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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 01/10/2021 12:57

I can see why he is an "Ex".

26 nights a year = 7.1% of her time. I'd give him 7.1% of the say on anything. It is an empty threat. If he can't be bothered to be with her more than that, he's not going to put himself to the bother of involving a solicitor. He is just trying to control you as you are now out of his control, having got away. As you are used to his behaviour, he probably knows how to get you to listen to him and how to get to you. Please try to reduce contact with him to only important things concerning your DD and ignore and don't respond to rubbish like this. If he mentions it again, say you disregarded it as it is irrelevant as you won't be doing it or you just thought it was yet another silly attempt to control things he does not have a say over. He can't make you do what he wants, he is relying on your "pre-conditioning" from your time with him to convince you go along with it. You don't have to do this. "Don't be silly" is a good response to any other such unreasonable requests. You don't have to listen to them or give them headspace.

Jux · 01/10/2021 13:00

Sounds to me like you've got the balance right.

It is mean that I hope he does try to go to Court over Brownies? 😂😂😂

CantGetDecentNickname · 01/10/2021 13:01

How about "don't be silly, you cannot dictate what I spend my money on. Who do you think I am? You wife?"

TheSoapyFrog · 01/10/2021 13:05

What a tool. Encourage him to take you to court, the judge would think him an idiot, if it even got that far. Ignore him and let your daughter carry on as she is.

Martyitsyourkids · 01/10/2021 13:12

What a selfish divvy! No court would take him seriously. Don't fret about it. Carry on with brownies x

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 01/10/2021 13:13

If he wants her to do everything as he wants I suggest he steps up to 13 nights out of 14 not .

underneaththeash · 01/10/2021 13:13

As a HCP, I know, there is no way that a consultant would be that specific. Activities vary in time, duration, how strenuous they are etc. Children get older and they have more stamina.

You could at least try it and see and then if it doesn't work (or she doesn't like dance/gymnastics) drop it.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 01/10/2021 13:14

NOT ONE

how I wish we could edit

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 13:15

Just to be on the safe side OP get a note from the doctor as a PP mentioned gym would be far more physical it is probably not the best move fore your DD's health.

Ignore your ex but have documents ready incase he does take you to court.

RantyAunty · 01/10/2021 13:18

Do tell him to fuck off about the Brownies.

My DD did it for years and the skills and friendships she made were invaluable. She's 35 now.

RandomMess · 01/10/2021 13:18

He is ONLY doing this to bully and try and control you.

Don't bother your solicitor tell him if he's so bothered he will have to pay for it as you can't afford it and he can take it to court to get it enforced.

By the time it gets to court DD will probably able to swim and you can go "yeah ok she can give up swimming and do dance if you're prepared to fund it all including shows and competitons".

Let him waste his time and money.

Dozer · 01/10/2021 13:19

No need to consult your solicitor! Just say that you disagree and won’t be paying for or taking DD to dance or gym, or stopping brownies.

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 13:20

@frazzledasarock

"did you miss the bit where DD cannot do more strenuous activities due to health concerns? so she WILL have to give up one activity ot pick up another."

Apparently DD can if the EX pays for it Grin

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 13:22

@Anniegetyourgun

"OP has no intention of taking anyone to court. It is the ex who has threatened to do so. It is advisable to read the thread, or at least the OP's posts, before making input that would be good advice for a different situation but is irrelevant to this one."

I was refusing those encouraging OP to go to court

Snaketime · 01/10/2021 13:24

@BelleOfTheProvince

I'd understand if it was over safeguarding concerns. (Guides are committed in theory to a male and female child sharing a tent and keeping this information from the parents)

But no, he's definitely beging unreasonable. If your daughter enjoys brownies she can do that.
If he'd like her to do gymnastics he asks her and if she says yes pays for it.
Simples.

I think you might be thinking of Scouts, Guides are girls only, hence it being called girl guides.
Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 13:24

@00100001

And making digs about money isn't helpful. What if OP can't afford a third activity?

A solicitor will cost a lot more than an activity ones a week

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 13:24

@underneaththeash are you a pediatrician? I think it sounds quite plausible that a paed has advised a maximum of two extra curricular activities on health grounds. DD is seven so she will also be quite active during the week at school.

I wouldn't presume that no Pediatrician anywhere will ever advise a maximum of two extra curricular activities as you've not encountered it yourself.
You have no idea why or what the child's health issues are. And while the issue may change in future, the OP is going with the doctors instructions based on her DD's current health.

SoupDragon · 01/10/2021 13:25

Guides are girls only, hence it being called girl guides.

Yes, but identifying as a girl is sufficient.

Popcornriver · 01/10/2021 13:26

Even if he pays I wouldn't stop her doing an activity she loves. If you can afford it and there's no real reason she can't do it, it would be cruel to stop her going.

Shannith · 01/10/2021 13:27

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
This!
Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 13:27

@timeisnotaline

"if you’d read the ops posts you’d see she can’t do 3 activities, as per medical advice. Or did you not care about the details as you really just turned up to unfairly accuse the op of poor parenting?"

Couldn't see anything on there stating the doctor said

NamechangeApril21 · 01/10/2021 13:33

YANBU at all

My dds do both rainbkws/brownies, gymnastics and ballet.

Rainbows is £60/year

Gymnastics is £110 every 10 weeks, plus £20 membership a year and £30 insurance a year.

Ballet is £6 a week plus £30 a year insurance. Exams are £30ish a year, plus next year eldest will have to do an extra class a week, also at £6.

Hell of a price difference!! Gymnastics and dance takes a lot more out of them, and is a massive financial and time consuming activity. If he isn't contributing time and money wise, he doesn't get a say.

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 13:34

@Strangevipers no the OP isn't saying no due to the money, she's based it on her DD's health and the fact she won't want to drop Brownies.

The rest of us are aghast at the bare faced cheek at the ex dictating what OP does with her child on her contact time and money.

I doubt it would get to court but if it did I cannot see based on the child's health and the fact she enjoys her current activities, and has been doing these activities for long enough for it to be her routine that any judge would demand it be changed. No judge is going to demand OP pay for something her ex wants her to do, nor will a judge allow the ex to dictate what a child does during the OP's contact time.

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 13:36

[quote Strangevipers]@timeisnotaline

"if you’d read the ops posts you’d see she can’t do 3 activities, as per medical advice. Or did you not care about the details as you really just turned up to unfairly accuse the op of poor parenting?"

Couldn't see anything on there stating the doctor said [/quote]
fourth paragraph on the OP. OP says its for medical reasons.

hedgehogger1 · 01/10/2021 13:42

I'm guessing if she's struggling to swim that much she'a not massively well coordinated, so may not be an Olympic gymnast in the making

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