To be livid with dp

[froggy45]

Dp and I recently married and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

He has been complaining lately about spending too much money bills being too high etc. I rarely spend his money on anything other than food shopping. Anything personal or for my ds comes from my money. But due to the massive wage difference he does have more disposable income than me and usually pays for holidays, meals, days out and so on.

I struggle a lot and he has literally sat and totted up his latest credit card statement in front of me and had a go at me for spending what added up to about £50 on a few Amazon purchases on his account (I ordered on his because he has prime and free delivery). Neglecting the fact that he pays double that monthly on things he wants like a wine subscription, car insurance for a fancy second car he never uses and takeaways he wants.

I am so fucking fed up with being skint. Surely marriage is about being a team. How is it going to work when we have a baby that will need stuff when I'm being made to feel awful for spending a tiny amount. I was in tears so frustrated and he didn't care, I've come to bed without eating as I'm so pissed off and he's not bothered. This doesn't feel like a partnership. Overall he is generous but every now and then he will have these moments where I just think wow you are so mean with money and I was actually better off financially alone.

I don't want to feel like im in his debt. But I contribute where I can along with doing housework and shopping and will be raising his fucking child when it's born. Should finances between married couples not be a little fairer?

Sorry but he sounds very selfish OP. How can someone who claims to love their partner allow them to continue struggling to pay most of the bills, when their income is a third of yours? Like pp just pointed out, he is paying your mortgage from unearned income rental anyway. How can he indulge himself with luxuries and squirrel away savings and at the same time have the bloody cheek to berate you about £50 spent on Amazon? You love and marry someone, it's supposed to be 'all that I have I share with you', how does he not know this?

And whilst you are PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD? I am sorry to say that he sounds like an utter fuckwit, he's a selfish greedy man.

Maybe you can give him a wake up call but, to be honest, I would be concerned about his basic character. I'm sorry.

Keep a close eye on this OP 🌸

Really glad that you had a good chat.

I would suggest that you collectively draw up a very very detailed budget of all costs, including childcare, activities for baby, birthday presents, haircuts, clothes etc. Everything.

Then you can see your total annual costs.

And agree what you can save as a result

He's not a monster

That's really setting the bar way too low.

So instead of joining finances he's given you an allowance account. How very generous of him

In his head @froggy45 it's his money. He begrudges you any of it because it is his and his alone.

The way things have been set up looks lovely until you look at the reality of it (how you are living), and see that he spends money where he feels like it and where it makes him appear generous, thoughtful and kind to prop up his nice guy persona - large ticket presents, family holidays etc, all very visible instances of his "generosity". When the reality is that you are struggling for money whilst in a marriage.

He doesn't consider your financial needs either as an individual or as a part of a team and so you have to come cap in hand whenever you need to buy something necessary or, as you have been doing, try and shoulder the financial weight on your own - again leaving you with nothing.

If he had any consideration for you, respect for your partnership or respect for you as the person he loved enough to marry and have a child with he would be open and transparent with his finances. He would have offered a joint account plus each have individual savings type scenario as suggested by PP.

This is a form of financial abuse and it is so common for this to raise it's ugly head shortly after marriage and pregnancy.

I had this happen to me (minus the DC & pregnancy) and no matter how many times we talked about it, how many times he said he understood my points and I was right, in the end it still was his money and all I had to do was ask if I needed anything. It soon became apparent that he had retroactively dubbed me a gold digger and even though the plan had always been to join finances after the wedding, rewrote history and told me he had never ever planned to keep to that.

What's his was his and what's mine was his. It is all his.

I don't see this getting any better I'm afraid Froggy because it's really shite to find out the nice guy you married is actually a financially abusing twat.

Good to see your sorted I think the majority of the time it's down to never having the conversation about money and resentment on both sides sets in .

@rwalker yes I think you're right. It's easy to get resentful but unless you actually have the discussion things will never change.

I'm happy with the changes we've made. It will leave me roughly £500 a month better off and once we move house we will look at combining everything. I did make sure he knew what a twattish thing it was to calculate the Amazon spends like that and he said he realised that but was doing it because he felt attacked by some of the things I'd said not because he actually thinks I'm a reckless spendaholic.

At the end of the day he will always earn more than me. He works longer hours in a more stressful job and that's fine. He likes to save money for our future and when I reminded him that those savings are all in his name he said we can combine those too so I have access to them. Im married to this man and we have a baby on the way so I think we have to try and work on things and communicate properly rather than throwing in the towel. Thank you all again for your support and advice it definitely helped me articulate myself when I spoke to him.

Just read the thread, good update, otherwise I was about to post that this has all the hallmarks of financial abuse.

Make sure the finances do get combined OP.

What’s the situation going to be with childcare when baby is born?

Remember you will be enabling him to have his higher paid career so don’t feel too ‘proud’ to make sure you have access to all family money.

OP,

Glad things are calmer but watch things very carefully.

Something feels off about it.

Make sure there is follow through with this and don't have another child with him until you are in a better, fairer place than you are now.

I'm the higher earner, everything is pooled, your husband is a knob and if he won't agree to sharing everything then I'd be making arrangements to get out

I don't think its reasonable to hold him responsible for you being 'skint'. If you work and have him paying for extras like holidays for you and your DS, you are probably very comfortable by many standards, and certainly a lot better off financially than you'd be without him.

Oh right so he's happy to pay for the flash stuff like holidays but doesn't think he should pay for basics.

You need to get this sorted out now because if he refuses to support you now it will only get worse once the baby is here.

You need to say finances need splitting based fairy on income. You should be throwing a 1/3 into the bill pot and him 2/3s

I would be thinking carefully about moving house as well in this situation.

My suggestion OP would be to create a spreadsheet detailing exactly what you pay out of your wages (include your DS uniform/shoes etc). And ask your DP to do the same.

You say he has a house also, is he renting that out and gaining income from it?

Once you both have spreadsheets done, compare with each other, let him physically see how skint you are, and how unfair it is you paying 50% of bills.

Then make a new plan where he contributes more to the pot.

[quote froggy45]@rwalker yes I think you're right. It's easy to get resentful but unless you actually have the discussion things will never change.

I'm happy with the changes we've made. It will leave me roughly £500 a month better off and once we move house we will look at combining everything. I did make sure he knew what a twattish thing it was to calculate the Amazon spends like that and he said he realised that but was doing it because he felt attacked by some of the things I'd said not because he actually thinks I'm a reckless spendaholic.

At the end of the day he will always earn more than me. He works longer hours in a more stressful job and that's fine. He likes to save money for our future and when I reminded him that those savings are all in his name he said we can combine those too so I have access to them. Im married to this man and we have a baby on the way so I think we have to try and work on things and communicate properly rather than throwing in the towel. Thank you all again for your support and advice it definitely helped me articulate myself when I spoke to him. [/quote]
Why wait till you move to combine things? Stall tactic after paying lip service to your concerns or is there a reason for this?

Also this stood out for me:

"He said he realised that but was doing it because he felt attacked by some of the things I'd said "

So he lashed out at you in a way he knew was unreasonable because of a perceived attack from you?

Yeah that's major red flag territory in itself. You know that though @froggy45 because you put the face in. That excuse is unacceptable and you know it is.

Honestly I think the more you look at your "D"H, your relationship as a whole, the changes you are seeing now that weren't apparent before you married, how you are emotionally, how you are living (with difficulty and no consideration) and how you have to defend yourself against unnecessary attacks because he feels you need put in your place attacked him first - when you absolutely didn't! - the more I think you will feel unhappy about it all.

@HalzTangz

My suggestion OP would be to create a spreadsheet detailing exactly what you pay out of your wages (include your DS uniform/shoes etc). And ask your DP to do the same.

You say he has a house also, is he renting that out and gaining income from it?

Once you both have spreadsheets done, compare with each other, let him physically see how skint you are, and how unfair it is you paying 50% of bills.

Then make a new plan where he contributes more to the pot.

I'm not picking on you at all @HalzTangz, but I did this and it didn't help at all.

With hindsight I thought to myself why should I have?

Should I/OP not have been able to say DH I'm struggling financially and have the DH suggest looking at how to better balance the financial split and open a joint account etc?

Why did I have to sit him down and itemize everything as though having to validate my necessary spends to end the month with less than £20 while he bought himself expensive toys/gaming equipment etc etc etc. All while I paid the majority of rent/bills etc.

A good husband/wife shares and is proactive in helping their spouse. They are not resistant to making life easier, they don't attack for having the discrepancy pointed out and they offer freely.

They don't put out a set of ever moving goal posts either which was a speciality of my EXH and it seems could be a tactic OP's H employs also - after they move they will join finances. They are married and are having a child.

I had conversations with my EXH in our pre-married life about how we wanted to deal with finances when we got married, what we both wanted lined up with each other but when we did marry he just pretended the conversations didn't happen and then admitted he'd talked a good talk because he wanted me and didn't care what shite he told me to get what he wanted.

Wonder if Froggy's H is the same?

I don't think you should be buying stuff on somebody else's card without telling them even if it is your DH. I don't know the bill paying set up in your house If there are a lot of bills to pay and you are frivolously spending on Amazon then that's a problem. But so is his wine subscription and two cars.

I am not married. DP earns more. His money is my money and he would never question what I spent. This is how it should be.

I think that this myth that his money is my money is a very dangerous one. It really really isn't. It could change at any time. It legally isn't. As many people have found out.

@SummerHouse

I am not married. DP earns more. His money is my money and he would never question what I spent. This is how it should be.

No, if you're not married then it isn't. That's the point of marriage.

They are married, read the OP! It's not a "myth" that marital assets are shared, it's a fact (even if in fact guys like these hide them...)

Oh wait that was the other poster? Sorry, as you were .

@Phineyj

Oh wait that was the other poster? Sorry, as you were .

😂🤣

@WhoIsPepeSilva it's not lip service or a stall tactic. He said we could combine now but it made more sense to wait until all of the direct debits need to be changed when we move (and we will be moving within the next few months so it's not like it's some unspecified date way into the future). In the meantime, the monthly money he pays me has been upped significantly. I could argue that it always should have been this way but I suppose if you don't discuss things then things have a habit of plodding along as they always have.

Agree his behaviour this weekend has been shit. The Amazon argument I'm still angry about. But for now we have reached a resolution that I'm happy with.

When I look at the bigger picture, he does a lot for me and my ds practically and emotionally. I'm not impressed by his behaviour over the weekend but he has apologised and admitted he was an idiot. He knows that when the baby arrives I will be much worse off financially and says that's why he is so eager to save now.

Not much else to add really. Sometimes I guess you just need a big disagreement to make you re evaluate and change your situation.