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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL sending out bday cards ON MY BEHALF!

204 replies

TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:08

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone.
There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family!
AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 01/10/2021 10:11

This would irritate me too. I would send her a polite e mail saying that you send your own cards to family members from you and DD and would like her to stop adding your names to her cards. Don't get in any way emotional about it. Just a polite request and see what happens.

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 01/10/2021 10:11

It’s not normal but she’s presumably not doing it with bad intentions. Maybe that’s what they do in her family.
Just keep sending your own cards, ignore, mention to other family members if there’s an opening to do so.
(Assuming she’s not putting your name to opinions or whatever.)

PhoboPhobia · 01/10/2021 10:12

That is so odd and a bit controlling. It's possible it's something they do in her family but that's being charitable.

I think you should say something - no need to be arsey just 'can you stop putting mine and DDs names on cards you send please. We send our own so there's no need and it looks a bit odd'

Have you mentioned it before and she ignored it?

steppemum · 01/10/2021 10:12

That would really irritate me too.

I guess it is about how much fallout you can be bothered to deal with!

But yes, I would be sending an email and telling her to stop.

BingBongToTheMoon · 01/10/2021 10:12

Absolutely send her an email…..or phone her.
That’s not normal and it’s way overstepping the mark!

Clymene · 01/10/2021 10:14

That's bizarre! Have a word with your brother. Why is she sending cards on your behalf to your own dad?

On the other hand, if she wants to be your PA, ask her to pick up your dry cleaning and buy a couple of kids party gifts for you

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:15

I've never mentioned it to her at all. It is only a name on cards and things - so not controversial stuff, but still, I just do not like it.
I've no idea about her family, but she has 2 siblings and I presume she doesn't add their names to every card and gift she sends her parents, although I don't actually know.

OP posts:
Blackkoala · 01/10/2021 10:17

That’s really weird behaviour! It would annoy me too - it’s like she’s implying that you won’t get these things done if she doesn’t sort them for you.

The rest of your family must see that it’s weird since they also get cards etc from you, so I would be inclined to let it go on the basis that she’s only making herself look bad.

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:17

I think my brother just tries to stay out of things. I think he's personally quite happy to have a pretty young "mummy" looking after him. He won't be involved at all really. She will be sending cards and gifts without him knowing about it, but that's different - they are partners and partners send things together, even if it's strange for me for a child not to be involved at all with this for their own family.

@Clymene - she does want to be my PA in all things but I don't want a PA!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/10/2021 10:18

I don't understand. Do you live with her and your brother or do you live separately?

If you live together and she's in charge of life admin it's reasonable.
If you live separately it's super weird.

I don't know why you'd send an email rather than just having a conversation, though?

fruitbrewhaha · 01/10/2021 10:21

It's so weird.

Perhaps sign her name on a few things, like a skip hire contract, or marketing crap etc

Member984815 · 01/10/2021 10:23

That would really annoy me , my mil did this with a mass card once I'd already gotten one but she probably thought I wouldn't . It's weird for her to do this you are not part of her household could you ask your brother why she is doing this and tell her to stop

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:24

We live separately, and always have done.
I'd prefer to email, just because I find it easier. She talks a lot and I'm not really sure she'd listen or engage. I'm happy to keep it polite, but firm, because you have to be. I'm reassured by these answers - my mother made me feel I was the one being unreasonable, and I just find it undermining, embarrassing, controlling. Her cards are always bigger and more expensive than mine, but mine are fine, normal and more personal, and frankly more to my parents taste. Anyway, I'm not interested in participating in an arms race for bday cards!

OP posts:
Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:25

@fruitbrewhaha

It's so weird.

Perhaps sign her name on a few things, like a skip hire contract, or marketing crap etc

LOL. Very tempting!
OP posts:
GianaSister · 01/10/2021 10:26

The petty part of me would want to buy the shittiest gifts possible and send them from “her”.

bellabasset · 01/10/2021 10:26

Although it's annoying it's harmless, perhaps when it's your db's birthday add her name to your card and return the favour.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 01/10/2021 10:26

Yes, email her and say thanks but please stop, you prefer to do your own cards

If she doesn't then do your own cards anyway and add her name.

Strawbsaturno · 01/10/2021 10:30

Yes tell her… I’d just say hi SIL, ‘please don’t send any more cards ‘from DD & I, I send my own so there’s no need’.’
If she kicks off tell her it’s weird AF and to just stop!

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:32

@GianaSister

The petty part of me would want to buy the shittiest gifts possible and send them from “her”.
Love it. But I'd want to do it to her family not my own.
OP posts:
Needthesun · 01/10/2021 10:37

That is bizarre behaviour in the extreme.

I would see that as a patronising gesture where she doesn’t see your household as a ‘proper’ family in its own right.

It’s almost like when I moved out of home to go to uni and for a couple of years when I was settling into being a proper adult, my mum would still sign my name on cards to wider family. Until I gently told her that I was a household in my own right and could take care of it.

That would infuriate me too OP, I admire your restraint up to now!

StCharlotte · 01/10/2021 10:38

Instead of telling her, ask her why she does it? That way she'll have to engage. Keep it light hearted if you must Smile

drpaddington · 01/10/2021 10:43

MIL does this. We'll get a message from someone thanking us for their card and gift... that we know nothing about! It's odd!

diddl · 01/10/2021 10:44

Asking her seems a good idea.

Did you cross your names out of the card that she sent to your Dad?

Well, it sounds as if she does it because she can & no one challenges her.

I guess your Mum would be Ok if it started being done on her behalf as well?

She's trying to take ownership, not just be part of the family!

smittenkittennn · 01/10/2021 10:45

If you don't want to rock the boat could simply send the email saying you'd noticed she's signed your name but in future no need to do so as you personally send cards. Could even say something along the lines of thanks for thinking of us but no need.

And to be clear it's batshit she's doing this - but in case you want to keep it non-confrontational.....

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 10:49

What a weird thing to do!

Of course you should mention it- I would.

Hello SIL, I noticed your signed your card to my dad with mine & DC’s names on it. But I always buy my own cards, so there’s absolutely no need for you to do that. I thought I’d tell you in case you thought it was helpful - in future please assume I’ll write my own cards to my family. Thanks!