Were you happier before or after

[Neverseenfirefliesinmylife]

Kids?

And if you have more than one, happier with just one or happier with more?

Please be honest

@FizzyPink

Great thread OP. As someone who genuinely has no idea whether to have kids or not this is super interesting. I love the life we have right now so much and having kids is such an unknown that it terrifies me that it might not be the right choice for us

The saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” comes to mind!

Before child.
After grandkids

@Patty101

After. Always felt happy but like something was missing, or I was waiting for something but didn't know what. Had one and it all finally made sense. Had second and now I feel complete. Cheesy but true.

Yes. This is exactly how I feel, too.

I have one child and have had plenty of these moments. First smile, first word, first steps, various interactions with other kids at playgroup etc - then countless other random things he’s done out of the blue. You absolutely don’t need more than one child to experience the heart soaring moments!

I couldn't agree more

I was happy before and I am happy after. 6 DC who are my world. The more we had the easier it was though I guess that was down to me being more experienced as a parent. Having the first was most def the hardest as I was learning. Love a big family. It fills me with joy to see them get along and look out for each other.

After. It was brutally hard when they were tiny; putting them first all the time came as a shock to a selfish introvert. But I changed, they got older, and now at 11 and 9 they're the most amazing company and I'd hate to be without them. We have fascinating chats together, I love teaching them about the world and hearing their take on it, and I love seeing them get more and more capable.

I was happier with DC1. I shouldn't have had any more. A lot of awful things happened when DC2 was born. None of it her fault and I love her to bits but it's been stressful.
Things have settled down with now only to discover my youngesr(total accident) is likely to need physiotherapy and speech and language help.
I'm overweight, constantly exhausted, stressed and never have any money.
I wouldn't be without any of them, love them so much but was happier after just one.

An interesting thread, but I wonder how much it’s possible to separate the fact of having children from the life stage people are often at when they have children.

People in their 20s/30s are often relatively unsettled in terms of job, where they’re living, who they are dating etc. Whereas once you have a kid that is often correlated with being more “ settled” in your life. That first stage if your life may be over. So is the happiness of “after” related explicitly to being a parent. - or tied in with that greater sense of stability in life which led to being a parent.

www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/10/30/parents-are-happier-near-the-birth-of-their-first-and-second-child-third-child-not-so-much/

“The fact that parental happiness increases before these children are born suggests that we are capturing broader issues relating to childbearing such as couples forming partnerships and making plans for the future,” Mikko Myrskylä, an LSE demography professor and director of German’s Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research, said in a statement.

After.
It's a different kind happiness. Contentment. I feel content all the time because even when I have a bad day, say at work, I see my DDs smiling face and it seems so irrelevant and unimportant.I'm happy with the mundane and I'm happy showing her things for the first time and taking her to new places.
Life was much easier before but a bit empty and shallow. I'm so glad I had children

*AmanitaRubescens

there is a lot of truth in the saying that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

I could not disagree more. It is a useless and dysfunctional comment.

Interesting.

Can a parent be happy if their child is profoundly unhappy?*

It is essential. What good does it do the unhappy child if the parent is lost in the sorrows too?
I have a severely depressed adult son- several recent suicide attempts.
I can't write off my own life to sadness because of that. Of course it is hard work, and I do have times of tears and worry, but I work to support my son with authentic joy, I know my energy can lift him and bolster him, I can model happiness and halp carry him though his darkest times. . He would feel guilty and burdened if I joined him in a dark place, it lightens his load to know that his situation is a lesser impact to me.
I have other family members too- a daughter who deserves a mother who grasps joy and willing to share that- and shows her that our own happiness is not dependant on others.
I profoundly disagree with the idea that we should live in the sorrows of an unhappy child. We can have empathy, give support and love, but I work hard to make sure my own joy is nurtured, and my own cup full- firstly for myself, but also that I may better support and engage with those I love.

Happier after. I always wanted my DC and I'm so grateful to now have them 😃

Fantastic post @speakout.

It's hard to give an accurate answer.
I lived my life pre babies. I liked doing whatever, whenever. I enjoyed my friendships, felt valued at work and I like time to myself. But I had good days and bad days. Sometimes I was bored. I would have been sad if DH didn't want to try for a baby.
As it happens, ds1 was a surprise. I struggled with transition. I lost some friendships and didn't really make any new ones at baby groups etc. I lost myself and struggled to see where I belonged in the world. I felt work punished me for having a baby and opportunities were no longer there for me. But, I love my ds1 with all my heart and he fills my life with joy. Balance and perspective came 2 years later with surpise ds2. I found I simply didn't have time to care or worry about outside factors. In time, I've rebuilt my career. I'm finding, the more expensive I get, the more they want to give me the responsibility I enjoy. DH has taken on the role of sahd partly due to covid but also, we felt it worked better for us like that. I also dropped a day as being with the boys is important to me. I have so many moments of happiness with this lot. I try to appreciate the small things as I know how I can get weighted down with the difficult things and it seems to balance out. My mental health is so much now that I care less about things that aren't so important to. Yes, I'm happy.

peridito xx

Asking me now I'd say happier as they are young adults and I love spending time with them and watching them grow into the people they are becoming. If you had asked me when they were babies I'd have said before.

Happier after. I love being a mum and everything seems to have more purpose. I only have one 3 year old.

I had my eldest at 25 so I've spent most of adult life as a parent. I can't really remember what it felt like properly to not be a parent!

Different happinesses in my opinion, but overall definitely after. And it got better the more we had and now it is great having adult children. The last is moving out so that's the nest well and truely empty.

I was happy before having children, had a great life, great friends... And I am happy now that I have children with a great life, great friends and great kids. I knew I wanted children so if I hadn't had them things might be different.

@Ledition

Miles happier before I had babies. My DD1 was planned and very much wanted but I struggled massively with the transition. We then had a contraception failure when she was less than six months old and so DD2 came along having two 15 months apart was hell on earth for the first year or two BUT DD2 made me a "happier" parent in many ways. She was a delightful baby, incredibly affectionate and just the sweetest little thing. I obviously loved her sister just as much but DD1's disposition as a baby had made it very difficult to find joy in her - she was very high needs, didn't care for being kissed and cuddled, severe reflux made her miserable which me made me miserable. So all in all I was happier after two DC especially when they started interacting with each other. My absolute favourite moments of parenting was when they were playing nicely together or had a rare moment of kindness towards each other. It made my heart soar and I never had that heart soaring feeling with one child.

As they get older and have started school/preschool I'm feeling my happiness return and I'm enjoying them so much more and finally coming into my own as a mother I think. I always had an inkling I'd be better with older children so relieved to see that coming true!

Also I think circumstances have a LOT to do with it, namely how much support you have. I had very little and my husband was a massive disappointment and never pulled his weight. I think I could have enjoyed it so much more if I'd felt part of a team, as opposed to being the only one saddled with all the burden.

It seems we've lived parallel lives. I couldn't have said it better myself.

@Ledition I actually find this comment quite sad! I have one child and have had plenty of these moments. First smile, first word, first steps, various interactions with other kids at playgroup etc - then countless other random things he’s done out of the blue. You absolutely don’t need more than one child to experience the heart soaring moments!

I absolutely wasn't saying that it wasn't possible to have that feeling with one child @2020newmum, I was saying I personally never had it until I had two children and watching them interact was what finally gave me that lovely feeling. Until then I had never had that "overwhelming infatuation" feeling people talk about having when children are born, I had a fairly traumatic birth with DD1 and I think this played a huge part. Plus I'm just not the type of person that has lots of overwhelming emotions so it's probably a personality thing too, I don't cry much etc etc. Tons of parents have those lovely feelings with their first child, it just didn't happen for me until I had two and I loved watching them being a little unit that's all I was saying.

I should say I did feel love and pride at DD1's milestones (I'm not completely devoid of emotion ) but it was just "supercharged" with two!

Absolutely before. I love my DD and wouldn't wish her away now she's here but if I'd truly known what it would be like I would not have had her. I despise parenting and miss having time to myself.

Happier after with 3 sons. There are some real low points when i feel overwhelmed and exhausted but i always remind myself those times are temporary and as they get older i get more of my freedom back and I love having them and are proud of each of them and feel blessed they are mine.

Happier after I had my son, I was 21 years old.
I didn't want any more children though, or a man.