SIL sending out bday cards ON MY BEHALF!

[TataMamma]

I find my brothers long term live in girlfriend hard to handle. She's 10 years younger than me, very extroverted and seems to take control of everything, when I basically want to be left alone.
There's been something that is really irritating me though. When she sends out cards or gifts to family members, she signs them with my and my DDs name on as well as hers and my brothers. This has been irritating me for a while. I'm currently visiting my parents and it was my Dads bday last week. There was a bday card from her, with my name and my DDs name on too. Obviously I sent a card to my Dad from me and my DD, and I've visited this weekend with a present. Last night I said that I was really irritated by the way SIL does this and my mother just replied that that was how she was, and I should just be less irritated. That made it worse, and basically I want to send SIL a sharp email telling her this is not normal or acceptable and she should stop. (There's no point talking to her - she doesn't listen.) Just to be clear, I do not have any sort of reputation for ignoring/forgetting bdays and other events in my family!
AIBU to get so irritated by this? Should I send that email? It's been going on for some time, and I know it will continue if and until I make things very clear to her.

Send the email AND cc everyone in the family into it.

I'm pretty laid back but that would really piss me off .

She's rude imo

She's clearly trying to be a full and strong member of the family. I'd text, email and tell her verbally to stop this shit.

It really isn’t necessary for her to “get it”. You’re asking her to stop because you don’t want her to do it. Why she does it and why you don’t want her to doesn’t really come into it. She really can’t do something on someone else behalf because she thinks it’s a nice thing for her to do. It is a boundary issue in my opinion and likely part of a wider boundary issue. I really wouldn’t ask why or explain why you don’t want her to. Definite don’t thank her for doing something you don’t like! Just say, please don’t send cards to other people from me or my daughter and please don’t send cards to me from other people like my daughter. If she asks why they simply say because you don’t want her to.
My husband and I were both brought up to think it wasn’t ok for us to have boundaries that other people didn’t like but (with some counselling support!) we’ve realised it is definitely ok, essential for our wellbeing and other people cope just fine with it! Family protested of course and fell into two camps: protested but then accommodated and in fact we have a better relationship now than we did, others didn’t like it and couldn’t accept it. Unsurprisingly that has not improved our relationship - and that means medium chill works well - friendly, light, superficial relationship.

She's rude and it would piss me off but I really don't understand why you didn't just tell her to stop straightaway - perhaps not the first time as it could have been an oversight or something but certainly the second time it happened.

Hi, SIL, I noticed you've signed birthday cards with mine and DD's name a couple of times. Please don't do this again as I send my own cards.

So yes, send the e-mail. And to be honest, I'd send an e-mail every single time she does it if she doesn't stop immediately. It is really irritating her doing that, so I'd irritate her back by sending cease and desist emails every.single.time.

This is beyond weird, but what you added about her sending a card to you "from" you DD would have tipped me over - how ON EARTH is it her place to do that?? That is just so so SO bizarre.
Will you please let us know what she responds, OP?

That would annoy me too but speaking from experience I'd do a bit of picking my battles and maybe just let it ride. She's the one that looks odd and your family think so too by the sounds of it.

Yanbu well done for sending email

OP, what sort of other things has your mother had to have words about with SIL? If it’s a pattern of her trampling over boundaries, I think that despite her seeming to be very extrovert, there are insecurities there because she is marking her territory/trying to firm up her position in the family by taking card signing out of your hands. Your DB is no help, but some men love it when they can dump stuff that they have no interest in doing on someone else.

You said in your first post that you’d have to email or message because she doesn’t listen. Also in another post that she talks a lot, quite egocentric isn’t she? I think you are well within your rights to ask her firmly to stop with the card signing. But remind yourself that she is quite insecure, because secure people don’t behave this way.

TBH I'm with your mother, I'm the sort that wouldn't get het up over things like this.

I have a relative who would put mine and DH name on cards before we were married. After we were married she would ring to remind me about every birthday etc as 'I didn't think you'd remember. ' She has a lot of form for trying to treat adults like children to make herself feel needed.

It's patronising and controlling and it oversteps your boundaries. Your mother took her side because she cares more about everyone being friends than she does about your feelings.
It isn't harmless. She's hurting your feelings and your feelings are just as important as hers.
Don't give in to it or it'll get worse. Point out how ridiculous it is but laughing so you don't get accused of spoiling the atmosphere of family gatherings. Ring and ask her why every time, ignore any nonsense and just insist she tells you why.

That’s totally weird! I completely understand other people’s advice to ask why she does it. I mean. I’m curious and don’t know her! But I doubt any explanation would provide any logical response to you so I’d just say please don’t do this. You don’t like it, there’s no need for it. End of. If she kicks off, just keep calm and reiterate your point.

I can see why your DM might not want you to make an issue of it if there are bigger issues at play for your parents. A former SIL figure in my life (no marriages but we were both long term partners to two brothers) was way too much. She once rearranged my ex’s parents’ furniture one day when they were out at work without their permission. Totally nuts and overstepping. I could tell they didn’t like it but didn’t know how to respond. But that said this is your issue, not theirs. So you should just ask her to stop doing this, IMO. Good luck!

What did your email say?

This would enrage me out of all proportion to the actual harm and I’d end up sending something frothing with vitriol. Would also be tempted to Tippex your name off any cards you find with it on.

That's really weird.

I'd send a very simple, polite but firm email. No questions, no room for interpretation. Just 'I've noticed you've been doing this, I don't want you to do this, please stop.'

[quote TataMamma]@HyacynthBucket
She a serious issue with controlling behaviour and lack of boundaries. I really agree with this, but my wider family just want to keep the peace and take the view that she is good for my brother. Frankly I think she mummies him and it's embarrassing for both of them, but that's another matter.
I am a single parent (sperm donor), so no Dad to do the cards "from" my DD, but I still find it weird and OTT and just not my cup of tea at all. If she thought about ME, she would realise this is not my thing.[/quote]
Ah okay I think we have an explanation then. She’s stepping in in lieu of your brother.

She’s seeing herself and your brother as one and as you don’t have a husband or partner she’s decided she needs to oversee proceedings. So for Mother’s Day she’s decided your brother (her) should step up and send you a card as otherwise you won’t receive one. For your Dads birthday she’s tagged your name on too because she’s now acting like she’s got a wing over your shoulder and you need the help to organise thins stuff. I’m not sure what you go for a living but I suspect she might have an organisational job? I think there might be a tiny bit of pity from her for your situation and she thinks she’s doing you a favour - obviously your email is soon to tell her different 🤭

This is so so weird.

So weird.

DHs family do very specific lists for birthdays/Christmas (I’ve weaned DH off this for the most part). One year SIL bought all the items on her husbands (dh brother) list and basically invoiced us.

I nipped that shit in the bud pretty quick.

It is odd to do this, but would also be odd to email about it!

Mention it to your DB if it’s bothering you a lot. I’d laugh about it and say you find it funny she thinks this is what people do. Often when people realise they’ve misjudged something and it’s not the norm and others find their actions amusing, then they stop.

If it carries on, I’d try to avoid being stressed by it. Life’s too short.
If you have the kind of relationship where you can laugh at each other (ie pleasant) and say ‘oh and here’s another card SiL has sent and signed from all of us, even though we didn’t know anything about it and sent our own’ and laugh…then do. If it will cause unpleasantness or you are always picking at little things with each other, just leave it.

You can have the private satisfaction of knowing she’s doing something odd and it’s not normal. Let that be enough for you.

I honestly can't see what the big deal is, I couldn't get wound up by something as trivial as this.

Don’t fall out about it. Just ask her nicely why she adds you and your DD to her cards. See what she says. And then ask her not to, as you’ve got it covered!

Yes definitely send the email. Frankly, if she were sending me cards for Mother's Day pretending to be from my dd, I'd betelling her that I'll be bringing up dd my way thank you. It would make me angry as I too always boycotted Mother's Day (as did my mum, and hers before her.....) so I'd be thoroughly pissed off if someone circumvented that.

I had to give up in the face of school though though when dd got older she realised I didn't want masses of effort or money spent and really didn't mind if she forgot. Her dad on Father's Day, on the other hand....

Okay just sent the email. Took me a long time to write although it is short. I kept it polite and light, but did ask her to stop sending things out from me and DD as I do do this myself. TBH I think she'll be sweet and apologetic in response, but just concerned she may continue doing it, perhaps not immediately, but she'll look for an excuse and do it now and again. I emphasised it being weird and unnecessary rather than belittling and offensive, and just hope it stops.

In terms of the other issues, the two I am aware of are her buying my parents absolutely huge/expensive Xmas presents. My family are more in for more modest presents. We have the money for big ones, but people don't massively want others buying expensive gifts for them, or to do it themselves. I don't know all the details, but I know the first Xmas she spent with them she went way OTT and they dropped lots of hints and said things but kept it low key. The following year she did the same, and they spoke to her firmly about it. Since then things have calmed down.

The other one is me. When my DD was born and for months afterwards she was constantly buying masses of things. I didn't need or ask for any of them. She bought so many clothes, and most of them have never been worn or hardly at all, a mixture of my not needing them and them really not being my taste. (She's all frilly pink dresses.) She also bought a very big baby rocker that takes up a huge amount of space. I actually had a small one anyway, although my DD just hated rockers, and I don't really know what to do with the one she got, even though I don't want it at all. She is just constantly spending masses of money. There are lots of other examples of her just spending lots and lots. I think it is partly because I am a single mother and she (so long as my brother is included - he's a very high earner) has a lot more money, but we do have enough, and most people would probably see me as fairly privileged. I do find it patronising and a sort of judgment on my lifestyle and choices, but I can support my DD to a very high standard of living, which I am obviously doing.

Ultimately I do think her motives are sort of kind. She is basically trying too hard to fit in with my family, although they have welcomed her very openly, and would defo prefer it if she tried less hard and relaxed a bit.

As you said, she’s probably trying to fit in with your family albeit in a clumsy way. I wonder how she’s going to react to the email you sent her….

Tell her quick before it escalates. MIL started with this which I thought was harmless. Then she started sending thank you cards in my behalf. I didn't fond out for a couple of years. Always quicker than i can old get them out. (two kids own business is busy) so it looks like mine were an after thought. Pro e must have thought I was so rude.