AIBU: the half-cup of tea brigade

[Shedbuilder]

My late MIL used to turn every offer of a cup of tea or a biscuit or sandwich into a major performance. Just half a cup/ half a biscuit / a quarter of a sandwich not a drop or crumb more because 'I can't manage any more than half a cup yada yada yada...' Everyone knew she had a small appetite so we automatically gave her tiny portions — but if you were foolish enough to ask her if she'd like something to eat or drink you'd get the full performance. And once you delivered the tea/ biscuit/ sandwich there'd be a cheery telling-off. 'Oooh, this is far too much. Call this half a cup? I could drown in this sea of tea...' So no matter what you did with the intention of being kind and supportive, you were always in the wrong.

It irritated everyone, even though her family all loved her to bits. This evening I offered my DP some leftover apple crumble and got the full MIL treatment. 'Just a tiny bit: think half of what you'd have and then halve that. And don't go drowning it in custard, I know what you're like with custard...' So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard and as I set it down in front of DP I said jokingly 'You're turning into your mother!' Cue a huge row about me insulting the sacred memory of MIL and doors slamming.

What's the half-cup-of-tea things really about? I have no problem at all with someone saying they're not very hungry, they'll just have a mouthful of whatever. Or a small cup of tea. But there's a point at which it slips into controlling behaviour. Or AIBU?

PS Perhaps I should add that my DP isn't on a diet or anything.

Indeed. Eat what you like. Be a good host to your guests. No need for a massive performance about what or how much you, or anyone else eats. That is the point.

My Grandad always used to say "just half" if you offered him a second cup of tea. He always drank the full one though.

His sister bought him a cup that was actually half a tea cup (I.e. with one flat edge) so it's obviously common for such a thing to exist

Did you not know that when someone dies they instantly become a Saint. No matter how awful they were in real life.....

This was a family member's. They passed away last year and I had such fond memories of it when I was a child I had to keep it ❤️

@caketiger

Did you not know that when someone dies they instantly become a Saint. No matter how awful they were in real life.....

Ha! yes.

The way people speak of my mother - it’s like living in a parallel universe.

I always tell my children to remember I was a cantankerous dickhead, don’t remember me a the lovely person I wasn’t 😁

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Some posters are missing the point that it isn't in any way small appetites or bladder weakness which are annoying, its the attention seeking fuss and drama and the shaming of women who don't join in the "I couldn't possibly drink a whole cup of tea, any hint of having an appetite would be unbecomingly masculine or greedy!" performance.

Yes! Totally this.

If someone has a bladder weakness, why make that their hosts problem? All this "half cup" nonsense , just moderate yourself, drink half the tea and leave the rest. Teabags aren't new, they've been around decades! I've never made loose leaf tea in a teapot in my entire life.

Ditto those with issues from childhood about not wasting food. Those are their issues so why try to transfer them onto their host? It's blooming rude making out people have done something wrong, when all they've done is offered an ordinary amount of food.

Sometimes people need to look around and realise the world has changed. It's common knowledge these days that only eating as much as you want to and leaving the rest is fine. If a host does find that annoying, they'll know for next time that that guest doesn't have a large appetite, so they can feed them smaller quantities to avoid waste. There's absolutely no need for all the posturing that goes on around it from the person who isn't very hungry. Especially if it really is all an act and they're later caught stuffing their faces when they think nobody's looking!

My grandmother is a bit like this - increasingly so as she gets older - and it is sometimes quite irritating.

She's struggling to maintain her weight, so it's really important that she eats healthy, nutritious meals. But if I serve her a meal she is always surreptitiously checking how much everyone else is having and making sure she has less. If it's just the two of us it's particularly hard, because I have to serve myself more than I actually want to make sure she has anywhere near enough. If it's a big family meal she usually relaxes a bit because she can see all of us having a normal sized portion so feels comfortable to have something only slightly smaller.

The funny thing is that if we go out for coffee and cake somewhere, she'd be horrified at the idea of eating a whole slice , but if you buy two different ones and cut them both in half she'll happily have both halves.

I think it's about not looking greedy for her. She's talked about going to restaurants with my grandad when they were younger and she would always be served a smaller, lower quality portion than him. She hated that, but I think the social conditioning that a woman should be self-effacing and self sacrificing and not want things is deeply ingrained.

My mum isn't a food martyr and gets really irritated about my grandma's fussing. Unfortunately she's like this with just about everything else ("Oh I don't mind at all ... Whatever works best for you ... We can just fit in with you ... oh no, that's completely fine ...") My God it's annoying - Have an opinion. Have a preference. The world isn't going to end because you dare to set a boundary. And it's not actually helpful or kind to do this all the time - it just pushes all the work of planning and all the emotional labour of making sure everything is okay onto someone else.

"Oh I don't mind at all ... Whatever works best for you ... We can just fit in with you ... oh no, that's completely fine ...") My God it's annoying - Have an opinion. Have a preference. The world isn't going to end because you dare to set a boundary.

Yes, this is my Dad.

It’s all for attention with him though. Because actually, he is manipulative and demanding. But putting on a frail voice and saying “I don’t want to be any trouble, what ever is easiest for you”, deflects from that.

He’s particularly fond of doing that around strangers/dh family, so that when I’m in tears over his nastiness they will think I’m the arsehole, as all they see is the little old man who won’t say boo to a goose.

So manipulative.

@lottiegarbanzo

Indeed. Eat what you like. Be a good host to your guests. No need for a massive performance about what or how much you, or anyone else eats. That is the point.

Yup, a big attention seeking drama with a side order of judginess at women that aren't as dainty and thin as them. My MIL's crowning achievement is being thin. Honestly, a woman could find the cure for cancer and my MIL would comment she was 'a bit stout, she needs to watch herself' with the smugness of the perpetually underfed.

@HeadNorth my mil is the same. Staying the same dress size all her life is her main glory - she will offer that up before mentioning anything else, even her children,

She once said she’s glad i’m plump as she doesn’t have to compete with me. Ok, weirdo.

@Siriisatwat annoyingly for my MIL, I am both slim and I eat (I love to exercise) - which is just as well or she could have given me a right complex over the years. I just find it so sad that her main goal and victory in life is to be the thinnest person in the room - and make sure everyone notices, too. I think she has spent her life as a 'functional anorexic' and it is playing havoc with her body now she is in her 70s.

I also notice the generational thing in the response to simple questions. This is a typical conversation with my in laws when they come over.

Me: can I get you a drink MIL? Tea? Coffee? Water?
MIL: oh I don’t know love, whatever is easiest
Me: well they are all easy for me to make, what would you like?
MIL: (says name of) FIL, what are you going to have?
FIL: I don’t know. What are you going to have?
MIL: maybe a coffee? But only if you’re having one
FIL: well I was going to have tea
MIL: well I better have the same
Me: mil, I’m happy to make you whatever you’d like. What will you have?
Mil: oh I’ll have a tea, just a small one mind. Shall I make it?
Me: no, it’s fine. Not a problem. Ok. So two teas
FIL: actually I’ll have a coffee if that’s ok
Me: sure, what type would you like [we have a machine, have done for yonks]
Fil: er, I don’t mind
Me: a latte?
Mil: no, we’ll just have instant
Me: I thought you wanted tea
Mil: well I’ll have coffee if fil is having one
Me: honestly it’s as easy for me to make you a latte as it is instant
Mil: ok then. A latte then. For you too fil?
Fil: alright then, yes please.
Me: ok, 2 lattes then.

Spoiler alert. They always have 2 lattes. We just do this dance every time. I realise I should probably just preempt it and say “2 lattes as usual then?”

They are both lovely people and hate to put people out. My mil especially is a perennial helper.

But they don’t seem to realise that what would be helpful is to just simply tell me what they would like to drink when I offer!!

[quote HeadNorth]@Siriisatwat annoyingly for my MIL, I am both slim and I eat (I love to exercise) - which is just as well or she could have given me a right complex over the years. I just find it so sad that her main goal and victory in life is to be the thinnest person in the room - and make sure everyone notices, too. I think she has spent her life as a 'functional anorexic' and it is playing havoc with her body now she is in her 70s.[/quote]
Yes, mine too.

She’s been told a few times by doctors that she should gain a little weight now she’s 70. That horrified her.

But they don’t seem to realise that what would be helpful is to just simply tell me what they would like to drink when I offer!!

True master-level “oh I don’t mind”-ing is doing it with takeaway menus. “Oh, I don’t mind, whatever’s easiest.” JUST PICK ONE I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ARGH!

My DH once responded to my request for a drop of wine by literally gracing the bottom of the wine glass with a dribble I know what you mean though.

My dm only ever tells us the food she dislikes (usually when we are ordering or eating and even when I am hosting and often when she is serving and eating something herself so she actually picked it and doesn't like it).
I have NO idea what food she actually likes as have never heard her in 50 years say she enjoyed a meal or fancies something.
Its so f*king miserable. It winds me up no end. She also always has to order the cheapest thing. Then moans it wasn't very nice.
I love food. Nigel slater has a book called Toast and it really resonated. Its about just this. I've spent my whole adult life enjoying food. I love cooking and eating. It makes me so happy.

I no longer accept 'don't mind'

My MIL always complains that I put too much on. I just tell her not to eat it then but she always does.

If I feel very particular about the amount of food I want, I go and cut the slice / make the drink myself! Sounds a bit irritating.

I was going to ask you, but you have confirmed, that your MIL was Irish.
Every second woman over 50, in Ireland, is like that.
Mrs Doyle wasn't a caricature, I've seen worse in real life.

Thinking a bit about this thread while I've been at work and realised although different I do have the most annoying relative ever.
I could take her to a greasy spoon or claridge's and any place inbetween and there will always without fail be something wrong.

Too salty
Too watery
They didnt cook the rice enough
Carrots hard
Carrots overcooked
Peas like bullets
Who puts cauliflower cheese with x
Why would anyone put grated carrots in this, I've never heard of it before.
Etc
And then other times she tells me about a fab new place shes been , so I take her a week or two later and its utter shite. And she then says OMG it was fabulous two weeks ago, wonder what happened.

She is however lovely and has a wicked sense of humour so I forgive her and only see her once a month.

My DM comments on everyones food. I think its something to do with always being larger (18) and then the past 5 years, being a size 8. "Oooh I couldnt eat all that" when youre eating a kit kat for example. She comments on what my (slim, tall, hollow legged teenage) children eat, constantly, even if its fruit she will tell them the sugar content of what theyre eating and how much their body needs to function. If you go for lunch she will order soup or a sandwich, a normal light lunch with no side fries or anything. She will eat half of it and then repeat "ooh I wont eat again today now. thats enough for me. I wont eat again".

Im 70% sure shes fat shaming us and making herself feel superior (im a very happy size 10-12 and have never publicly dieted) as shes so small and petite. 30% sure she is just trying to convince herself of the fact shes full and doesnt need to eat again. But I know that later that evening she will eat toast or a sandwich, so its a completely pointless statement.

Every time I make my mum a cuppa, regardless of how much is in the cup, she tells me it's too much and asks me to pour some out. Drives me batty.

My (late) mother would do the 'oooooh I couldn't possibly manage all that'... She'd say that over a McDonalds hamburger fgs.

I don't know if it had always been there lurking in the background, as I never saw any sign of it growing up, she was always on at me about my weight but that was generally about sweets/sugar/desserts/snacks between meals - no issues ever over portion sizes at actual meal times.

However in her later years (bearing in mind, alcoholism won it's battle when she was just 63) she would cover up for the fact she felt sick all the time with 'ooh I couldn't possibly manage' and 'thats FAR too much food for ANYONE.. who could POSSIBLY eat all that' and I think such ideas had always been there.. but well hidden. Alcoholism and of course, making herself feel better and hide what was going on by making out that I'M the pig... brought it to the fore.

My father is... irritating, in that he will go on and on and on about how disgusting gross indulgent, piggish, revolting etc, something is (some sort of cake or dessert usually). But if you handed him a bowl of it or a slice of it, he will absolutely woof the lot.

His main aim appears to be to try to guilt whoever it is into handing over their pudding so he can eat it, but if you offer him some of his own he will refuse and say he doesn't want any. He only wants it if he has succeeded in making someone else feel bad, or taken something that was for someone else (he will also scarf down all of something from his fridge IF he suspects it was left there by mistake and wasn't actually meant for him).

No idea where that comes from, he was a toddler when rationing ended, his parents had plenty, his mother and his auntie who he spent a lot of time with as both child and adult, could eat for Britain, meals out with her took a long time as she wasn't fast but she could pack away a dinner. Carvery restaurants quaked in fear of her capacity. Then we'd be off back to hers and within half an hour the home made biscuits and cakes would come out (which Father never refused!)

Eat or don't eat it, eat what you like, I don't like thoughtless waste but I wouldn't want someone to stuff themselves to discomfort levels purely because its on their plate either.

YANBU. I have the opposite problem with my MIL. She watches me like a hawk when I'm cutting her a slice of cake and her eyes narrow if it's any smaller than a house brick. When we're at her house, she shoves a plate of cake and biscuits onto my lap and gets really pissed off if I leave anything. Don't get me wrong, I can scoff an epic amount of cake, but her portions always defeat me. Sometimes I don't take any cake or biscuits just to wind her up!! She hates that.