Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A whole new level of mansplaining

159 replies

RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:11

I am having treatment for cancer at the moment, it's hard going but I'm feeling pretty fine in between sessions. I'm wfh and pop into the office once a fortnight.
I went in quite early yesterday, first to arrive and was just settling down when a colleague came in. He quipped that I was up early and I replied that no hair makes showering quicker and laughed.
He put in a complaint that I'm not taking my cancer treatment seriously. An actual complaint. Poor HR had to ring me about it. He told them he is concerned that I don't understand the side effects.

OP posts:
Naunet · 01/10/2021 08:28

@groundhogyear

I think Covid has made everyone a bit bonkers. I am sure you will have assessed all of this but do you think his concern could be about you catching something in the office ? We're due to return shortly and lots of people are less concerned about catching it themselves but more worries about how bad they would feel if they passed it on to others.
Well that’s not what he said is it? And it’s not OPs job to find excuses for him about what he “could have meant”.
NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 08:28

Wow.

That’s next level.

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:29

There's six of us in a big office so no more at risk of catching something than going to the shop.

HR had to give the complaint immediate attention, for all they knew I was gallivanting around the building inhaling solvents and knocking back tequila. Poor Mandy ( not her real name) had to check. We had a good laugh and I'm pretty sure she's going to have the Are You Sure You're OK? chat with twatman.

OP posts:
GlitterBiscuits · 01/10/2021 08:30

I'd complain about the complaint too.

All the very best for the treatment OP

crikeycrumbsblimey · 01/10/2021 08:30

@RocketPanda

I'm not going to bother with a counter complaint. But I'm not going to make this a secret either.
Perfect response OP - what a twat!
SpikeDearheart · 01/10/2021 08:31

Why on earth did HR 'have' to follow up with you? Are they not permitted to exercise their professional judgement on reasonable grounds for complaint or are they just a revolving door for weird colleagues to pass on their inappropriate opinions?!

Spindrifting · 01/10/2021 08:33

HR were completely wrong to make this in any way your problem. But I’m also boggling at someone who thought he got to officially complain about the way in which you deal with your cancer treatment! WTF???

Very best wishes for a full recovery.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 08:34

@SpikeDearheart

Why on earth did HR 'have' to follow up with you? Are they not permitted to exercise their professional judgement on reasonable grounds for complaint or are they just a revolving door for weird colleagues to pass on their inappropriate opinions?!
Presumably because he didn’t frame his complaint as “RocketPanda was in early and joking about her lack of hair” but instead said “RocketPanda doesn’t seem to be taking her health seriously and I’m concerned for her well-being” and they had no further context.

Of course they should have asked him for the context, though, before responding to it.

Neonplant · 01/10/2021 08:36

No fucking way! The audacity of men! I'd love not to believe this but....

Brefugee · 01/10/2021 08:37

blimey OP. I'd write a mail to at least all my team, incl manager and HR saying that you know exactly what your own treatment entails, with a dictionary definition of "self-deprecating humour" included in the mail.

NoYOUbekind · 01/10/2021 08:39

HR really should have just buried that one in the bottom drawer. But thanks for sharing it because OMG, people are fucking BONKERS!

ArabellaScott · 01/10/2021 08:39

Holy fuck, OP.

SummersOverSeasideTown · 01/10/2021 08:39

Do you wear a wig? My sister had a HR complaint about her because she made a member of the team feel uncomfortable when she stopped wearing a wig (she has alopecia) The crazy thing was that the head of HR was a bald man.

Anyway op it does sound like you aren't taking it seriously enough, I mean finding something cancer related to laugh at, honestly!

Hope he squirms.

Candleabra · 01/10/2021 08:39

What is wrong with some people?
He thought you making a brave joke to try and make light of things was you not understanding?
He actually thought that? I think not. Who would. I can only assume this is yet another man making a woman's life more difficult.
Perhaps you didn't seem vulnerable enough for him. I would also put in a complaint about his behaviour.

SpikeDearheart · 01/10/2021 08:42

NoSquirrels yes, I didn't phrase it very well but that's what I meant. They obviously knew it was a bit weird when they approached OP so I really think they should have made more effort to tease out the nature of his concerns (Hmm) before putting it on RocketPanda. Although forewarned is forearmed I suppose Confused

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:42

Thank you all for the well wishings, it seems to be working thankfully.
We have an option to complain about someone who seems to be having a mental health crisis. You give some details but it's more used for people who have had a death or don't seem to be themselves.

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/10/2021 08:42

HR should be considering whether they should consider his complaint to be harassment TBH. He clearly understand what a complaints policy is for.

Naunet · 01/10/2021 08:43

@SummersOverSeasideTown

Do you wear a wig? My sister had a HR complaint about her because she made a member of the team feel uncomfortable when she stopped wearing a wig (she has alopecia) The crazy thing was that the head of HR was a bald man.

Anyway op it does sound like you aren't taking it seriously enough, I mean finding something cancer related to laugh at, honestly!

Hope he squirms.

Bloody hell! Some people are an absolute disgrace.
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 01/10/2021 08:44

I thought I'd heard it all. Not allowed to joke about your own body?

Wishing you a great recovery and fewer bellends.

Spiindoctor · 01/10/2021 08:45

I wonder if it's a bit OMG she's got cancer - by him. So he, as he is a bit thoughtless, comes out with a stupid comment.

I would let it go - I've had a few friends with cancer and feel I should have said more to them but didn't as i wasn't sure how to frame it 'you'll be fine' being something I myself would absolutely not want to hear.

I am waiting for treatment for cancer btw.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/10/2021 08:45

That is bonkers. You need to stop having a sense of humour immediately!!

Spiindoctor · 01/10/2021 08:46

Sorry, I thought he'd said it.

Ridiculous idiot to complain.

Muchasgracias · 01/10/2021 08:46

So it’s ok for the man to walk in and make a quip at you being there early. But you dare quip back and he makes an issue out of it? What a total moron. Please don’t keep quiet about this and let him know you think he’s an absolute dick in whatever form that best takes in a professional environment.

Threewheeler1 · 01/10/2021 08:47

Oh my God Shock
What on earth was he thinking??
Utterly bizarre. What a daft twat.
Hope you're ok OP. This must have knocked you for six! Good luck with the treatment (and dealing with strange male work colleague and his bonkers ideas of how you should be coping) x

SpiderinaWingMirror · 01/10/2021 08:47

Well that's one for HRs twat of the year award.

Swipe left for the next trending thread