AIBU: the half-cup of tea brigade

[Shedbuilder]

My late MIL used to turn every offer of a cup of tea or a biscuit or sandwich into a major performance. Just half a cup/ half a biscuit / a quarter of a sandwich not a drop or crumb more because 'I can't manage any more than half a cup yada yada yada...' Everyone knew she had a small appetite so we automatically gave her tiny portions — but if you were foolish enough to ask her if she'd like something to eat or drink you'd get the full performance. And once you delivered the tea/ biscuit/ sandwich there'd be a cheery telling-off. 'Oooh, this is far too much. Call this half a cup? I could drown in this sea of tea...' So no matter what you did with the intention of being kind and supportive, you were always in the wrong.

It irritated everyone, even though her family all loved her to bits. This evening I offered my DP some leftover apple crumble and got the full MIL treatment. 'Just a tiny bit: think half of what you'd have and then halve that. And don't go drowning it in custard, I know what you're like with custard...' So I served a teaspoonful of apple crumble in an eggcup with a tiny blob of custard and as I set it down in front of DP I said jokingly 'You're turning into your mother!' Cue a huge row about me insulting the sacred memory of MIL and doors slamming.

What's the half-cup-of-tea things really about? I have no problem at all with someone saying they're not very hungry, they'll just have a mouthful of whatever. Or a small cup of tea. But there's a point at which it slips into controlling behaviour. Or AIBU?

PS Perhaps I should add that my DP isn't on a diet or anything.

The ‘half a cup’ used to annoy me, too! It’s a small cup with the same amount of effort required as a large cup! Do not play down the effort required in making it and clearing it up!
And half a crumpet, a small choc ice, half an apple. I guess it was a way of punctuating the boredom…

My mother grew up in rural Scotland in the 1950s. Safe to say her attitude about not wasting food and only eating what you needed had nothing to do with virtue signalling.

In the 1950s, 'only eating what you needed' was a very gendered concept reflecting the prioritising of women's appearance over health, and the prioritising of complete control over appetites of all kinds which was a feature of life in more repressed times.

My mother had a net weight loss of several pounds after both of my sisters were born in the 60s. She fit straight back into her pre-pregnancy summer dresses when she returned from the hospital. She tried breastfeeding but had supply issues, to nobody's surprise.

I have a MIL that models herself on a Bernard Manning sketch, she can suck the joy out of any situation and makes everything a chore.

I empathise with you about the lack of criticism, I have to do a lot of tongue biting too.

@1forAll74

You perhaps don't know, but this kind of attitude regarding having a very small portion of food, and a half a cup of a drink, as in tea, was a very common happening with mainly older people in the war years when things were rationed. You had to eke the food out, to last for a few more days, and the loose leafed tea too. You may not have to do this now, but old habits stay with some people, including me ! I remember my late Mum, if she was lucky enough to get a packet of rich tea biscuits whatever, she said the packet had to last the family for a week. You could sometimes get a paper bag full of broken biscuits from some shops.It was quite good when my Mum brought these home, as it looked like we had loads of biscuits to eat then.

My nana was 6 and my grandad 7 when the war started. Nana is 88 and grandad has been dead for 5 years now. I doubt there are actually many people alive nowadays who experienced rationing.

@elQuintoConyo

No idea if yabu/yanbu but you made me laughter-bark at the TV at the eggcup of apple crumble priceless!

Me too

My mum claims to remember rationing although she would only have been 4 at the time it ended. I imagine that mindset took a while to pass though.

She is a classic competitive under-eater; so much of this thread is familiar. The horror of having TOO MUCH on her plate. The insistence that a slightly more generous lunch will mean no-one needs to eat again until morning, or possibly for the next few days. An oft-repeated lament about a cafe that sold open sandwiches which were "just perfect, because two slices of bread is far too much for anyone." Constant (loudly expressed) astonishment that anyone can manage more than a mouthful of anything.

And yet... she has three overweight children who have all struggled with eating throughout their lives. Of course we are all adults now so have to take responsibility for our own health, but I do remember enormous portions being served, seconds always available, always a hot pudding, homemade cake every week, cupboards of crisps and snacks. It's hard to get out of that mindset and the need to feel full.

She ate meal-replacement biscuits quite often while we shovelled down pasta. As soon as I manage to get slimmer than a size 16 she is alarmed about my health, yet she has always been slim.

She also has developed a thing for "leaving a little on the plate" to show your host that they have served you sufficient food. She claims that she was brought up to do this and expresses surprise that we do not do the same. Pretty sure we weren't allowed to leave the table without finishing our plates!

I doubt there are actually many people alive nowadays who experienced rationing

It didn't end until 1954. That means around eight and three quarter million people today who grew up experiencing it - and not all of their parents would have been able or willing to change their behaviour overnight when it ended.

@greenleader I had loads of thoughts on this thread, and you just encapsulated all of them with that excellent quote. 😁

@Shedbuilder I am (and always have been) a black tea drinker and often ask for a dash of cold water, or it's too hot to drink! This feels like a lot less hassle to me than figuring out milk and how many sugars everyone wants - I hope people don't think I'm fussy!
With the hot water, hot water may not have been rationed but during the war it would have been heated by coal, which would have been costly and people would have tried to use as little as possible. As an extreme example, in the 80s I had a step-grandmother who was an actual ogre, my prevailing memory of her is her making me stand in the bathtub shivering laboriously drying every inch of my body with a tiny flannel before I was allowed a towel. I never understood the point of this - to save on washing/drying of towels maybe? It felt (and I still vividly remember my 8 year old fury) completely pointless and barbaric.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I doubt there are actually many people alive nowadays who experienced rationing

It didn't end until 1954. That means around eight and three quarter million people today who grew up experiencing it - and not all of their parents would have been able or willing to change their behaviour overnight when it ended.

This. And also it didn't mean that there were huge piles of food around to purchase (even if the average family could afford it). Nor was there a great variety. Fresh meat was scarce, fruit generally only apples and oranges, no butter (margarine only), mainly basic root vegetables and as for chicken - a luxury item!

Rationing went on into the 50s, so there are loads of people around who will remember it. My parents remember it.

Rationing isn’t the reason for this behaviour though.

@SMBH

Rationing isn’t the reason for this behaviour though.

You're quite right, I don't think it is. I was just mentioning that as someone upthread said there weren't many people around who remember rationing, and I think most people over 75 will remember it very clearly.

I can imagine it’s annoying when actually faced with this behaviour but I did find your post quite amusing, particularly the part about drowning in this sea of tea .