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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A whole new level of mansplaining

159 replies

RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:11

I am having treatment for cancer at the moment, it's hard going but I'm feeling pretty fine in between sessions. I'm wfh and pop into the office once a fortnight.
I went in quite early yesterday, first to arrive and was just settling down when a colleague came in. He quipped that I was up early and I replied that no hair makes showering quicker and laughed.
He put in a complaint that I'm not taking my cancer treatment seriously. An actual complaint. Poor HR had to ring me about it. He told them he is concerned that I don't understand the side effects.

OP posts:
TeaStory · 01/10/2021 08:48

But @Spiindoctor this isn’t a “stupid” “thoughtless” comment made in the moment. This man chose to go away and then make a complaint to HR!

OP, how utterly ridiculous and absurd. I hope HR tell him not to be such a twat.

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:48

I don't wear a wig, I have a soft hat. My head is very sensitive at the moment.

OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 01/10/2021 08:49

He's a cunt, but it's not mansplaining.

TeaStory · 01/10/2021 08:51

Sorry @Spiindoctor, crosspost.

OP all the best for your treatment and your poor sensitive head. I’m glad you can laugh the ridiculousness off. I hope your colleague cringes for the rest of his life over this!

PlinkPlankPlunk · 01/10/2021 08:52

@RocketPanda

Thank you all for the well wishings, it seems to be working thankfully. We have an option to complain about someone who seems to be having a mental health crisis. You give some details but it's more used for people who have had a death or don't seem to be themselves.
Ok this is obviously completely ridiculous and clearly his brain was not working at that point.

However, is it the word “complaint” that is at issue here; what you describe sounds more like a “report a matter of concern or worry about a colleague” sort of a thing? It’s been absolutely dreadfully handled (I agree with the PP re the “revolving door” role of HR in complaint handling sometimes) but perhaps there’s a vocabulary issue that needs looking at?

Great that you’re able to work OP, and that things seem to be going well - all the best to you Flowers

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2021 08:54

@RocketPanda

There's six of us in a big office so no more at risk of catching something than going to the shop.

HR had to give the complaint immediate attention, for all they knew I was gallivanting around the building inhaling solvents and knocking back tequila. Poor Mandy ( not her real name) had to check. We had a good laugh and I'm pretty sure she's going to have the Are You Sure You're OK? chat with twatman.

Well they didn't have to take it that seriously but as they did, have they also spoken to him about his mansplaining and distress caused to someone undergoing chemotherapy? If they speak to you they should also address this with him.
BlackSwan · 01/10/2021 08:57

I'd give him something to really complain about.

beastlyslumber · 01/10/2021 08:58

My jaw hit the floor when I read that! Unbelievable!

Fucking hell, OP. If it wasn't a pain in the arse for you, I'd encourage you to make a complaint about him to HR.

Good luck with the treatment and I'm SO SORRY about this stupid fucking idiot.

Dontjudgeme101 · 01/10/2021 08:58

He’s a disgusting human being, how dare he. I hope your ok op. 💐💐💐

ancientgran · 01/10/2021 08:59

Obviously it is bonkers but the only thing I can think of that might explain it is if he or someone close to him has cancer and he was feeling sensitive. I only think of that as a colleague and I both had a hysterectomy within weeks of each other, I took the isn't it great no more periods attitude and a manager (female) took me on one side and said this other woman was having trouble dealing with her operation and my attitude was upsetting her. I think I was supposed to be miserable about it to make her feel better or something. It did make me feel very awkward although I did feel sorry for her as she took it really badly.

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 08:59

@PlinkPlankPlunk it's under complaints and grievance so yes I agree that complaint is the wrong word. The company is quite good with mental health and run all sorts of MH workshops and on going groups.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 01/10/2021 08:59

WTAF!!!!

I'm so shocked that someone would complain about you using humour as a coping mechanism. What a wanker Angry

Please don't let this alter how you deal with your illness/your treatment/your recovery.

I wish you all the best Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/10/2021 09:00

WTF!!

Can you complain about his complaint?

superplumb · 01/10/2021 09:00

Omg. Honestly wtaf is wrong with him has he always been a bellend.?

MarshmallowSwede · 01/10/2021 09:01

Well until a sperm producer explains just how serious your cancer treatment actually is, then you can’t really know can you? You actually experiencing said cancer and the treatment associated is not enough to gain it’s seriousness.. a man has to explain this to your lady brain. It’s science!

TheMarzipanDildo · 01/10/2021 09:01

He sounds, at best, unbelievably thick.

Effitall · 01/10/2021 09:02

I mean, you are clearly cancering all wrong but now he’s helpfully pointed that out you can try harder and do better Confused

For what it’s worth I have been in contact with a few people going through cancer treatment and they have remained working as it gave them an anchor or normality and focus where they could still feel like ‘Jill in accounts’ rather than ‘poor Jill with battling cancer’

Gassylady · 01/10/2021 09:02

I’m rather WTF!! at that. How lovely that you workplace has a mechanism for registering concern about someone. Surely that could be expressed better by him saying something along the lines of “are you ok I dont think I’d be able to joke about this” I’d absolutely raise a counter concern anout him as a clearly off the cuff jokey remark seems ro have caused him a very disproportionate amount of distress

BrendaBubbles · 01/10/2021 09:02

Are you sure it was a “complaint” and not a (clumsy and pointless) attempt to have your employer check in about your well-being? Even though it’s none of his business maybe he got some vibe from your joke that caused him to worry about you.

DancesWithTortoises · 01/10/2021 09:04

I'm fuming on your behalf, OP.

Original poster
RocketPanda · 01/10/2021 09:04

I was trying to think charitable thoughts as to why and thought that maybe yes he has someone close to him with cancer but it's not like I'm a laugh-a-minute joker with it. I made one comment.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 01/10/2021 09:05

If I was being charitable, I could just - just - about get my head around someone having a concern that a person joking about their cancer treatment was a sign of them not coping.

But that's obviously not the case here so bollocks to charity. He's an arse and I hope he's made to feel as stupid as he clearly is.

OurMamInHavianas · 01/10/2021 09:05

I’m glad your treatment is going well. Best wishes for the rest of it.

Cancer is classed as a disability in the UK, and harassment because of disability (including causing someone distress) is discrimination.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/discrimination-because-of-disability/what-counts-as-disability-discrimination/#h-harassment-because-of-disability

I hope your HR department take this seriously and stop this idiot doing the same again to you or others.

IntermittentParps · 01/10/2021 09:05

Does he not have enough actual work to do? He seems to have a lot of time on his hands. What a tit.

AnotherName456 · 01/10/2021 09:06

What an absolute twat! I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with that Flowers

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