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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married after 11 years together and 1 child?

93 replies

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:49

Am I?

My dp is dead against the idea & always has been. Sample of his argument: 'what is the point... its just a piece of paper... uneccesary fuss and expense...blah blah'. But I want to get married and always have.

This row flares up every time someone we know gets married (like his best friend who has just announced his wedding & prompted this latest row).

Would make my life a lot happier if I could just accept the situation, but I hate the fact that he dosent want to marry me.

Its really boring to keep rowing about the same thing- but we just seem to be stuck.

Today he said he would 'just to stop the nagging' and that I'm making his life a misery. I told him he was emotianally retarded and he could poke his very romantic offer.

Argh! Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 23:02

Oh your very nice, and its true I am thinking of logical stuff like that, but also just really really want to be a mrs for no logical reason just emotional stupid thing.

I dont doubt his feelings for me. He is a good partner. And I would go without the meringue you know, if I had to. But not without a little tear in my eye.

OP posts:
GrinningSoul · 06/12/2007 23:03

and we both do feel very glad that we did. it's different somehow.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 23:04

I bet it is, grin!

I do try not to bore on about it constantly, but sometimes it just bursts out...

OP posts:
seeker · 06/12/2007 23:05

The trouble is, glitterkitty, that I know it's my choice - but it's not dp's. He would much prefer to be married - but I don't want to. And I THINK (not sure about this) that the person who doesn't want to change things gets precedence over the person who does. Does that make sense?

LyraSilvertinsel · 06/12/2007 23:10

I felt a bit sad the other day when people were talking about their weddings and someone asked what kind of wedding I'd had. I had to say I havent had one .

S1ur · 06/12/2007 23:17

I was in a similar position with my dp we've been together 10 years, with my family niggling away at him all the time, and on our tenth anniversary he proposed.
Now I get torn between feeling like it doesn't and shouldn't matter, it is just archaic and based in religion that I don't subscribe to etc... but. I do want to have the same name as my dcs and I quite like the idea of having a husband.

Shit can I still be a feminist and a socialist AND get married????

Getting married next year no big deal though, really never been into whole ceremony thing.

I think you need to figure out why its so important to you, or if you can't, tell him that you're don't knwo why but it would make you happier - which since its unlikely to make him sadder I think you have priority.

fortyplus · 07/12/2007 00:26

I think if you're the practical type and don't care about the big 'white wedding' scenario then it can all be quite fun. My dh said he'd take great delight in saying stuff like 'I've just had THE WIFE on the phone...' just to be ironic

drosophila · 07/12/2007 00:52

Hmm we have been together 18 years and despite his brother dieing and leaving a partner and two kids intestate we still haven't got married. In the back of my mind I understand the practical reason to get married but tbh I am a little phobic about marriage - if it ain't broke..... (not that we are perfect).

I also wouldn't want to marry someone I knew didn't really want to marry me.

mumof2teenboys · 07/12/2007 08:00

My oh wont marry me, we have been together for 8 years. We have been through so much s**t and stress over the last few years that I feel we can probably survive anything (touch wood)

He wont marry me because marriage 'always fails'

It makes me feel like crap to be honest, its like I'm good enough to live with, sleep with, do all the cleaning etc, just not good enough to marry.

It has caused so many rows and tears over the years. I have come to the conclusion that I'm never going to have that ring on my finger. I don't like it but what can I do? It's not a situation where there is room for compromise is it?

ninedragons · 07/12/2007 08:34

Glitterkitty's and mumof2teenboys' posts make me so sad.

If there was something I could do for my husband that made him as happy as a wedding would clearly make you, I would do it in a second. Well, I mean if it was within my gift; a DB9 would make him that happy but that's certainly not going to happen in the near future. But if his heart's desire cost sixty quid and an afternoon in the registry office? Absolutely, I would do it tomorrow.

If it's "just a piece of paper" then why on earth is he objecting so strenuously?

ernest · 07/12/2007 08:54

mumof2teenboys et al, maybe you could point out the enormous difficulties, legal, financial etc in the event of one of you dying unmarried. There's been loads of threads about this. It really gives you a lot more rights and secturity. Maybe that may help change minds? Do a mumsnet search about it, or start a thread asking this particular Q, been done before. I don't know the ins and outs, but I know makes big difference.

Sorry. I remember dh dragging his heals and was prepaed to end the relationship over it, as didn't want to never get married and for me, didn't want children unmarried (am not critising anyone that does). It is miserable isn't it? But then that was obv. pre kids. Once you've got kids together, this option is of course not so easy...

blueshoes · 07/12/2007 09:09

Glitter, I am so angry on your behalf, and others like mumof2teenboys, lyra and hotmama. I can understand your frustration.

Mumof2teenboys said it so poignantly: "It makes me feel like crap to be honest, its like I'm good enough to live with, sleep with, do all the cleaning etc, just not good enough to marry."

It means so much to you and I agree that it IS important - from whatever emotional significance and also the practical issues which arise without the legal status of marriage. Heck, marriage is for YOUR and ds' protection. You are fully entitled to WANT it and demand it - there is no need to justify.

One thing that worries me. You say the house is in his name. Are you contributing to the mortgage, do you work/have income of your own? Has he made a will?

TheStepfordChav · 07/12/2007 09:12

It's not 'just a piece of paper' any more than a birth is 'just a piece of paper' or a funeral is (you get the drift).

Try to find out exactly what his objections are. My DH confessed, after years of nagging, to be embarrassment at standing up in front of his parents & stating love for me!

After 13 years living together I gave him an ultimatum, marry me or lose me. He saw I was serious, & gave in. We had a low-key ceremony & big party & he was fine with it, and it really gave our relationship a boost; also kind of made it more of a commitment on both sides.

I know the option of 'marry me or I'm off' isnt there if you have dch, but maybe if he realises how good it'll be for both of you (all of you?) he'll give in. Keep trying, and good luck!

iwantacoolchristmasnickname · 07/12/2007 09:16

I believe that, should you die, his paternal rights over the child are less than say, your parents if they should wish to step in and bring up the child. Not sure if that's right but please check it out...both of your rights should either of you die!!

You are not being unreasonable. And its not emotionally silly,......... you would be honoured and flattered by him making a public committment to you (albeit in the reg office with a passer by as witness),why not? you would be proud to use his name and your son's name, you would feel it's a positive step...it would make you happy, ...you deserve to be made happy...etc....... Do not be ashamed of the way you feel about this matter. Hold your head up high..

TheStepfordChav · 07/12/2007 09:19

Can you have a word with the friend who's getting married, put in a word about how it's no prob/a good idea/you get loads of presents?

Has anyone mentioned all the presents?
And so much goodwill flowing your way - is good for the relationship.

sfxmum · 07/12/2007 09:21

to glitterkitty

we never wanted to get married and have been together since 95. In 2001 I got pregnant and he mentioned marriage which I thought was silly, then I mc. by then I had researched more about the legal side of things. like parental responsibility, property rights, pensions, next of kin etc.
we got married the following year simple civil ceremony, never wanted white bride business.

although not part of the original plan we both felt it was an important step, pretty much only realising that as we did the deed. have no regrets

but you do mention that the house is in his name only, I would sort that out sharpish.

Dropdeadfred · 07/12/2007 09:22

My DP proposed out of the blue after 10 years together and when our dd was nearly 2.

I think you have to ask him what exacttly he's worried about. Does he think he feels younger not being narried? does he fear your realtionship will change?

Also, does he know your financial position, should god forbid something happened to either one of you, is not as secure as when you are a married couple?

BroccoliSpears · 07/12/2007 09:44

Slight tangent: Not being married doesn't necessarily mean that you're scuppered should one of you die. DP and I have been together 10 years, one child (and expecting a second). We jointly own our house. We have comprehensive joint wills. I have legally given him parental rights over our child. We have ensured that should the worst happen, there would be no complications either financially or in the care of our daughter or any subsequent children.

Our families used to be quite upset about our reluctance to get married - they explained that it seemed to them as though we weren't really committed to each other. When we told them about the measures we have taken they were much happier. Although they did point out it probably would have been easier to just get married .

CarGirl · 07/12/2007 09:49

Before we got married what upset/hurt me the most that he didn't want to marry me - errr like am I not good enough for you????? A big part for dh is that he didn't want a wedding although he was happy to be married to me. We sort of already considered ourselves married - joint mortgage and 3 dds together. It was compromise all along - I never got the proposal or the big white wedding - we did get married in church though because I attend church IYSWIM and that was an important thing to me. If we had gone done the registry office route I told him it would be jeans no invites etc etc etc. Tbh I don't think I would have ever forgiven him for not being prepared to demonstrate to others how much we (me and our dd's) mean to him and for him to make those promises to me (and me to him).

I don't know how you sort it but I would not be happy having children with someone and not having the mortgage/house in joint names.....

Dropdeadfred · 07/12/2007 09:49

Broccoli, would you get a widows pension from the state if your DP dies ?(god forbid...I hate even saying things like that)

yomellamoHelly · 07/12/2007 09:50

My dh and I had been together 10 years when we got married. By the time he proposed I'd given up on the idea tbh. So I was totally shocked and had to ask him if he'd been serious the next day. I only started getting excited once he began saying right we should phone xxx and tell them. I hadn't realised how much it meant to me until then.
I think part of it may have been dh not wanting to limit his options. For him it was like shutting a door on his "care-free" youth and for ages he didn't want to. Then he went on a conference with a load of friends. At the end they had a few days free to do some fun things and he kept thinking how he wasn't enjoying it properly because I should have been there (because I would have loved it). And that was the point that actually he realised that the future for him had me in it all the time and that that future together cold be a lot of fun - "commitment" aside, iyswim.
So apart from talking about the legal/financial reasons maybe your dp could do with a reminder of all the ace times you've had together over the years and of those times apart and how great it was to see each other again. (I can be quite mushy at times!) And maybe talk about some ideas for the future and get him to see how you share them and how together you can achieve more than singly.
Anyway... to answer the question YANBU. To me marriage is a declaration to everyone that your dp is "the one" you love and rely on and you want everyone else to accept that fact. When you've got a marriage certificate acceptance of that person's role in your life seems almost automatic by everybody (no raised eyebrows or anything). Clearly your dp sees it slightly differently though! Have a talk with him once you've got your thoughts togethter.

starfish2 · 07/12/2007 09:55

I just need to add my two pence worth...
Dh and I got married after 15 years together, when dd was 1.4.
Before then we had our wills sorted with a solicitor, and sorted all our joint finaces properly. The marriage (in a registry) was far cheaper than the solicitor's fees.
We were aware that if anything happened to one of us, the decision about what could be done would be made by someone else, and it would not necessarily be what we wanted.

I resisted getting married for all those years, saying it would not make a difference. Nope, it did not make a difference to our relationship, I am very happy to say. The difference is legal.

I agree we should fight for more cohabitees rights, but in the meantime it seems to be the most practical solution.

And when there is anything to do with the kids, official busybodies want both signatures. If you are married only one signature will do (plus the marriage certificate )

The last thing, but I am nearly certain it will not apply to you... I am not British, and I had been here for 14 years before dd was born. But because the European Treaty that allows me to work/live here is not the same as British Immigration Law, and because we were not married (yes, he is in all relevant documentation relating to dd), dd has not been allowed to take British nationality. We have to sort it out separately. More paperwork and hassle than signing one piece of marriage paper...

SSStollenzeit · 07/12/2007 10:11

well if there's "no point and it's just a piece of paper", how could you not go ahead with it in order to stop the person you love and the mother of your dc being unhappy?

If sharing a life with someone doesn't involve doing things you may not want to in order to make that person happy or prevent them feeling sad, then I don't see the point in THAT

TBH in his case I think it is all about control of (his) finances

BroccoliSpears · 07/12/2007 10:32

Hmmm... not sure about that Dropdeadfred. Probably not. I would get any pensions or payouts from his company though, plus all private pensions of his in the cases where a wife would have got them.

Dropdeadfred · 07/12/2007 10:42

I think at present you get a £1000 widows lump payment and £80 a week for a year if you are made a widow/er. Then a proportion of your spouses pension added to yours when you claim it.

Not a huge amount, but to anyone without other pensions etc it could be a lifeline.

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