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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL sending out bday cards ON MY BEHALF!

204 replies

TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:08

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone.
There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family!
AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.

OP posts:
Noname1999 · 01/10/2021 13:37

It's perfectly ok to set a boundary by saying I know you mean well, but I need you to stop doing X. If they truly mean well they won't want to annoy you/hurt your feelings.

mickeysminnie · 01/10/2021 13:49

Start sending your brother cards from you, your dd, her and her siblings.

Pl242 · 01/10/2021 13:50

Let us know how she responds OP! Like my (sort of) ex SIL that I mentioned in my last post, it sounds like she’s trying too hard to fit in. Like my ex SIL, sounds like it’s coming from a well intentioned place (in my case the SIL’s own family was far less stable than my ex’s so think she wanted “in” and to cement her place in the family and the associated security) but even so, her actions don’t sit right with you and you’re allowed to politely state your own boundaries. Ime, people who act like this way may be well intentioned but lack empathy. That has to be offset by restating your own boundaries when needed.

girlywhirly · 01/10/2021 13:50

Ah, so she’s buying the family approval. It may have been expected in her family to spend a lot. Regarding the baby things, there might be a bit of envy? Is she likely to have a baby in the future? Could you hold on to the rocker and the baby clothes you don’t like until they are outgrown and sell on, or keep if she is hoping to get pregnant and hand them to her when she is? That’s the one benefit of babies growing out of clothes so quickly and items of equipment.

FinallyHere · 01/10/2021 14:07

Kill her with kindness. She is looking for reassurance that she is 'liked'.

Start every sentence with how wonderful she is. Thank her profusely and then give her the rocker back with a heap of pink frilly things that DD has grown out of.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/10/2021 14:12

@HarlanPepper

On this thread we can make up stories all day about why she might be doing this, but that doesn't matter really - what matters is that you don't like it and you want her to stop, so you are absolutely right to send her an email asking her to stop.
This! Completely this!
billy1966 · 01/10/2021 14:13

She's completely overstepping.

I would send her a short sharp email telling her to desist.

You do NOT need HER sending cards to YOUR parents from you.

She needs to be told to butt out of YOUR relationship with your parents.

Very cheeky, rude and controlling.

beautifullymad · 01/10/2021 14:17

It will be a learnt behaviour.

My mother does this. Recently my cousin married and she said she'd sent a card and money from us all. I thanked her then said I had sent a card with money too (as I'm mid 50's and not a child).

It's just what some people do, they see it as peace making and including everyone. There is no malice only a wish for everyone to feel included.

MakingM · 01/10/2021 14:22

Extreme extroverts can be very annoying, but look at it this way - you’ll never get it in the neck for forgetting a family birthday. I could cope with that kind of extreme extrovert tbh 😂

Seriously, your family clearly knows it’s not you and to expect your anyway so I’d leave her to it. Extreme extroverts often do these things to feel needed and important.

StormyCornishSeas · 01/10/2021 14:24

Yanbu op

I'd be going batshit at this nonsense, like I'm getting tense just reading this thread. I spend a lot of time and consideration when picking birthday cards. And so to be included on a card in this way would annoy me no end as I'd have already spent time getting the card

Cerebelle · 01/10/2021 14:34

She is a weirdo but hopefully a nice one who won't get too offended.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/10/2021 14:41

Just wondering - have you been on holiday yet with her? Has she asked to hold onto your passports or boarding cards? If not, that might be on the cards in the future.

2bazookas · 01/10/2021 14:42

JUST TELL HER NOT TO DO THAT

is that really so hard?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/10/2021 14:44

This is crazy! I can only think of one reason to do this and that be if you and SIL had bought a joint present for your PILs and she wanted to let them know exactly who had bought it by adding all names to card.

I hope she sense now.

LeaveYourHatOn · 01/10/2021 14:55

I actually can't think of any situation where a SIL is signing a card on my behalf - all those saying DMs or MILs do it I can sort of understand a bit, as it is extending the parental thing and although it should stop when you're adults, you can see where it's coming from.
Someone who is younger than you and not a blood relative signing cards to your own parents on your behalf is just fucking weird.

StaplesCorner · 01/10/2021 15:12

I found out my SiL (so the wife of my H's brother) had set up her own wedding admin desk when we got married; unbeknown to me she was taking queries from family members about who was attending each bit and the meal etc., gathering up RSVPs by phone. She explained it as people needing an explanation as to why H was marrying me, some of H's family actually rang her and said do you know who Miss Staples and Mr Corner are? At the wedding reception during the speeches she went round the room presenting bouquets to people she thought should get one.

I'm not sure I can explain how fucking weird it was. We've been NC for 20 years and I have to say its worked splendidly for both of us. So yes OP I think I understand your pain and have seen this shit in action!

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 15:16

@StaplesCorner

I found out my SiL (so the wife of my H's brother) had set up her own wedding admin desk when we got married; unbeknown to me she was taking queries from family members about who was attending each bit and the meal etc., gathering up RSVPs by phone. She explained it as people needing an explanation as to why H was marrying me, some of H's family actually rang her and said do you know who Miss Staples and Mr Corner are? At the wedding reception during the speeches she went round the room presenting bouquets to people she thought should get one.

I'm not sure I can explain how fucking weird it was. We've been NC for 20 years and I have to say its worked splendidly for both of us. So yes OP I think I understand your pain and have seen this shit in action!

What a weirdo :/
wizzywig · 01/10/2021 15:18

See if she wants to take care of your house cleaning too? Paying for your weekly shop?

wizzywig · 01/10/2021 15:19

Do you think she writes birthday cards to herself? And from you too?

Changechangychange · 01/10/2021 15:22

Someone who is younger than you and not a blood relative signing cards to your own parents on your behalf is just fucking weird

And her children! SIL is sending stuff pretending to be from her children! 🤯

sadie9 · 01/10/2021 15:27

It's very controlling isn't it? It's like she's making certain she is being seen as part of the family by including herself amongst other family members.
I'd wonder about her own family. I wonder has she issues relating to her own family of origin. She's then 'adopting' your family and try to make their dream of the ideal family come true. She copperfastens her place by buying people's approval.
At the heart of it is a person who is afraid to take the risk of just being liked for herself. That's usually at the heart of this controlling stuff.

1forAll74 · 01/10/2021 15:32

That's the way she is, as your Mum says, so I would just leave it, and keep calm, and carry on.. These less important issues, are not worth bothering with.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 15:36

@1forAll74

That's the way she is, as your Mum says, so I would just leave it, and keep calm, and carry on.. These less important issues, are not worth bothering with.
It may be "just the way she is" but she's involving the OP where she doesn't want to be involved so I would tell her to stop if I were her
LaetitiaASD · 01/10/2021 15:44

@TataMamma

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone. There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family! AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.
You should add her name to things that you are signing - maybe some sort of credit agreement. Maybe she's get the point if she ends up paying for your new car.
LaetitiaASD · 01/10/2021 15:45

Actually, in all seriousness, do you know anyone that she knows that she's fallen out with? If so send them an apology card from your SiL.