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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get married after 11 years together and 1 child?

93 replies

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:49

Am I?

My dp is dead against the idea & always has been. Sample of his argument: 'what is the point... its just a piece of paper... uneccesary fuss and expense...blah blah'. But I want to get married and always have.

This row flares up every time someone we know gets married (like his best friend who has just announced his wedding & prompted this latest row).

Would make my life a lot happier if I could just accept the situation, but I hate the fact that he dosent want to marry me.

Its really boring to keep rowing about the same thing- but we just seem to be stuck.

Today he said he would 'just to stop the nagging' and that I'm making his life a misery. I told him he was emotianally retarded and he could poke his very romantic offer.

Argh! Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 07/12/2007 10:44

It isn't just a piece of paper it counts for a lot when you have a child and should he die first.

On the other hand, if it is just a piece of paper to him why not do it for you?

robinredbreast · 07/12/2007 11:07

glitter, id say to him
you make me feel,
,like you dont really love me, i am worth more than that.if it doesnt mean anything to you,wheres the problem as it does to me

the problem is you want him ,to want to marry you.
you want love and romance,and there is nothing wrong with that

you have a right to feel special and
important.

do you find that family and friends, keep asking you, when you are going to get hitched? which i think does add to the pressure

LoveAngelGabriel · 07/12/2007 11:08

We have been together for 6 years and have a nearly-3 yr old son. We got married in June. It was the best thing we ever could have done. My husband was incredibly resistant to the idea for a long time. His reasons were varied, but basically boiled down to him not seeing why we needed a piece of paper to prove our love etc. My reasons for wanting to get married were varied, but boiled down to one issue: security.
I wanted the financial and legal security, but also the emotional security (which may sound daft, but I was sick of introducing him as a my boyfriend - I wanted a husband! Someone who had stood up in the eyes of the law and in front of our families and said 'this is a lifelong commitment').

My husband eventually 'came round' after a weekend away where I poured my heart out to him about why it was so important to me. We had a tiny registry office wedding (just parents and siblings), and went on a lovely, romantic honeymoon afterwards which crystallised for both of us why we were together in the first place. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since we married. Even my husband has had to admit - it has made a difference. We both feel a renewed sense of love and pride in each other now that we are husband and wife, which is hard to explain, but it is definitely there. My husband also sees how happy it has made me, and that makes him happy. Financially and legally, it has simplified everything, from the purchase of our new house to joint savings accounts and the making of our will.

I firmly believe that there are clear benefits to marriage, even in this day and age. There is the obvious and undeniable legal /financial benefit, but there is also still something incredibly romantic and beautiful about two people standing up infront of their loved ones and declaring their love and commitment to each other.

I guess it boils down to how important this is to you, and whether or not your partner is willing to take that on board. He is obviously not likely to get down on bended knee and propose (my husband didn't either! He rolled over in bed at 7am and said 'Ok, let's get married then' ). But all hope is not lost if you have a good, loving relationship with good communication. perhaps what is needed is a weekend away where you discuss the situation again? Worth a shot.

robinredbreast · 07/12/2007 11:24

awww love angel thats really nice

Mungarra · 07/12/2007 11:45

As the others said, just getting married is very easy and cheap - it cost us about £100 to get married at the registry office. We had 5 guests and went out for a meal afterwards.

If the house is in his name and he has no will, the house will go to other relatives - not you. You may have to go to Court to get the house for your child. Even if the house is left to you in a will, you would have to pay inheritance tax on it (can you afford to do that without having to sell the house?)

Being married also makes things more straightforward in terms of pensions and insurance. It also gives him legal responsibility for the child. Unmarried fathers used not to be entitled to that without agreement from the mother (I don't know how old your child is).

It is not a piece of paper. It is a legal document, which helps to protect you and your child from ending up without your home.

LizzyL · 07/12/2007 12:36

GK, whether you do get married or not you need to talk to your DP about getting your name on the house you're living in and a proper share of the assets. ATM, without that you are not entitled to anything if he dies and may have to pay inheritance tax as well AND more importantly, if you split up for any reason you are entitled only to the value of the payments (if any) you have made to the house. You are not entitled to a half share or anything.

Basically, this means that if you were to split up, you and DC will have nothing except what you can get out of the child support agency and that is not a lot.

Good luck.

TheStepfordChav · 07/12/2007 13:04

Loveangel, well put. My proposal was 'We might as well get married, I get on OK with your parents' !!

HarkTheHassledAngelsSing · 07/12/2007 13:18

My DP and I married in April after 12 years and 2 DCs together. I have 2 older DCs from a previous marriage, and because that ended badly I was very reluctant to get married again. Also because of the "if it's not broken, don't try to fix it" pronciple. We married eventually for the legal aspects - additional security for me and the children.

But when the ceremony actually happened, it was so much more than that - making a public declaration of your love and commitment in front of witnesses is a wonderful experience. And that's what people like the OP, who want to get married but find it hard to articulate why, are looking for. Good luck Glitterkitty - you need to do some serious talking in a way that doesn't sound like nagging.

jojosmaman · 07/12/2007 13:30

Glad to hear I am not alone then! I have been with DP for 13 years and have one ds (10mths) and I mention marriage all the time.. Why? I want to be Mrs xxx and I want to have the same name as my son! I am not bothered as to whether we get married at the registry office or in a church, I even said I would be happy to use my mums wedding ring that she gave me as it fits perfectly.

I used to laugh about it with friends and stuff but actually recently since we have had ds it means more to me and it hasnt helped that his younger dp has announced his engagement as have half of our friends

DP says, jokingly I hope, that he still hasnt decided if I'm the one!! I have now taken to replying "well, you snooze you lose..!"

wheresthehamster · 07/12/2007 13:39

Just read through the whole thread and was going to post what Lizzy said. You have nothing at the moment and if he isn't prepared to get married you MUST get some legal entitlement sorted out for yourself.

Dp and I are coming up for our silver jubilee next month and luckily all the 'when are you getting married' comments have died off by now

With regard to legal and money matters being more straightforward if you are married that is no excuse for complacency. You need to be aware. My friend's husband became ill and they decided to use their joint savings on round the clock care. When he died his will revealed he had left the house and assets to his children from a previous marriage and she was forced to move and make other arrangements after 20 years of marriage. Apparently he had told her he had put the house in joint names but she had never bothered to check

TheYoungVisiter · 07/12/2007 20:13

Christ almighty hampster - what is it with these men? What a total shit.

FWIW all the assets in my marriage are mine, so in terms of cold cash I would have been much better off not marrying - but DP supported me through maternity leave, paid the mortgage while I was off work, loved me, held my hair back when I was suffering morning sickness, helped me through bereavement, watched our son being born. How can you set all that against a few thousand quid? Of course the house is in our joint names - our lives were irretrievably linked long ago, now even our DNA is intertwined with DS. A joint account is nothing in comparison.

Why do so many blokes see creating a joint account as a bigger deal than creating a baby? It honestly baffles me.

blueshoes · 07/12/2007 21:08

well said, youngvisitor. It is called 'doing the right thing'. Anything short of it is just an excuse.

TheYoungVisiter · 07/12/2007 21:38

btw before I start coming on like Mary Whitehouse, I don't think that people HAVE to get married, cohabiting certainly worked for us for a long time, but basic financial decency towards your other half, especially when there's a child involved, is surely non-negotiable?

drosophila · 08/12/2007 18:36

Brocoli - I have legally given him parental rights over our child - How do you do that????

seeker · 09/12/2007 07:05

If a child is born after 2003 (I think - but check!) and the father is named on the birth certificate, then both parents have equal parental rights and responsibilities, regardless of marital staus. Before that, you have to get a form witnessed by a Commissioner for Oaths. It's really easy and our solicitor didn't even charge us for it.

look here

seeker · 09/12/2007 07:08

If you want to have the same name as your children you can! There is no law which says they have to have their father's last name. And you don't have to be married to change your name either.

Original poster

glitterkitty · 09/12/2007 11:38

Just had a chance to get beck to this thread- manic 2 days with baby teething.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied. What I actually did was to get my dp to read the whole thread- not my original intention! But I thought it might help him see it from others point of view- not just mine and his which are very polarised.

I really think it has helped- I have now backed off and am leaving him to mull it over, but I'm hoping we can come to an arrangement over a suitably quiet wedding this year.

Still might not happen though- and my back up plan is to get wills etc sorted. The hassle of that will probably make a quiet wedding sound much more appealing!

I read all the posts and so glad Im not alone and that the general consensous seems to be I'm not being unreasonable. Thank you thank you all!

OP posts:

drosophila · 10/12/2007 14:43

thanks seeker

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