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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL sending out bday cards ON MY BEHALF!

204 replies

TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:08

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone.
There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family!
AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.

OP posts:
AgathaAllAlong · 01/10/2021 11:12

Super weird. My sister used to send me "reminders" before family birthday. Bizzare as
I have never forgotten any. I started challenging her with faux quizzical 'yeah I know?' but eventually had to just tell her to stop. When challenged she claimed its because I often forget. She's almost 30 and still signs all cards to me, DP and children as well as wider family from parents instead of sending her own which I find weird.

Ozanj · 01/10/2021 11:12

Lol I have a sibling who wants me to add his name to cards & contribute to presents we send as I have better taste than the other siblings. So everything for my family is from me, Mr Ozanj, my DS and DB. Grin

angelpoise · 01/10/2021 11:12

Just tell her not to

InFiveMins · 01/10/2021 11:16

Wouldn't bother me. She doesn't appear to be doing it to be malicious so what's the problem? Really wouldn't want to create a drama in the family over the fact she puts mine and/or my child's name in a card. Leave her to it and continue sending your own.

Somethingsnappy · 01/10/2021 11:17

That's so peculiar! I've never heard of that being done before. Presumably she does it with good intentions though. So you could just say/write something like... 'it's very kind of you to add my name to presents and cards etc that you've bought, but just to let you know there is no need as I always send my own.

Harlequin1088 · 01/10/2021 11:18

My brother is 2 years younger than me and was shit when it came to family birthdays so I always bought a separate present and card and put his name on them so that it looked like he'd made the effort. I did this right up until our mid-20's when I eventually realised I was just enabling his shitness and he never uttered a word of thanks for it.

If you were like my brother, I could understand your sister-in-law maybe trying to be a peacekeeper and just putting your name on cards as she couldn't bear the thought of a beloved family member being disappointed that you hadn't made the effort on their special day.

Since you're not like that and have been sending cards/presents on time for years then your sister-in-law is absolutely stepping over the line. Does she not trust you to adult properly or something?? I'd send her a polite but curt e-mail explaining you do not appreciate her adding your name to cards/presents as you feel it undermines the card/present that you yourself went to the effort to thoughtfully choose and wrap for the recipient.

She's bang out of order.

neverornow · 01/10/2021 11:19

While I'm sure she doesn't mean to, it does insinuate that you are likely to forget birthdays/ occasions etc.

This would annoy the crap out of me!

AgathaAllAlong · 01/10/2021 11:20

Ok the card from your DD is insane. Agree with the post upthread (if you are not with DD's dad) that she's trying to fill that role but it would infuriate me. Your relationship with your little DD is nothing to do with her!

HarlanPepper · 01/10/2021 11:21

@InFiveMins

Wouldn't bother me. She doesn't appear to be doing it to be malicious so what's the problem? Really wouldn't want to create a drama in the family over the fact she puts mine and/or my child's name in a card. Leave her to it and continue sending your own.
It might not bother you, but it does bother the OP. Sending a polite email asking her to stop is hardly 'creating a drama'. It's just setting a boundary.
Notaroadrunner · 01/10/2021 11:23

It would bother me and it's such a weird thing to do, even if you didn't send your own cards. She has no authority to send cards on your behalf and you should definitely tell her.

Spindrifting · 01/10/2021 11:24

@fruitbrewhaha

It's so weird.

Perhaps sign her name on a few things, like a skip hire contract, or marketing crap etc

That’s a lovely idea. If she asks why, look puzzled and say, ‘Oh, I thought we were just writing one another’s names on stuff and you’d cornered the birthday side of things, so I thought I’d do skip hire and junk mail!’
TarpaulinEyes · 01/10/2021 11:24

Please tell us you haven't got pets and the girlfriend is sending cards and presents from them too. My pets (Mum) used to do my Christmas stocking when I lived at home. I didn't mind and reciprocated.

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 11:25

Okay, I am going to send an email. Relieved the consensus is that this is out of order, and it defo won't stop unless I say something, although may not any way :)
Will be keeping it polite and light though. Just really concerned she's not going to "get" it. Her intentions are good, albeit in her own strange way.

OP posts:
EstuaryBird · 01/10/2021 11:26

I’d just ask a straight ‘Why did you put my & DD’s name on your card to my father?’.
Actually I would have asked her the first time she did it because I would really have wanted to know whatever weird reasoning she had for doing that.
What she is doing is giving everyone the impression that she is the reliable one and you are not, she puts your names on ‘just in case’ you forget.
She’s not innocent, she’s bloody sly. Tell her not to do it again.

HyacynthBucket · 01/10/2021 11:37

Wow. This is not just weird and controlling, its dishonest too. I would be raging about the card "from" your baby, as well as taking liberties with your name on cards to other people. Don't keep it too light. Say you don't like her using your name and tell her to stop doing it. You will send your own cards and gifts, thanks very much. Good luck OP. She has a serious issue with controlling behaviour and lack of boundaries.

Brefugee · 01/10/2021 11:38

(She also sends me mothers day card "from" my baby DD, which I find irritating.)

I would send it right back. and a choice mouthful

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 11:40

@HyacynthBucket
She a serious issue with controlling behaviour and lack of boundaries. I really agree with this, but my wider family just want to keep the peace and take the view that she is good for my brother. Frankly I think she mummies him and it's embarrassing for both of them, but that's another matter.
I am a single parent (sperm donor), so no Dad to do the cards "from" my DD, but I still find it weird and OTT and just not my cup of tea at all. If she thought about ME, she would realise this is not my thing.

OP posts:
EllaBob · 01/10/2021 11:41

Send the email. Sign it off with her name as well as yours.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 01/10/2021 11:46

It's very odd but it only reflects on her. Your parents know you buy them cards and gifts yourself. They know she's randomly adding your name.

I actually think the mother's day card is quite sweet. I know my DSIS did that for my other DSIS when she was a single parent.

RestingPandaFace · 01/10/2021 11:47

@EllaBob

Send the email. Sign it off with her name as well as yours.
Grin
PjsOn · 01/10/2021 11:51

I understand why this irritates you. My sil did something similar, I was with my husband for years before we married. She'd send a card/presents to their parents or other main family members and sign it from her, my husband and their other brother (this is in their 20s and 30s not as kids). She'd also want a contribution to the present. I said to my husband it was silly as we bought them a gift from us so he was buying twice and I'm not entirely sure why. I thought once we were married she'd get the message, but no she was still trying to do this and asking for money when we were married with a child! My husband eventually said he buys a gift with his family so doesn't need to contribute. Even more bizarre if she sends a Christmas card she sends us separate cards. We've been together 17 years 🤣, I just don't know if she doesn't understand you don't send individual cards to a couple (unless it's work and even then you write and family!) Or if she's trying to make a point. She's always been an odd ball anyway 😆.

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 11:53

@PjsOn
You are a lot more tolerant than me. I just really don't want this going on for 17 years!!!!

OP posts:
DinoWoman · 01/10/2021 11:56

If I was going to be petty, then I'd sign off every birthday/Christmas card to your brother as from her too.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 11:56

That's so rude when it's your own family too. I'd definitely say something to her as well. It's a bit patronising actually, like because you're a single mother you can't do these things by yourself. What did you say in the email?

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 11:56

@DinoWoman

If I was going to be petty, then I'd sign off every birthday/Christmas card to your brother as from her too.
bahahaha brilliant