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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A whole new level of mansplaining

159 replies

RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:11

I am having treatment for cancer at the moment, it's hard going but I'm feeling pretty fine in between sessions. I'm wfh and pop into the office once a fortnight.
I went in quite early yesterday, first to arrive and was just settling down when a colleague came in. He quipped that I was up early and I replied that no hair makes showering quicker and laughed.
He put in a complaint that I'm not taking my cancer treatment seriously. An actual complaint. Poor HR had to ring me about it. He told them he is concerned that I don't understand the side effects.

OP posts:
ChangeAndHelp · 01/10/2021 09:11

Presumably he addressed you directly when you were talking?

I’d put in a complaint that perhaps he doesn’t know your name? I mean he addressed you directly (as “you”) without using your name in the conversation. Therefore you concluded that he MUST not know your name. It’s clear evidence. Nothing he can now say about that conversation can prove he does not. And of course you were not there when he spoke to HR so how are you meant to know. You are simply going by that one conversation but it’s a serious issue so you have to address it

DomPom47 · 01/10/2021 09:13

Bloody hell that’s a whole new level of idiot!

HarleyBarnes · 01/10/2021 09:14

What a twat,

I know from experience that when you have cancer, if you didn’t joke about it from time to time, you’d go crazy...

I wonder if twat man would have been offended by the screensaver on my work computer (that read at the time “one more MRI and I’ll stick to the fridge”) or complain about my work colleagues who knew that because metal cutlery on some types of chemo makes food taste horrible, went down to IKEA and invested in the colourful plastic kids cutlery to keep in the staff kitchen for me so I didn’t have to lug stuff in on the off day I felt I could manage to work on site?

BasiliskStare · 01/10/2021 09:14

@RocketPanda I am glad your treatment is all going well & I hope head feels a bit less sore at some point

I think you have handled it perfectly. Too easy to get into tit for tat & I suspect HR will be keeping an eye out for him not you .

I think you are right to let this comment go. One would hope he has learned .

Main point is though that I hope your treatment is going well & you feel or continue to feel better.
Best wishes Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2021 09:15

That really takes the biscuit - reporting you to HR for not taking your cancer seriously enough!!

Yes, I think that counts as mansplaining by proxy - you're doing it Wrong, obviously!

Glad that HR were able to deal with it in an appropriate manner - perhaps they should ask him exactly how he feels you should have been acting, in great detail, to make him squirm and realise what an utter twat he has made of himself!

Eddielzzard · 01/10/2021 09:16

WTAF. I actually can't get my head around it. I need a man to explain him to me.

ancientgran · 01/10/2021 09:16

@RocketPanda

I was trying to think charitable thoughts as to why and thought that maybe yes he has someone close to him with cancer but it's not like I'm a laugh-a-minute joker with it. I made one comment.
I found it hard with my colleague at times when everyone was, "Oh it's so hard for her, everyone has to be so careful." when actually I didn't feel particularly positive about it but was just trying to not spread the misery.

If I was having a bad day I felt like saying something but I did control myself as I didn't want to upset her. It just felt so odd that it was all about her, and yes I know that is childish but sometimes when we aren't well we are entitled to be a bit childish aren't we.

I hope your treatment is going well, it is a difficult time and I think trying to be charitable can be the best way to deal with it but it can be hard.

Cocolapew · 01/10/2021 09:18

What a tool!
Best of luck with your treatmentFlowers

Feelingoktoday · 01/10/2021 09:20

I’m so sorry. What an insensitive idiot.

Namechangeapologies · 01/10/2021 09:24

I have had cancer and my hair fell out.
He should not have done this and HR should know that.
You have probably done this already but phone Macmillian to talk to them about your rights in the work place and the Equalities Act.

Rachie1973 · 01/10/2021 09:25

Sorry but LOL! What a twat

HarlanPepper · 01/10/2021 09:26

Well, fuck that guy.

I don't understand why HR phoned you. They should have told him to do one.

AlbertCampion · 01/10/2021 09:27

Crikey. I've just finished cancer treatment and have made similar comments about having short/no hair at work. I've also referenced "chemo brain" and spoken about my treatment quite flippantly (when asked how it is going). It is how I chose to deal with it and it worked for me. The idea of someone complaining about my attitude fills me with horror - it would actually have really floored me. So sorry, OP.

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:27

I know you’ve got a lot on your plate but if you can then I think you should file a counter complaint! What an awful sod he is, ugh!

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:28

@HarlanPepper

Well, fuck that guy.

I don't understand why HR phoned you. They should have told him to do one.

Agree! They are in the wrong too I think!
Howshouldibehave · 01/10/2021 09:29

I don’t think that’s a case of ‘poor’ HR. They should have told him to get stuffed.

Useless HR, more like.

peachgreen · 01/10/2021 09:30

He's obviously nuts, but I'd be angrier at HR to be honest. Completely inappropriate for them to be bringing that to you.

Shuffleuplove · 01/10/2021 09:31

HR need a telling!

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 09:32

Honestly I'm not upset by it, just more agog.

Tempted to send him an email telling him I'm going back to bed for the day #cancerperks but that's just a bit churlish.

OP posts:
Crayfishforyou · 01/10/2021 09:34

Fucking hell what a twat.
I wouldn’t be laughing along with HR, I’d have lost it.

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 09:39

HR I don't think did anything wrong and I agree with the poster upthread who said he probably did not give context and just gave faux concern.
HR Mandy was so apologetic and she honestly is lovely to deal with and doesn't suffer fools lightly.

OP posts:
C152 · 01/10/2021 09:39

Sounds like the HR team need re-training! What a horrible shit you work with (the complainer, not HR).

QueeniesCroft · 01/10/2021 09:43

I've come across people who hate the reminder that anyone can experience illness/tragedy/bereavement too hard to cope with, so they turn it round on the person experiencing it and find reasons to "blame" them. It was easier for my son's nursery teacher to hate me for being a bad mother after my baby died, than it was to accept that sometimes babies die (she was pregnant herself and seriously unpleasant to/about me). I think this is the same sort of thing- your illness makes him uncomfortable, therefore you must be punished.

Twat.

thebabessavedme · 01/10/2021 09:46

Look OP, I think you are being really insensitive, the poor man obviously felt very uncomfortable with having to see a woman who is ill and wearing a soft hat! He is plainly used to seeing women looking their best for him and hiding any and all ailments, I expect he was so distressed he had to call his Mother and have a little cry, all I can say to you is #Bekind and make sure you hide away from now on, or at least until you can get to a salon/spa and make some effort with your appearance!

seriously, just be glad you arn't married to twat!

QueeniesCroft · 01/10/2021 09:46

@RocketPanda

HR I don't think did anything wrong and I agree with the poster upthread who said he probably did not give context and just gave faux concern. HR Mandy was so apologetic and she honestly is lovely to deal with and doesn't suffer fools lightly.
She might also have thought that the warning would be useful. At least now you know to keep an eye out for more of his "help" and "concern".

I hope everyone else gives him a hard time for this.