To say there are some decent men

[Poppyscone]

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

I think almost everyone has a dark side that they dont show or arent even aware. Obviously in Wayne's case thats magnified massively and there is no excuse for what he did. But i dont any of us are 100% good intentioned all of the time. Take intrusive thoughts for example (i know alot about this because i OCD and get a lot of them) ever had a horrible/scary/nasty thought pop into your head and just feel a bit weird because its so random? mine are mostly to do with my children, if one of them misbehaves something horrible might momentarily flash up in my mind and i feel disgusted at my thought.

But i often think. What intrusive thoughts do some men get? i bet some of them perverted and screwed up, they keep it to themselves..but what if they start to enjoy those thoughts and think about making them a reality. the realisation of this makes me feel sick sometimes and question if i really do know my dad, brother or husband that well at all.

sorry if my answer is a little incoherent, my keyboard is playing up!

Honestly? There are shitty men but the ones who are violent to the point of abuse definitely have some form of mental disorder.
Casual misogyny as a result of the patriarchy etc is one thing but to kidnap and kill a woman something is seriously wrong.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-reality-corner/201302/behind-the-veil-inside-the-mind-men-who-abuse%3famp

There is no point is saying ‘teach men not to abuse’ they’re not to be easily reasoned with.

I firmly believe it's the vast majority of men nowadays who ARE capable of shit behaviour. I have been on and off a well known hook up site for a couple of years and the behaviour I see of men on there is repulsive. These are so called normal family men,husband's,father's,brothers. They view women as merely bits of meat that they are entitled to use as they wish. I laugh hollowly when I hear a woman declare her husband would never cheat.
Frankly NAMALT can do one.

Of course there are decent ones, but we don't need to hear loads of people come on and humble brag about how their bloke helps out around the house so deserves a medal.

All the bad men out there presumably have wives/mothers/sisters who also think their decent men, it's always somebody else's man who's the villain.

Fuck this shit. Especially today.

My eldest is 16 but I clearly remember 1 midwife visit when I was pregnant with her. DH left the room, she checked he had gone and produced a leaflet. She was clear she wasn't insinuating anything, but in case I needed help. She also said I might not need help, but I would know somebody who would.

The leaflet was about domestic violence. 1 in 3 women.

Horrendous.

So yes. Either a few men are extremely busy and are likely polygamous. Or misogyny and violence against women and girls is widespread and common.

Sarah

Are you angry with ‘women’ when you hear one went off and partied while their baby starved to death?

To the pp who asked this, did you read any of the threads on here about that? The woman in question was torn to shreds. There were one or two comments saying they wondered if something else was going on under the surface, but the majority of posters absolutely roasted her. So yes, we get angry with all sorts of injustice that threatens women and children. This is just one of many.

Read the room. At least wait a week before posting threads like this? Yesterday and today we have Sarah Everard's case, today we have Sabine Nessa.

Just look at this pic of the news today - it's filled with different ways men have hurt women, and two of them were policemen. Allow women to be angry fgs.

@Jasmine11

If they are so decent why are they not lobbying their MPs/protesting outside parliament/patrolling the streets to make sure women are safe. Turning a blind eye does not make a man decent. The bar has been set so low. All men are complicit in allowing a society that is full of violence against women.

Yes! This! It was nauseating how many men were pretending to be all woke and shocked after Sarah's murder. They can't have not known how shit it is to be a woman and have to be so careful all the time. They just didn't give a shit until something bad happened to a pretty blonde woman. I've been shouted down anytime I've tried to explain to men how vulnerable I feel walking around at night. I've been called pathetic by both men and women for wanting a partner to come and meet me from the station or for wanting to take an Uber rather than walk.

Men are full of talk but they never actually DO anything, do they? Who was at Sarah's vigil? Mostly women. Where are all these actions men put in place after her murder? We've now had another innocent woman murdered while minding her own business. It never changes.

Yes exactly
How many men were at her vigil, were they too frightened that an angry mob would go for them, or did they simply not give enough of a fuck

@CandyLeBonBon,

THE woman was roasted, women were not.

Evil people deserve what they get. Innocent people don’t.

Sorry OP but I agree with most people on this. We know MOST men are lovely or at least not awful. What an incredibly tone deaf thread. It takes Jess Phillips four minutes to read out the names of women killed every year. You think you’re doing something amazing and stand out by saying your husband is lovely. He’s not special. This is how men should be, he doesn’t get a medal for it. More and more women are being killed by men. Focus on that rather than how men are such victims. Especially today.

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@CandyLeBonBon,

THE woman was roasted, women were not.

Evil people deserve what they get. Innocent people don’t.[/quote]
Standing by while other men made crude jokes or behave badly to women is not being innocent. Any man who doesn't actively fight misogyny is contributing to it. And that's almost all of them.

I have no words. If you can't see why this is the wrong time to brag about how fabulous your DH and sons are, there is not much to be said.

Not All Men, Not All Men, but how many go home and wank off to women being choked on the Internet? Enough to see a massive increase in its popularity.

Honestly, anyone with a small dose of common sense knows not all men are rapists, murders or generally scum of the earth and that the majority of men are nice enough blokes. It is however ALL women who are affected by dim witted blokes who think it is ok to treat you like you are worthless or there to be pawed at. Regrettably at the age of 42, there is not one woman in my circles of friends who hasn't been groped, attacked, made to feel unsafe, had unsolicited dick pics sent, or endure cat calls or the old chestnut of being called a slut or a frigid bitch for not returning attention. Until both men and the women who defend such behaviour as 'just a joke' start challenging these attitudes alas Sarah and Sabina's names wont be the last victims names we hear in court.

TheReluctantPhoenix
I find this being angry with men because of one man so weird

Well yes, it would be if that was what was happening, but it’s not.
Try harder to actually listen to women.

I know lots of decent men. Obviously I don’t know how they behave when I am not there but to my face they are lovely. My sons are also lovely, kind, thoughtful and funny. They would also not ever hurt a women. We do have a problem with men being violent and abusive in this society but as well as criticising the negative, we should praise the positive. Society is changing - we know what we don’t want but we need to also keep in mind what we do want.

If society is changing why is there still so much violence

Everyone thinks their dad/husband/brother are the good ones. Sure there are good ones but I honestly believe they're in the minority when it comes to sexism/perverted creeps.

I had a long term boyfriend in my late teens/throughout my twenties. He was the sweetest man I knew - kind, had a charming naivety to him and we were partners in every way, in fact he probably pulled his weight domestically more than I did. One night after too much booze he told me a story about when he and his group of (very friendly, respectable, educated) friends went on holidays before I met him. One of the guys had brought a girl back to the apartment and they slept together. The girl was passed out sleeping and numerous guys in the group assaulted her while the others looked on. Even though I was quite drunk when he told me this (lord knows why he thought it was a good idea to tell me?!) I was furious, livid with rage. His defence? "But she was a slut?!" And he then got angry at me for me being angry?!

It's been about 15 years since he told me that story and it still haunts me. That was the night I realised that even the "good" guys aren't good and my idealism that it was just a few "bad apples" faded. Those guys are married with children now, respectable, intelligent, very "nice" people with mothers and sisters and wives who would never in a million years think their darling son, brother, husband would be capable of sexual assault.

Men are a massive, massive problem and it's not being tackled. I despair for my two young DDs futures. I only hope the parents of boys raise a better generation than the ones that came before them...

I'm sick of this.
WE KNOW.
We know that not all men are bad. We know they aren't all rapists. We know they aren't all abusers. We know they aren't all murderers.
If women seriously thought that all men- or even a comfortable majority of men- were LIKELY to do these things then we'd never go near them. We wouldn't submit to being arrested by them, or go on dates with them, or have children with them, or remain alone with them, or go out at night with men around.
But we do, because we know that most wouldn't. We just don't know which ones would.
And every time you hear about a woman who was strangled during sex, or killed by a man she met online, or abused by her partner, or raped by an acquaintance, or attacked by a stranger, or kidnapped, raped and murdered by a fucking police officer... That man was being given the benefit of the doubt. He was being treated like a perfectly safe boyfriend/ date/ husband/ friend/ member of the public. Because we KNOW that not all men are like that. And we ACT like not all men are like that. And it hurts us again and again and again.

@Underamour

I know lots of decent men. Obviously I don’t know how they behave when I am not there but to my face they are lovely. My sons are also lovely, kind, thoughtful and funny. They would also not ever hurt a women. We do have a problem with men being violent and abusive in this society but as well as criticising the negative, we should praise the positive. Society is changing - we know what we don’t want but we need to also keep in mind what we do want.

Being nice to your face and not hurting women isn't praise worthy. It's the absolute bare minimum.

@TheCloudBotherer

I'm sick of this. WE KNOW. We know that not all men are bad. We know they aren't all rapists. We know they aren't all abusers. We know they aren't all murderers. If women seriously thought that all men- or even a comfortable majority of men- were LIKELY to do these things then we'd never go near them. We wouldn't submit to being arrested by them, or go on dates with them, or have children with them, or remain alone with them, or go out at night with men around. But we do, because we know that most wouldn't. We just don't know which ones would. And every time you hear about a woman who was strangled during sex, or killed by a man she met online, or abused by her partner, or raped by an acquaintance, or attacked by a stranger, or kidnapped, raped and murdered by a fucking police officer... That man was being given the benefit of the doubt. He was being treated like a perfectly safe boyfriend/ date/ husband/ friend/ member of the public. Because we KNOW that not all men are like that. And we ACT like not all men are like that. And it hurts us again and again and again.

This. Every fucking word. Thankyou for articulating this in a way that was escaping me.

Can I borrow it please?

@TheCloudBotherer

I'm sick of this. WE KNOW. We know that not all men are bad. We know they aren't all rapists. We know they aren't all abusers. We know they aren't all murderers. If women seriously thought that all men- or even a comfortable majority of men- were LIKELY to do these things then we'd never go near them. We wouldn't submit to being arrested by them, or go on dates with them, or have children with them, or remain alone with them, or go out at night with men around. But we do, because we know that most wouldn't. We just don't know which ones would. And every time you hear about a woman who was strangled during sex, or killed by a man she met online, or abused by her partner, or raped by an acquaintance, or attacked by a stranger, or kidnapped, raped and murdered by a fucking police officer... That man was being given the benefit of the doubt. He was being treated like a perfectly safe boyfriend/ date/ husband/ friend/ member of the public. Because we KNOW that not all men are like that. And we ACT like not all men are like that. And it hurts us again and again and again.

Thank you. Exactly this. I have been LUCKY enough in my life, and I know it’s pure luck, to have never been assaulted by a stranger or raped or murdered. It’s luck. That’s it.

Can I borrow it please?
Go ahead.