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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL sending out bday cards ON MY BEHALF!

204 replies

TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:08

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone.
There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family!
AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 01/10/2021 10:49

That's bizarre. Tell her to fucking stop!

Prettybubblesintheair · 01/10/2021 10:50

This is just so weird! Why would she take it upon herself to do that?! It’s so strange?! Definitely email her and be very firm. This would really piss me off!

Summerrain123 · 01/10/2021 10:51

Definitely weird. I would really want to know why so would say "SIL, I'm curious, why do you add our names to cards and presents when we send our own?" And see what bonkers reason she comes up with. If she brushes it off, tell her directly that you want her to stop and back up with an email.

Changechangychange · 01/10/2021 10:52

Start writing her name in your cards to your brother. And her parents’ names, if you can remember them. She should get the message.

Etinox · 01/10/2021 10:52

Extremely bizarre. However it doesn’t reflect on you one iota, so I’d ignore.

Loudestcat14 · 01/10/2021 10:52

How weird of her. Does she assume you are some kind of cretin that won't remember her own parents' birthdays? Definitely send the email!

"Dear xxx

At Mum and Dad's house this weekend I noticed you've signed mine and DD's name on yours and DB's birthday card to Dad. I always buy and send cards from the two of us, so I'm not sure why you keep doing this, I find it a bit baffling. I'd appreciate if going forward you just sign your names and let me send mine.

Thanks!

xxx"

Changechangychange · 01/10/2021 10:53

Start giving DBro gifts “from SIL” too. Make sure you drop them round long before his actual birthday so he gets your gift “from her” long before he gets his actual gift from her.

FreeBritnee · 01/10/2021 10:53

Why and when did she start doing this? Was there an occasion you forgot and she did it the one time as a favour and has just continued? Do you think she’s doing it because she things you’re disorganised and forgetful or is she doing it to be inclusive and with family in her heart.

I’m trying to work out if it’s in good or bad faith.

MysteriousMonkey · 01/10/2021 10:54

Its really weird...but I'd be tempted to email her a list of all the birthdays I sent cards for and suggest she do them all!

Seeingadistance · 01/10/2021 10:55

I agree with others that you ask her why she does this bizarre thing.

Then come back and tell us what she says.

DameMaureen · 01/10/2021 10:56

This is just weird . Definitely tell her you want to send and sign your own cards and gifts .

Brefugee · 01/10/2021 10:56

god this would drive me up the wall. Although I personally don't mind standing in front of people like this and saying over and over and over and over until they agree, just to get me away from them "stop doing this it is not what i want and it's batshit to think i can't send a card to my own father"

And then follow up by email. And a letter. And a card signed by all her family by me. Every week until it stops.

FinallyHere · 01/10/2021 10:57

I'd rise above it.

Since you send your own cards, no one could possibly imagine that you had authorised her to include your name, so there can be no misunderstanding from the people who receive the cards.

I agree it is beyond irritating but I would not give her any satisfaction of thinking it had got to you.

If the right moment ever arose, I might ask her as general dinner table conversation why she did it but not pick up on anything she said in reply.

It's not normal, it's hardly even sane so I would rise above it. And have a giggle about the insaneness with close family.

supermoonrising · 01/10/2021 10:57

Sure she’s not doing it at the request of your brother? Some kind of miscommunication. Perhaps he asked her to do it once and she thought he meant do it every time.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/10/2021 10:58

Is she for real?!

Yes. An email with a picture of the card attached.

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 10:59

@FreeBritnee
She's been doing it for ages. I've never forgotten anything, although I think it started with mothers day, which I boycott (and fathers day too). My brother never bothered with either of those either, but his gf thinks they are important and started taking over them. (She also sends me mothers day card "from" my baby DD, which I find irritating.) However, I do mark actual family events of all kinds, and have never forgotten anyone or sent a rubbish gift or anything like that.
Although it pains me to say it, I do think her intentions are good in her sort of not really thinking of other people's feelings (ie mine) sort of way. I don't really know "why" she does it - to me it's just something you don't do, and that's that. I can't imagine doing that for someone else that didn't live with me!

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 01/10/2021 11:00

A mil doing it is weird but at least you can see that they might have just carried on doing something they did in the past. But this is very strange indeed. I'm not sure I could be bothered confronting it as the risk is you come off looking unreasonable because it's not harming anyone. I might ask her why she does it if the opportunity arose.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2021 11:02

It is weird. If contacting her wouldn’t /doesn’t work, you could play with it? Valentine’s Day cards from her to your brother. Birthday cards to her from you all, your brother and her etc.

Dear Jean

Have a lovely birthday

Love from (our family), (parents), (brother), (her parents for good measure) and Jean.

The Dear Jean, Happy birthday, Love from Jean is funny but may be lost on her.

Bergamotte · 01/10/2021 11:02

That is such weird thing to do! It sounds like she doesn't sign your mum's name to the cards? (Or sign your dad's name on cards to your mum).

I would just ask her why she does it. Don't point out how weird and inappropriate it us in your first message- that shouldn't need saying and will just distract her from the question.

And if she doesn't stop, do what other people said and send early birthday / Christmas cards to your brother and her parents, signed from her and any members of her family you can find the names of. (Christmas cards to her parents might be easiest, unless you know their birthdays, as then you only need to find out their address).

BarefootHippieChick · 01/10/2021 11:03

She sends you mothers day cards from your own child?!! It sounds like she's trying to take the place of a partner/your dds dad (assuming from your first post you don't live with a partner, apologies if I'm wrong). In a way that's kind of sweet but still weird as fuck.

Tlollj · 01/10/2021 11:03

Tell her to stop doing it the fucking loon.

Original poster
TataMamma · 01/10/2021 11:04

@FinallyHere The problem is my mother told me I should stop getting irritated, so that's not happening. (Although certainly this is not normal in my family at all.) I think the reality is they have had firm conversations with her about things that do matter, and just want to let this pass, which I have some sympathy with.
@supermoonrising Defo not under orders from my brother. Prior to her being involved we send separate cards and neither of us forgot. Very occasionally (normally for a very special birthday) we'd join forces for an expensive gift, but always agreeing and going Dutch. I expect she started doing it without him even knowing, although he must have seen cards and things at my parents house and picked up on it, but would probably want to avoid making any issue of it. He'll be happy for her to do his "admin" and won't really think of it from my pov.

OP posts:
Potpourri23 · 01/10/2021 11:07

I would ask WHY she's doing it. Just see what she says. It sounds like she has good intentions but had a serious issue with boundaries!

Changechangychange · 01/10/2021 11:10

She also sends me mothers day card "from" my baby DD, which I find irritating

Ok, she is fucking insane. I would phone her up and shout at her over that I’m afraid. Massive overstep.

HarlanPepper · 01/10/2021 11:10

On this thread we can make up stories all day about why she might be doing this, but that doesn't matter really - what matters is that you don't like it and you want her to stop, so you are absolutely right to send her an email asking her to stop.