AIBU: the half-cup of tea brigade

[Shedbuilder]

My late MIL used to turn every offer of a cup of tea or a biscuit or sandwich into a major performance. Just half a cup/ half a biscuit / a quarter of a sandwich not a drop or crumb more because 'I can't manage any more than half a cup yada yada yada...' Everyone knew she had a small appetite so we automatically gave her tiny portions — but if you were foolish enough to ask her if she'd like something to eat or drink you'd get the full performance. And once you delivered the tea/ biscuit/ sandwich there'd be a cheery telling-off. 'Oooh, this is far too much. Call this half a cup? I could drown in this sea of tea...' So no matter what you did with the intention of being kind and supportive, you were always in the wrong.

It irritated everyone, even though her family all loved her to bits. This evening I offered my DP some leftover apple crumble and got the full MIL treatment. 'Just a tiny bit: think half of what you'd have and then halve that. And don't go drowning it in custard, I know what you're like with custard...' So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard and as I set it down in front of DP I said jokingly 'You're turning into your mother!' Cue a huge row about me insulting the sacred memory of MIL and doors slamming.

What's the half-cup-of-tea things really about? I have no problem at all with someone saying they're not very hungry, they'll just have a mouthful of whatever. Or a small cup of tea. But there's a point at which it slips into controlling behaviour. Or AIBU?

PS Perhaps I should add that my DP isn't on a diet or anything.

My mum does this. We went for lunch recently. We ordered the same thing. I ate all of it. Mum ate half and said she'd have the rest for dinner. Then said "oh well. You won't need to cook tonight then after that meal". Ummm... dc will still want a meal and ill be hungry again by then

She's done it my whole life. Probably why I have issues with food now!
SIL is the same "oh I don't really eat breakfast I'm just so busy with 3 dc". Eat after the school run! "I never eat lunch. I don't like sandwiches" Make something else then "oh I'll only have 1 sausage and 2 small potatoes and salad. I can't eat more than that" then I caught her scoffing leftovers in the kitchen

Oh god my GMIL is like this except she also comments on the (perfectly normal) portion sizes of the other women in the family. "You're never going to eat all that are you?". "You're having a BISCUIT? Now? I couldn't possibly manage a biscuit between meals!" etc etc.
The men are apparently immune as she makes no such comments on their eating habits.

This has made me laugh. I used to know a couple who were both extremely thin and very in to their exercise and they ‘shared’ a cup of tea every morning . I’ve never quite got over it. Who the hell makes a cup of tea and divides it between 2 cups?!

I used to work with a very particular fussy little man, who asked for half a cup of tea when I offered to make the hot drinks.
I did wonder if he had bladder problems.

Yanbu. I’m off to make a crumble.

My mum does this. We went for lunch recently. We ordered the same thing. I ate all of it. Mum ate half and said she'd have the rest for dinner. Then said "oh well. You won't need to cook tonight then after that meal". Ummm... dc will still want a meal and ill be hungry again by then

This is the worst bit of it with my (otherwise lovely) MIL - she insists that it is odd and incredibly gluttonous to eat more than breakfast and one other meal a day even at Christmas. I was shocked speechless the first year at their house when on the evening of Christmas day rather than the cheeseboard and Christmas cake that my family had we had - nothing. Because we'd eaten (a normal sized roast, the dinner isn't some huge multi-coursed affair for them either) at 2pm, so that was that until breakfast. We host Christmas now, thank god!

Oh god, my MIL also does it in restaurants- the full performance of 'can I just have a small bit, just a tiny amount, I really can't manage a large piece' while the waiting staff glazes over clearly thinking 'I don't give a shit'.

@Blackkoala

My MIL is like this. It doesn’t matter how small I make her portion, she will announce that it’s too much food for her and leave half of it. It drives me mad - why can’t she just eat as much as she wants and leave the rest without the big song and dance that leaves everyone else feeling like a glutton for having a normal portion?

In all other ways she’s a lovely, lovely person so I let it go but it really does drive me mad!

Yes, the song and dance does have the effect of making you feel like a glutton and putting you down, doesn't it?

And whoever mentioned going out to eat — it was a nightmare. We'd usually end up quietly explaining to the waiting staff that she barely ate anything and could we have a spare plate, please, and then give her some of ours. But always, even in a restaurant, it was fuss fuss fuss.

I only know half a cup from the film East is East, never heard anyone actually ask for it !

Your husband vigorously defending his mother's egg-cup besmirched reputation made me hoot.

You know what you're like with custard, OP. Tut tut!

My MIL does this too. Drives me nuts.

She's thinner than me (I'm fine with this, I'm not an unhealthy weight) and delights in saying 'just give me half, you can have the rest' or whatever. This is always followed by 'I only have a tiny appetite, oh gosh, this is huge, I'll never manage it all' before doing just that.

Why can't she just leave what she doesn't want or just ask for a small piece without the performance that goes with it.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

Your husband vigorously defending his mother's egg-cup besmirched reputation made me hoot.

You know what you're like with custard, OP. Tut tut!

her mother! Me and my heteronormative assumptions!

I can still hear my granny saying ‘not too much for me, it will put me off eating anything at all ….no,no, that’s too much’

Yeah my FIL does this re cups of tea. "Just a small one", always accompanied by a pinching motion of the thumb and forefinger to illustrate how small.

@Hardbackwriter it's exactly that! I don't care what you eat but don't comment on what I'm eating! If I order cake when we're out I get "oh that's a big slice of cake. Are you going to eat it all? I couldn't manage that". And if I don't order cake because I don't want any I get "you can have some you know. You are allowed"
I know I'm allowed. I'm 37 years old ffs.

I want apple crumble now. But only an egg cup sized portion and no custard.

My PILs do this. They come to our house and share a can of pop. And don’t even finish it.

For women it's a weight thing isn't it? The idea that a woman eating a "big" portion is gluttonous so she couldn't possibly be able to eat so much/be so greedy/get fat/become an inferior woman. My mum does it all the time. It's so tedious, but it comes down to issues with food/weight. She freely comments on other people's weight all the time too, well she used to until I snapped at her about it and now she tries to stop herself in my presence but it's so bloody ingrained she usually just prefaces it with "now I know you don't like discussing weight but..."

I was thinking that I had never come across this, and then I remembered that years ago when I worked in a pub there was an elderly couple that came in every week and every time he would order a sandwich with 'a few chips. 6 chips. No more!' and boy would he go on about it! I remember once he accidently got 7 chips (yes, honestly!) and he made a right fuss. The barman was so exasperated he nearly reached over and ate one to solve the issue!

My mother and her sister were both this way. Whatever the serving size, they wanted half. I think their mother had taught them this "habit" to maintain weight - they were both skinny, bordering on unhealthy.
As they got older, it got worse. If I served half a sandwich, then they had to cut it in half, eat a fourth of it and offer it around to everyone else - particularly the children. "This is too much, I can't eat it. Here, you eat it. Children need all the food they can get." Maybe a holdover from the Depression?

Asking for a small portion of something is fine, implying that everyone else is a greedy glutton whilst doing so is not fine. People who do this are extremely irritating.

My DH is very “oh that’s too much” and once he’s had (eg) a burger in a bun for lunch (no salad, you understand) then he can only “manage” treacle sponge and custard for his tea, I just get on with my own routine and trough the veg/lentils/pitta bread/ spicy chicken salad I prefer

My DH always, always asks for “just half a cup”.

I always, always ask him “top half or bottom half?”

We’re equally irritating

@HumphreyCobblers

Asking for a small portion of something is fine, implying that everyone else is a greedy glutton whilst doing so is not fine. People who do this are extremely irritating.

^ this. Especially when all you are eating is a whole sandwich for a 400ml tin of soup. That isn't glutinous. It's just the portion size 🙄

My MIL was like this until I actually served her the portion she usually demanded and then she complained I was starving her.

The first time I went to stay I was ridiculously hungry. Food was always served at least 2 hours after normal meal times no matter what had been previously stated.

From then on I would always take a stash of snacks and have to hide to eat them before being served a somewhat interesting meal.

She was also confused that the children would need to eat three meals a day and that just because she didn't get up and have breakfast until 10.30 it didn't mean the toddlers could wait until 3pm for lunch as they, and I, had been up since 6am.

Arghh 'or' 400ml of soup.