Were you happier before or after

[Neverseenfirefliesinmylife]

Kids?

And if you have more than one, happier with just one or happier with more?

Please be honest

After. There are things I miss, nights out require military precision planning and my main sitter has just moved across the country….
I’m older though, I’d done my travelling, settled in my job, married, DH pulls his weight, friends mostly settled and in same position. I am not alone.
Agree it’s very hard at times, more so when they’re little. Mine is now 5 and I know this time is precious, it’s gone so fast.

After. They genuinely changed me, sure life is much harder than it was before but it's so worth it

Oh and btw the sheer thrill at a child free night, dh and I enjoy a night out ten times better than pre children 🤣

Always thought I didn’t need kids. Really wasn’t someone who grew up thinking I needed to have a baby. Something came over me last year (partly swayed by maternity leave) but I decided I needed a baby and suddenly I felt the way most girls probably feel for years. Got pregnant relatively easily, went 9 months of carrying the baby but just always had this awful feeling something would go wrong or I wouldn’t survive the c-section. Turns out I did 😊 I had no idea I’d feel the love I did instantly for my baby when I first saw him. It was genuinely like a wave that hit me! It’s only been 2 months but I can say categorically.. after kids! Didn’t ever expect to feel this way but not only do I love him, I love all the doors being a ‘parent’ opens up. There are so many more options of things to do and places to go. I can’t wait to do them all 😊

@JaninaDuszejko

Oh, and having lots of kids (we have 3DC) is better than just having one, my DC are such a gang and suffered far less in lockdown than their friends who are only children.

My DD(16) did just fine in lockdown. She doesn't need a "gang" as she's very self sufficient plus she's very close to us.

Life before DD was good but much better with her.

P.s I think it helps that I seem to have been given the most chilled baby on earth. Sleeps when I want to sleep. Drinks milk very quickly when necessary, won’t keep you up at night 🙈 the actual dream!

After. I have been happy every day since having my daughter, but before she was born I had a lot of fun but was never truly happy.

After. So many genuinely joyful times, happiness and love. As they grew up, I felt pride for their achievements that I'd never felt for my own. Now they are all adults, they are my favourite people in the world and I am still at my happiest when I am with them, from family events and parties, to one of them calling in for a cup of tea. Seeing their relationship with each other, knowing they have each other in the world, the shared experiences, makes me happy too.

Definitely after but if you’d asked me in first year of ds life that would 100% have been before. Dh on the other hand would say before now and l find that hard because our priorities are so different

I would say after no. 1, definitely happier.
But then major life change happened - moved to Australia. So this reduced happiness.
No.2 was hard won, so was happy when he arrived. But he's been much harder work than no.1 in many ways.

Wouldn't be without him though - either of them! -- and they bring joy in many ways, as well as the frustrations.

Still in Australia - not sure if I'd have been happier in the UK over the last couple of years, but who knows.

So hard to answer this. I think overall, ‘after’ for me. But this comes with the caveat of having gone through some really deeply diving counselling (not kids related) and breaking off relationships with toxic people around the same time my kids were really little so the happiness is not just child related. But I would echo what other posters have said that children, especially after the hard early years bring so much joy that is wrapped up with their growth and achievements. I had v little support when my two were little (babies) and I live in a country that is not my own and struggled with language and simple things like admin and medical appointments. But now they are 7 and 5 and we have found an excellent school, my husband has found a job that better suits us as a family, I have friends and the kids are at an age where I can really enjoy their company rather than always worrying watching and ‘doing’. And that means I get to enjoy my family more…. Which brings me joy I genuinely never thought I would experience.
I had a’ fun’ life before I grew my family but now I feel that while ‘fun’ is great, it’s didn’t sustain or fulfill me in the same way really getting a grip on my life and building strength and love and stability for my boys and my husband and me has.

I think the premise of this thread is strange tbh - but again I think 'happiness', as we understand it societally atm, is a strange concept. Mine have added a facet to my life that I'm very, very glad I have, and I thoroughly enjoy having them (bar the inevitable stress and worry and the times when I think things would be a lot more straightforward if I didn't have them to worry about - the vulnerability they add to life, basically). There are many wonderful moments and I am very lucky to have them all. But I have found at various points in my 16 years of parenthood to date that there is a lot of truth in the saying that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

Probably equal but in different ways, I just had one child at age 35 so quite a lot of life before.

Definitely before. I love my children very much of course, but now I am constantly stressed between juggling work and looking after them. Relationship has suffered and my depression levels are at an all time high and can’t see it getting better any time soon.

After, have just one and I love it; I’ve never felt such sustained happiness. she makes me laugh regularly (and exasperates me and occasionally makes me mad). Seeing her learn and grow and being part of that is great.

After. I have been transformed forever- in a positive way.

there is a lot of truth in the saying that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

I could not disagree more. It is a useless and dysfunctional comment.

Ultimately happier but there have been some moments I've wondered if having children was the right thing to do. They've given me my best times but also some of my worst. The sleep deprivation with my second made me psychotic, but now that's mostly resolved I feel happier. I've realised I'm a better mum to children, not toddlers or babies!

Definitely happier after. Literally looking back seems like two lives, before and after, both good, but after hugely better.

Some interesting reading

www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/parenting-myth-youre-only-as-happy-as-your-saddest-child

Before. Not due to dd. But due to my health. I was well. Not exploding with energy, but well. Every day now is a struggle and I’ve missed so much of dd’s life due to poor health.

After. Pre kids was fun, lots of socialising and free time etc but my life now is much better and I'm so much happier in myself. Had my first a 28, just felt like my life got so much better, fulfilled. I've got 3 now and wouldn't change it for the world. I'm tired, yes, but I can cope with that. My DH is a great dad and pulls his weight, does his fair share of parenting and housework (we both work full time), which I think makes a difference to other mums I know that seem dissatisfied. I'm not just happy with my kids but happy in my marriage and I love my life.

@speakout

there is a lot of truth in the saying that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

I could not disagree more. It is a useless and dysfunctional comment.

Interesting.

Can a parent be happy if their child is profoundly unhappy?

After. DD saved my life in lots of ways I am only starting to see now. She was the trigger I needed to realise how ill I was.
DS came along and yes, sometimes things are stressful and they bicker, but you know what? They've spent almost 18 months in each others sole company and they're the best unit. I'm so proud of them. Ddog came too and i couldn't be happier.

How about you, @Neverseenfirefliesinmylife?

Are you asking because you're trying to decide whether to have children?