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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid with dp

128 replies

froggy45 · 01/10/2021 19:40

Dp and I recently married and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

He has been complaining lately about spending too much money bills being too high etc. I rarely spend his money on anything other than food shopping. Anything personal or for my ds comes from my money. But due to the massive wage difference he does have more disposable income than me and usually pays for holidays, meals, days out and so on.

I struggle a lot and he has literally sat and totted up his latest credit card statement in front of me and had a go at me for spending what added up to about £50 on a few Amazon purchases on his account (I ordered on his because he has prime and free delivery). Neglecting the fact that he pays double that monthly on things he wants like a wine subscription, car insurance for a fancy second car he never uses and takeaways he wants.

I am so fucking fed up with being skint. Surely marriage is about being a team. How is it going to work when we have a baby that will need stuff when I'm being made to feel awful for spending a tiny amount. I was in tears so frustrated and he didn't care, I've come to bed without eating as I'm so pissed off and he's not bothered. This doesn't feel like a partnership. Overall he is generous but every now and then he will have these moments where I just think wow you are so mean with money and I was actually better off financially alone.

I don't want to feel like im in his debt. But I contribute where I can along with doing housework and shopping and will be raising his fucking child when it's born. Should finances between married couples not be a little fairer?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/10/2021 21:13

Mean with money, mean with love.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 21:16

Give the baby your Surname

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 21:17

@Looubylou you sound very reasonable and I have always been ok with separate finances for the same sort of reasons. Dp works more hours and is in a far more stressful job so I don't begrudge him having his own money for his own hobbies and so on. What I do begrudge is been made out to be the culprit of over spending. As though I am reckless and irresponsible with money when nothing could be further from the truth. I will never use his Amazon account again after this. I also childishly told him I won't be doing anything for him either, he can do his own food shopping, washing and everything else.

As for my son, I have never really asked dp for anything. He contributes to Christmas and birthday presents but as far as I'm concerned ds is mine and his dads responsibility and his dad does contribute fairly so that's not an issue. I know dp will pay for whatever the baby needs, no question about it. But that money will come from his account on his terms.

We're not speaking and I feel way more stressed than I should do in pregnancy. I'm really angry to be honest.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 21:21

We're not speaking and I feel way more stressed than I should do in pregnancy. I'm really angry to be honest.

and so you should be.. you are pregnant and should not be worrying about shit like this..

try to relax ... have a bath .. try to keep your stress levels down.. take good care of yourself 🌸

Orangejuicemarathoner · 01/10/2021 21:21

I agree you are not being unreasonable - I was on the fence until you clarified that you had permission to use his account to buy yourself something

Willowowisp · 01/10/2021 21:27

I couldn't live like this. Either you're married and share resources or you are separate.

Blackbird2020 · 01/10/2021 21:31

Control, control, control...

That’s why he sat you down and calculated the pounds and pennies in front of you...

Wtf is he playing at acting dad/accountant/teacher... This is not an equal relationship. He seems to think his earnings give him greater power. What an immature man.

Vaginasaurus · 01/10/2021 21:33

We have been married for over 30 years now and have had the same system all of the time. When we first got together, he earned more than me but we pooled all of our money and savings. Both salaries were paid into a joint account. From that we paid a monthly amount into personal accounts for our own spends. The amount could vary up or down over time as we had better jobs, or I went on maternity leave, or he had to retire early. We would talk to each other about large purchases and decide whether they would come from joint money or personal. Either of us could “borrow” money from a joint account for something personal, then pay it back over time.

But the point is that we always each had the same amount of personal spending money. And we have always talked regularly about our finances and spending to ensure that we are both happy. That has always seemed the fairest way of doing things to me!

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 21:35

I've been quite horrible too. I said that I might as well divorce him and get half of his assets and then things would be more equal. I feel very hurt and stressed. If my ds wasn't here I think I would have gone to my mums for the night. It's not just the money debate it's the arguing and stress when I'm pregnant and feeling a bit vulnerable already.

He's usually really good. Helpful, generous. Friends always comment on how well he treats me. But I feel like I've seen a different side of him tonight. I really don't want to be around him. I've got this anxious, angry feeling in my chest that won't go away.

OP posts:
Blackbird2020 · 01/10/2021 21:49

I said that I might as well divorce him and get half of his assets and then things would be more equal

Fair point, to be honest.

Money is so contentious, if you both don’t automatically ascribe to the same ‘principles’.

The problem is that he’s not dealing with his issues respectfully. If his priority is saving, and he thinks you’re spending unnecessarily (which is an extremely common scenario in any partnership) then he should be communicating that to you in a respectful manner.

Not shame-count the bloody pennies in front of you Hmm

Blackbird2020 · 01/10/2021 21:50

Just seen you think he’s ‘generous’ to you... that doesn’t sound good....

I hope you realise how that comes across.

nimbuscloud · 01/10/2021 21:53

Who owns the house?

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 21:55

@nimbuscloud house is mine as he moved in with me but he still owns his house

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 01/10/2021 21:57

That’s good
At least you are not dependent on him to house you.

minatrina · 01/10/2021 22:01

Oh god he sounds awful, I'm sorry OP.

I cannot fathom not having joint finances with your husband/wife. I can't imagine watching my husband struggle, scrimp and save whilst I live a lavish lifestyle, or vice versa

Hankunamatata · 01/10/2021 22:01

I think you need to have an open conversation about money. It's ok to keep separate but person with higher income needs to pay an higher portion of the bills

nimbuscloud · 01/10/2021 22:07

How long are you with him?

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 22:08

Been together 5 years. Married since June.

OP posts:
HouseOfFire · 01/10/2021 22:14

We've always had separate finances but contributed equally to household bills. He earns roughly 3 x more than me.

thats your issue then!

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 22:17

He simply still thinks he’s single!

MegaClutterSlut · 01/10/2021 22:17

Dh has always been the main or higher earner. Me and dh have a joint account and all monies go in there. He has a separate account which he is going to add my name too for savings. There is no mine or his, we share everything. He should definitely be paying a higher percentage of the bills imo

Original poster
froggy45 · 01/10/2021 22:20

The discrepancy in bills was always explained as 'the extra I save from not paying bills will go into a savings pot for when we want to go on holiday/get a new bathroom/pay for the wedding' which initially seemed fair to me. But since we have been in lockdown for a year I'm wondering how much these savings are creeping up while I struggle.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 22:24

He's saving plenty

RandomMess · 01/10/2021 22:24

I would be asking to see all the savings accounts, that it's in joint names - an ISA each and a joint decision on financial priorities seeing as you are now married and having a child. You can make a point that once you start maternity leave you won't have any money to pay towards anything if he isn't going to be open about finances.

How much does this guy earn, he seems to have expensive tastes?

nimbuscloud · 01/10/2021 22:27

Can you have a proper conversation with him? Why has he a wine subscription and a fancy second car while you are struggling?
Was your baby planned?