/10/2021 01:27

You're not really partners are you? You live hand to mouth and he has a wine sub and a vanity second car

Weird

Cocomarine · 02/10/2021 01:44

@Bedsheets4knickers

He's prob in a lot of personal debt . You just don't know it yet .
Uh? Weird leap!
steff13 · 02/10/2021 01:51

Does he pay the mortgage on both houses?

Original poster
froggy45 · 02/10/2021 07:41

@steff13 no his house is paid off. He gets a rental income on that house which pays for the mortgage on mine. That makes it sounds as if he is paying off a house in my name but both houses are marital assets now and if he were living alone he would still be paying roughly that amount in bills so he's not really losing out anywhere.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 02/10/2021 08:57

He saw an opportunity to make you feel small and he took it. That's a big problem in itself.

It's ridiculous that he has all the spare cash, while you struggle.

That's about control, and is a major red flag.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 02/10/2021 09:01

You might be able to pay for bigger stuff I'd you didn't have to pay half the bills etc

Usually the fairest way to pay bills and mortgage is a % portion so you both end up with a fair amount at the end once everything is paid.

He sounds like a knob.

Original poster
froggy45 · 02/10/2021 09:08

We have had a much calmer talk today. He has upped his mortgage payment to include a percentage of the bills too and also put money in a separate account to cover household and food shopping.

We have discussed setting up a more comprehensive joint account when we move house (which is in a the pipeline) as that's when all direct debits will need to be changed.

Thank you all for helping me see I wasn't being unreasonable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/10/2021 09:47

Glad you are a much calmer talk. I would also discuss with him what is going to happen when you are on maternity leave, also about you needing to pay more into a pension especially whilst on maternity and if you plan to reduce hours to look after the baby - this is so important!!!

As a much higher earner than you his pension pot will also be far more than yours, it's an invisible saving in his name IYSWIM.

Future discussions around what is reasonable personal expenditures for you both (not the DC) such as hair cuts, clothes, socialising and so on.

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 11:32

Phew op, good to hear.

vivainsomnia · 02/10/2021 11:38

You need to do what you should have done before marrying and having kids together.

Sit down and work out how both income should be divided. The fairest outcome is for both to have similar disposable income when both agree on the hours the other one is working.

SanFranBear · 02/10/2021 11:50

I'm glad you've talked calmly today but just wanted to point out:

He gets a rental income on that house which pays for the mortgage on mine

So he isn't really paying the mortgage is he - the rent he receives covers it so is in addition to the 3x higher wage. So unless his 3x higher wage includes his rental income, he's basically keeping all his actual wage, other than his slight increase to bills whilst you struggle on. No wonder he is able to save and splash the cash when it's to his benefit.

You sound happier than your previous discussion but it doesn't sound very balanced to me.

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