Page 6 | AIBU: the half-cup of tea brigade

1forAll74 · 01/10/2021 02:56

You perhaps don't know, but this kind of attitude regarding having a very small portion of food, and a half a cup of a drink, as in tea, was a very common happening with mainly older people in the war years when things were rationed. You had to eke the food out, to last for a few more days, and the loose leafed tea too. You may not have to do this now, but old habits stay with some people, including me ! I remember my late Mum, if she was lucky enough to get a packet of rich tea biscuits whatever, she said the packet had to last the family for a week. You could sometimes get a paper bag full of broken biscuits from some shops.It was quite good when my Mum brought these home, as it looked like we had loads of biscuits to eat then.

myadhdusername · 01/10/2021 03:02

Totally agree that a big part of this has to be I am better than you because I eat less than you.

The fact that it’s mainly women tells us everything we need to know.

So bloody irritating though isn’t it?

Half the time they’re also the same people who try to insistently force food down your throat - most likely to reiterate my first sentence by proving how much you do eat in comparison to how little they eat. I know it sounds as if I am almost doing the same thing by not wanting something but for example I’m not a big tea drinker and every time I go to my PILs it’s constant ‘do you want a cup of tea? tea? are you not having tea?’ and they just can’t seem to accept I don’t want any!

myadhdusername · 01/10/2021 03:05

@1forAll74 your post seems quite patronising. Of course the OP knows things were rationed during the war!!!

I agree for a certain age group it probably stems from that (especially when it’s men) and quite possibly OPs MIL fits the age group but women in their 50/60s are not harking back to their days with the ration book surely?!

mathanxiety · 01/10/2021 03:22

It's nothing to do with rationing.

Your MIL was doing the 1950s version of female virtue signalling.

Women of a certain age were taught that a hearty appetite was unfeminine, and consuming full portions of anything marked them as uncouth, with out of control appetites. This was related to sexual appetites. A half cup of tea, half a boiled egg, half a slice of toast, or whatever, loudly announced as such, meant she was a good girl.

My mother goes on and on about 'rich' food.

mathanxiety · 01/10/2021 03:24

...the particular shade of delicacy to which we have enslaved her...

YY to CS Lewis - slaves to 'delicacy' hits the nail on the head.

mathanxiety · 01/10/2021 03:35

@Crikeycroc, your account rings many bells.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/10/2021 03:38

@Si1ver

My parents have taken the whole "half a cup" thing to extremes and now only have severely TINY cups in their house. Getting a decent sized cup of tea at their place is a sodding nightmare.

Have your own mug that lives there. I have a special "large" glass at my MIL's because I couldn't cope with the thimble fulls of liquid in their house, it made me feel quite ill after a while.

Newestname002 · 01/10/2021 05:04

@LittleBearPad

So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard

You utter star OP.

Hear! Hear! This made me laugh out loud🤣🤣!!

Twernip · 01/10/2021 05:07

@WeatherwaxLives Was the pub based in East Sussex? My Dad ALWAYS asked for six chips when he and Mum had lunch at their local!

JustRambling · 01/10/2021 05:07

[quote myadhdusername]@1forAll74 your post seems quite patronising. Of course the OP knows things were rationed during the war!!!

I agree for a certain age group it probably stems from that (especially when it’s men) and quite possibly OPs MIL fits the age group but women in their 50/60s are not harking back to their days with the ration book surely?![/quote]
Not necessarily "harking back to their days with the ration book" but possibly brought up with tea from the teapot (no teabags) and always into teacups where perfectly normal to ask for half a cup.

Also being made to "clear your plate of food" because "children in Africa" were starving.

onelittlefrog · 01/10/2021 05:13

Maybe a need to be seen to be having less than others, down to body image issues/ disordered eating or similar.

There could also be a hangover from a war mentality and not wanting to be wasteful.

I know that it seems silly to think of wasting half a cup of tea as it is just extra water, but some (particularly older) people would think this way.

Your DP's grief reaction also sounds extreme but that is sometimes how grief works and it can catch us unpredictably.

SnackSizeRaisin · 01/10/2021 05:13

Clearly it's nothing to do with the war. Hot water wasn't rationed . A more common response is to hate waste and eat what you're given without complaining. Plus anyone below 70 didn't experience rationing as it ended mid 50s.

It's a form of control, and a way of feeling virtuous. And in the case of half a cup of tea, a response to bladder issues.
What annoys me is people who won't eat things because they are allergic (making a big fuss about their disgusting symptoms) but then do actually eat those things when they feel like it. E.g. can't eat milk (reaction to food fried in butter) but will have ice cream.

Goatinthegarden · 01/10/2021 05:16

My PILs both have very disordered eating. MIL is a tiny, frail little thing who takes delight in eating the least and commenting loudly on it. Her new favourite thing to do is order Indian takeaway for everyone and then go on about how she can’t handle anything hot and will sit on the fringes eating a teaspoon of a korma and making a fuss about the heat and the size of the portions.

FIL says he has developed intolerances to everything, refuses to partake in the curry eating and just sits at the table watching us eat (having made a spectacle of just having something beige and boring hours earlier). He talks about his intolerances non stop.

I’ve watched him shovelling the leftovers down in the kitchen after when he thinks no one is looking. He also says he has a serious gluten allergy but will happily forget about it for a cake or biscuit that he quite fancies.

It’s all very bizarre.

Blessex · 01/10/2021 06:00

Insomnia so read the whole thread. Haven’t ever encountered this but it really is a thing isn’t it!!!

purplesequins · 01/10/2021 06:11

my mil is lovely

but my mother is like that as well (but eats masses of food secretly). for her if's a control thing. control over others is is.

our solution at home is to leave drinks and food out and everyone serves themselves.
mentioning it in any form would result in her screaming at you.

Bonnieonthelam · 01/10/2021 06:18

@Shedbuilder

My late MIL used to turn every offer of a cup of tea or a biscuit or sandwich into a major performance. Just half a cup/ half a biscuit / a quarter of a sandwich not a drop or crumb more because 'I can't manage any more than half a cup yada yada yada...' Everyone knew she had a small appetite so we automatically gave her tiny portions — but if you were foolish enough to ask her if she'd like something to eat or drink you'd get the full performance. And once you delivered the tea/ biscuit/ sandwich there'd be a cheery telling-off. 'Oooh, this is far too much. Call this half a cup? I could drown in this sea of tea...' So no matter what you did with the intention of being kind and supportive, you were always in the wrong.

It irritated everyone, even though her family all loved her to bits. This evening I offered my DP some leftover apple crumble and got the full MIL treatment. 'Just a tiny bit: think half of what you'd have and then halve that. And don't go drowning it in custard, I know what you're like with custard...' So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard and as I set it down in front of DP I said jokingly 'You're turning into your mother!' Cue a huge row about me insulting the sacred memory of MIL and doors slamming.

What's the half-cup-of-tea things really about? I have no problem at all with someone saying they're not very hungry, they'll just have a mouthful of whatever. Or a small cup of tea. But there's a point at which it slips into controlling behaviour. Or AIBU?

PS Perhaps I should add that my DP isn't on a diet or anything.

She was being unreasonable for her portions. Your husband was ridiculous for throwing a strop, YADNBU. I hate the half this and that brigade. They always cause spillages and mess having to reduce human sized portions into doll sized one. I know many a bitch who does this.

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2021 06:24

It does seem like a form of internalised misogyny; trying to compete to eat the least in the room and deriving virtue from hunger

I like the CS Lewis quote

user1486915549 · 01/10/2021 06:32

To those saying leave the food you don’t want…..
I was a child in the 1950’s in a very poor household.
Wasting food was a grievous sin , and led to lectures about children starving in Africa.
If you had school dinners you were not allowed to leave any. You were left sitting in front of your plate until it was finished
So I do think it’s a generation thing
I can’t, to this day , leave food

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2021 06:42

Virtue signalling.

'I'm so slim, so careful, so self-controlled, so parsimonious'

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/10/2021 07:00

How long ago did your MIL die? My DM died in July and I can’t yet imagine a time when I’d be ok about DH mocking her (even slightly and in fun). Especially if it was to do with a trait that, when she was alive, people found irritating. Especially that.

What you describe is extremely annoying, but given your MIL is dead I’d really avoid the teasing comparisons. The serving of the dessert in an egg cup was amusing. You didn’t need to link it to his DM.

Onandoff · 01/10/2021 07:01

@lottiegarbanzo

Virtue signalling.

'I'm so slim, so careful, so self-controlled, so parsimonious'

100% this. It’s nowt to do with wartime rationing. Hot water wasn’t bloody rationed was it. I’m old enough to have plenty of (now dead) relatives who were adults in the war and they all ate normally.

It’s misogyny, virtual signalling, disordered eating. The type of women who do this are normally those smug “I’m teeny tiny me” types. Everyone has to witness the superior control they have.

SMBH · 01/10/2021 07:09

My great grandmother was like this from well before the war (according to my grandmother)

Congressdingo · 01/10/2021 07:23

I'm sadly more of a sturdy carthorse myself, and my splendid crumble and custard-making skills don't help matters

How splendid exactly? Like my grandma used to make splendid or sleb TV chef splendid?

If it's like my grandma I'm on my way, I can eat a lot of food. Hth

FizzyTango · 01/10/2021 07:32

I always ask for a half cup because I have a stupidly small bladder. I didn’t realise this was irritating 😁😁. Maybe I’ll just say yes next time and leave the tea I can’t drink!

Darkchocolateandcoffee · 01/10/2021 07:34

Hahaha OP I feel for you. I am rude about my inlaws to my DH sometimes as they get a bit like this and it is PAINFUL!

But at least my DH doesn't flounce off though. And he gives as good as he gets re: mine.