Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

To want to get married after 11 years together and 1 child?

93 replies

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:49

Am I?

My dp is dead against the idea & always has been. Sample of his argument: 'what is the point... its just a piece of paper... uneccesary fuss and expense...blah blah'. But I want to get married and always have.

This row flares up every time someone we know gets married (like his best friend who has just announced his wedding & prompted this latest row).

Would make my life a lot happier if I could just accept the situation, but I hate the fact that he dosent want to marry me.

Its really boring to keep rowing about the same thing- but we just seem to be stuck.

Today he said he would 'just to stop the nagging' and that I'm making his life a misery. I told him he was emotianally retarded and he could poke his very romantic offer.

Argh! Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:

Report

moondog · 06/12/2007 22:38

Why did yuo 'take his name' Paula??

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:39

why dont you all campaign for co habitees rights rather than succumbing to what the 'state' says you should do?

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:40

not wanting abusive pparents name

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:40

but as an aside from that i have surpiresed myself by LOVING having his name albeit as a Miss

moondog · 06/12/2007 22:41

Oh I see.
Why did it take you so long?

southeastastra · 06/12/2007 22:41

don't you just have to make dp's get a will?

fishie · 06/12/2007 22:41

i really thought i might 'take' dh's name as mine is not easy to say over the phone. but when it came to it i just can't. that is a whole other person, that woman with a different surname. not me.

do like new ring, jewellery opportunity was a big motivating factor.

moondog · 06/12/2007 22:42

Fishie,you have just married I take it?
(In Oz?)
Congratulations!

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:43

just never really considered it - plus his name very very very ordinary!!!pure vanity !
did it suddenly on a whim - my next door neighbour was a solicitor and after hearing my life story said 'ooh get rid' she drew up a document and brought it round!

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:44

I have had dp's name 2 years now and am still in honeymoon period ( as close as i will het to one) I love it!

LyraSilvertinsel · 06/12/2007 22:44

DP is another one resisting getting married. he comes up with different excuses. He was scared out of marriage when one of his colleagues got divorced and the wife got the children, the house, everything and the colleague was left with practically nothing.
DP has made a will leaving everything to me if he dies (so he says ) but I'll have to check out the pension situation.
I've also taken DP's name, mainly because it's also my children's name and I didn't like having a different name to them.

TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:45

oooo I have a stalker!!! [palpitates with excitement]

Good luck glitterkitty. As others have said it is possible to sort things out without getting married but it is much more complicated and takes a solicitor (and possibly an accountant) to do it properly. There are lots of things he may not have thought of - like if either of you have a pension and dies it probably pays out a lump sum. If you are married your husband/wife automatically gets that (and in some circumstances a widow's pension as well) but if you are not married you have to actively seek for your partner to be registered as the beneficiary and even then they may not receive all the same benefits.

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:45

Hi Fishie I have asked about 100 million times and have never got an answer- over the years I have deduced that:

He dosent want 'a wedding' (hes quite shy would hate that attention and having to say stuff in public)

He thinks he will lose his house if we got divorced

It would cost a lot (I know this dosent have to be the case)

That is as much as I can work out. When I ask him he just says 'why do you WANT to get married?' And theres no real answer to that either.

It makes me feel like Im not good enough to marry- especially when ppl who have been together for a couple of years get married, I feel like saying 'why not me? whats wrong with meeeee?'

OP posts:

fortyplus · 06/12/2007 22:45

We married when I was pg with ds1. We'd been together 8 years already so just thought we owed it to the future child to be married - after all, that should be the BIG commitment, shouldn't it? Going and getting that little bit of paper should be the easy part!

DH was firmly of the opinion that he liked the idea of being married, but didn't want to go to the wedding!

So... we hopped off down to the Registry Office. We went to lunch with close family only and all our friends who had come down to watch went off separately for a pub lunch. Then we all got together again in the evening for a barbecue.

Very relaxed and great fun.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:46

oddly girls......for yEARS i did want it...now I am happier than ever and truly dont

LyraSilvertinsel · 06/12/2007 22:48

Glitterkitty, my DP's reasons are the same as yours. We're in exactly the same boat. I can't explain why I want to get married, but I do feel like he doesn't love me enough if he doesn't want to get married.

TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:49

interesting about the name thing - I have NOT taken DP/H's name - nothing against it but I just don't feel like it's me. I also still refer to him as my partner most of the time. Am I in denial?

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:49

Isnt it awful. And yes the not having same name as my ds bugs me too.

sigh.

I wish I didnt want it Paulasfan. But I do i do i do!

OP posts:

fortyplus · 06/12/2007 22:52

TheYoungVisiter - funnily enough I didn't start using dh's name when we got married. Then ds1 started school and everyone started calling me 'Mrs ds1's surname' and it gradually stuck. I only got around to changing the name on our joint bank account when we'd been married 11 years!

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:54

Maybe if I was thinner he would marry me. Hmm.

To be honest, I'd marry in a registry office in scunthorpe with the window cleaner as the witness if he wanted to. But he would just be doing it because I have whined and moaned and that's not a nice reason.

I think logical reasoning is the best way to go.

OP posts:

TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:54

maybe you could turn it around and ask him what his plans would be if you should split up now. Does he really want to see his baby out on the street?

If he's got no objection to sharing his assets then what's the bother about getting married?

fishie · 06/12/2007 22:54

thank you md i am very bashful about it. no not oz am london. visiter i looked into all that and it is def cheaper to get married.

gk according to yoru profile you have one baby. he (your near-fiance not your child) may not yet have got the hang of family unit, responsibilty to you and his child and is still thinking in terms of single bloke with live in girlfriend. or he might be a cad.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:58

A cad! A cad! I love it- might call him that the next row we have

Well he never went on holiday with a girl before me (at 30) never lived with a girl before me (at 36) maybe he is a very very late developer?

OP posts:

TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:58

"Maybe if I was thinner he would marry me. Hmm."

Oh Glitterkitty no!!! Don't start thinking about it like that . You are NOT being pathetic or needy wanting to put your relationship on an official footing and I'm sure his feelings are nothing to do with his love for you. I think men are so bought up to feel fear of the big white meringue that it sometimes clouds their grasp of practicalities. The way I see it, you are being really sensible in wanting to protect the interests of your child if (god forbid) anything should happen to him. Hopefully he will see it that way too.

GrinningSoul · 06/12/2007 23:02

We married after 15 years and 1 ds together, similar circumstances to you, i wanted it and he wasn't bovvered. but i kind of demonstrated to him that it mattered to me, gently and cautiously, so that eventually he went along with it and i didn't feel as though i was forcing it on him. then we did a quick registry job with 2 friends, and went and told family the w/e afterwards. good luck!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.