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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: the half-cup of tea brigade

239 replies

Shedbuilder · 30/09/2021 21:29

My late MIL used to turn every offer of a cup of tea or a biscuit or sandwich into a major performance. Just half a cup/ half a biscuit / a quarter of a sandwich not a drop or crumb more because 'I can't manage any more than half a cup yada yada yada...' Everyone knew she had a small appetite so we automatically gave her tiny portions — but if you were foolish enough to ask her if she'd like something to eat or drink you'd get the full performance. And once you delivered the tea/ biscuit/ sandwich there'd be a cheery telling-off. 'Oooh, this is far too much. Call this half a cup? I could drown in this sea of tea...' So no matter what you did with the intention of being kind and supportive, you were always in the wrong.

It irritated everyone, even though her family all loved her to bits. This evening I offered my DP some leftover apple crumble and got the full MIL treatment. 'Just a tiny bit: think half of what you'd have and then halve that. And don't go drowning it in custard, I know what you're like with custard...' So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard and as I set it down in front of DP I said jokingly 'You're turning into your mother!' Cue a huge row about me insulting the sacred memory of MIL and doors slamming.

What's the half-cup-of-tea things really about? I have no problem at all with someone saying they're not very hungry, they'll just have a mouthful of whatever. Or a small cup of tea. But there's a point at which it slips into controlling behaviour. Or AIBU?

PS Perhaps I should add that my DP isn't on a diet or anything.

OP posts:

DragonflyFairy · 30/09/2021 22:09

I think it could be a generational thing as we're all talking about mothers and MILs and I think older generations can be conditioned to behave this way. My mother and MIL are the same, my mum in particular.
'Ooh just half a piece for me, I couldn't possibly eat all of that.'

I had a severe eating disorder in my teens and have struggled with my weight all my life. She knows not to talk to me about my weight at all but will bang on about hers (much slimmer than me) and call herself a fatty pig pig if she eats a pudding.

We've got to a good place now though where I can tell her just to stop and she takes it well. She made a song and dance about a brownie last week, 'I can only eat half, I couldn't manage more!' I told her she easily could but chooses not to (which is fine but why not just say that?) She actually agreed!!

waybill · 30/09/2021 22:11

Elderly MIL only ever wants half a cup of tea or coffee in the evening - I strongly suspect it's so she's less likely to have to get up in the night to pee.

ToucansToucans · 30/09/2021 22:13

Yes!
And the reminder of just a dash of milk
We also have EVERYTIME we have cake... 'ooo is it sponge cake as I don't like sponge?'
She does eat other cake (which seems quite similar to sponge)
But if we don't offer we get a face.

2Two · 30/09/2021 22:14

My mother was like this. I think there was an element of eating disorder about it, because throughout my childhood she always had a bit of an obsession about being fat, and would comment in a sort of gloating tone of voice about fat people or people she saw in restaurants ordering large meals. But the issue around making a fuss about meal size didn't really show itself until she started developing dementia, when there was a routine every meal about how she didn't really want anything, she wasn't hungry, she couldn't possibly eat that, etc etc. But just occasionally she would give herself away by being happy to eat a normal portion of something she liked, like ice cream, because she'd forgotten that ice cream is full of sugar. It became a real pain: when we shopped for her, we'd go out of our way to try to get stuff she liked, only to find it going to waste, and I'm sure that, more often than not, we'd leave a meal ready for her and she'd end up throwing it away. When she had to go into hospital it got worse because the nurses never had time to persuade her to eat: I used to try to time my visits around mealtimes, but it was still hard, hard work.

So I'm wondering whether you noticed any correlation with your MIL between this and dementia, OP?

Si1ver · 30/09/2021 22:14

My parents have taken the whole "half a cup" thing to extremes and now only have severely TINY cups in their house. Getting a decent sized cup of tea at their place is a sodding nightmare.

ToucansToucans · 30/09/2021 22:15

I really don't get why with tea though...hot water doesn't cost anything! (Another with the just half a cup brigade...just have a full cup and leave the rest ffs)

ToucansToucans · 30/09/2021 22:15

@Si1ver

My parents have taken the whole "half a cup" thing to extremes and now only have severely TINY cups in their house. Getting a decent sized cup of tea at their place is a sodding nightmare.

Moonface123 · 30/09/2021 22:17

My Nan was exactly the same. I think it was because she was brought up on rations, nothing could be wasted, and most elderly people do have very small appetites.
I also notice how the older customers stick religiously to their lists whilst shopping, l heard one say "we don't shop like that" when someone was saying the only reason items are moved around in supermarket s is to entice people to buy more.

MarieKlepto · 30/09/2021 22:20

My grandmother was like this. The martyrdom and judgement made every meal with her torture. She was short and slight but actually never did anything physical (and if she did do something vaguely active we got the monologue about how exhausting it had been) so her bird diet suited her. My mother was on her feet at work all day, walking miles, I've always been active too. Funnily she always thought that any men at the table hadn't been served enough!

politics4me · 30/09/2021 22:22

Half a cup of tea please!
All of a sudden I am back at home as a teen.
I thought it had died out along with 5 Woodbines and curlers under a scarf.

Limejuiceandrum · 30/09/2021 22:25

Well of course your appetite declines.

The thing my mother does is say, everytime we are out for lunch somewhere “oh this will be the main meal for the day”

I’m more, I’ll just decide later thanks! But a bowl of soup and half a fucking toasted sandwich doesn’t mean I will not eat later. She’ll say it at least 5 times too.

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 30/09/2021 22:25

2Two, although later in her life she did suffer from memory loss I think from what DP has said MIL started on this in her 40s or 50s if not before.

It's not about fear or getting fat or losing weight though I know exactly what those posters with mothers with eating issues mean. You can see from the family photo album that the women in DP's family, over several generations, are all tiny. DP isn't much over 5' and struggles to keep her weight up. Her sisters are like her: fine-boned and with fast metabolisms. They eat plenty but burn it off.

I'm sadly more of a sturdy carthorse myself, and my splendid crumble and custard-making skills don't help matters...

OP posts:

Thatsplentyjack · 30/09/2021 22:25

My mums getting a bit like this. She will comment that she doesn't know how I can eat a whole sandwhich/large bit of cake/ lunch and then a cake but I know for a fact she could easily eat that too. I've seen what she can pack away when she feels like it. Think she just likes to claim she couldn't possibly manage to eat all that.

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 30/09/2021 22:29

@Si1ver

My parents have taken the whole "half a cup" thing to extremes and now only have severely TINY cups in their house. Getting a decent sized cup of tea at their place is a sodding nightmare.

MIL decided that our shot glasses were just the right size for cold drinks. When she asked for lemonade or squash we served it in a shot glass. I'm amazed her kidneys didn't pack in.

OP posts:

3beesinmybonnet · 30/09/2021 22:31

I've found as I get older I eat less, I love my food but too much just makes me feel ill nowadays.
BUT there's absolutely no need for a great song and dance about it. It sounds to me like attention seeking melodrama from your MIL, and your DP flouncing because you dared criticise her sainted mother sounds like she might have inadvertently picked up some of her habits.

Limejuiceandrum · 30/09/2021 22:35

@Shedbuilder
A shot of neat cordial!!

DAILYDOILEY · 30/09/2021 22:35

Oh dear I'm in the half cup brigade but only with tea and coffee. At 69 a full cup keeps me running to the loo, food I have no problem with

KurtWilde · 30/09/2021 22:37

So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard

I almost choked on my (full) cup of tea reading this 😂

LuaDipa · 30/09/2021 22:38

@Si1ver

My parents have taken the whole "half a cup" thing to extremes and now only have severely TINY cups in their house. Getting a decent sized cup of tea at their place is a sodding nightmare.

This is my mum too! She hates tea at my house ‘I’ll have tea but just a small one, don’t give me another of those buckets’. Referring to my perfectly normal sized cups (I wouldn’t dare give her a mug).

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 22:39

My MIL won't eat in places where 'the portions are too big' - just leave what you don't want!

A generational thing might be at play here. I hate leaving half a plate of food, it is so wasteful. Why should I pay for a full plate of food I know I’m not going to eat? I hate the idea of any food going to waste and this comes from my mother who grew up post war and also finds it hard to leave food on her plate. Why can’t places just serve less food?

GuyFawkesDay · 30/09/2021 22:39

My grandma is like this (91).
It's a source of much amusement amongst the rest of the family.

WellTidy · 30/09/2021 22:40

@Limejuiceandrum my mum has a thing about ‘main meal’ too. They will often say ‘shall we have our main meal out today’ or ‘is this our main meal’ or similar. I have no idea, if we are all quite hungry later, I will cook something. If we aren’t, I will do something snacky. They also have at least one hot meal (the main meal) a day, no chance at all of both lunch and dinner being served cold.

Looubylou · 30/09/2021 22:42

You've all missed out the most enraging of all "I'll just have a bit of your's", my sister had an eating disorder for years and used to say this, or bite 1/2 a chocolate and bin the rest 😠

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 30/09/2021 22:42

@BoredZelda

My MIL won't eat in places where 'the portions are too big' - just leave what you don't want!

Why not just have a starter?

OP posts:

Randomneim · 30/09/2021 22:43

I think sometimes for some people who don't have much else to define themselves with, eating less than everyone else is a matryrdom/toxic femininity flex. Some people do it around me and I hate it because it makes my normal eating feel greedy. OTOH, some other relatives who are older just happen to like not that much for dinner, but you know they love food and they're not trying to say anything with it or portion shame you.

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