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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there are some decent men

717 replies

Poppyscone · 30/09/2021 15:31

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

OP posts:
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6
CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 19:50

it's crazy how low the bar is, isn't it?

Puffalicious · 30/09/2021 19:50

@Thatsjustwhatithink

This thread needs to go.

Male violence is relentless. Worse than terrorism. Worse than the pandemic. It's the constant latent threat that the female population of the world face from men. And all men are part of that.

All men? What do you mean?
PicsInRed · 30/09/2021 19:53

My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”

10/10 for making a young woman's brutal murder all about him. Poor him, hugs for him, a whole thread about him, all about his feelings, all about him.

He doesn't sound like a good one.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 19:55

@WoodburnersRUs

Poor Mrs Couzens. But I don’t believe that in retrospect she didn’t know. She may not have thought “my police officer husband is going to arrest, rape and murder a woman of an evening” but I feel quite when she heard what had happened she had a horrified, flash of “that doesn’t surprise me” or a feeling that that was what he had been building up to. An explanation of his behaviour prior to the events.

Of COURSE she says she had no inkling because what will the reaction be to her if she says otherwise? You should have left him! How could you! You never stopped him! This is YOUR fault!

But I don’t believe she was completely blindsided. She didn’t know he would do THAT. But when she was told he did it, some things fell in to place. And she hated herself for it. She was just relieved he was out that night instead of creating an unbearably toxic frightening atmosphere at home.

Supposition. But I guess I’m right.

Do you write fiction for a living?

That womans world has been turned upside down by that monster too.

I hope @MNHQ delete your post.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/09/2021 19:57

@WoodburnersRUs

Poor Mrs Couzens. But I don’t believe that in retrospect she didn’t know. She may not have thought “my police officer husband is going to arrest, rape and murder a woman of an evening” but I feel quite when she heard what had happened she had a horrified, flash of “that doesn’t surprise me” or a feeling that that was what he had been building up to. An explanation of his behaviour prior to the events.

Of COURSE she says she had no inkling because what will the reaction be to her if she says otherwise? You should have left him! How could you! You never stopped him! This is YOUR fault!

But I don’t believe she was completely blindsided. She didn’t know he would do THAT. But when she was told he did it, some things fell in to place. And she hated herself for it. She was just relieved he was out that night instead of creating an unbearably toxic frightening atmosphere at home.

Supposition. But I guess I’m right.

Cognitive dissonance. You might know that your partner is a bit brash, tells blue jokes with the lads etc and that maybe your friends avoid him, but of course he modified his behaviour in front of you and those tiny niggles get buried because on their own they're not enough. And of course NO-ONE ever thinks their son/brother/husband is THAT sort of man. It's like being in a covertly abusive relationship. Cognitive dissonance often means you just can't join the dots.

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision and anyone suggesting his wife knew (and therefore should have been able to stop him) needs to not do that. She is not responsible for her husband's actions.

How many of us TRULY know how the men in our lives talk about women when there are none around to hear? I think we'd be unpleasantly surprised I'm afraid.

FourTeaFallOut · 30/09/2021 19:57

Supposition. But I guess I’m right

I think you have spelt slander wrong.

immersivereader · 30/09/2021 19:58

What gets me is that women are humans. HUMANS. Like men. But men don't seem bothered about the other humans? I. E. Women?

birdglasspen · 30/09/2021 19:59

How do men sort out their sex? Parents should bring up their children to respect themselves and woman.

Jasmine11 · 30/09/2021 19:59

If they are so decent why are they not lobbying their MPs/protesting outside parliament/patrolling the streets to make sure women are safe. Turning a blind eye does not make a man decent. The bar has been set so low. All men are complicit in allowing a society that is full of violence against women.

Anonymous48 · 30/09/2021 20:01

I've never felt the need to start a thread about something awful my husband has done, because he doesn't do awful things. I'm not going to post about my husband being a completely normal and decent man because that would be boring. So of course the majority of posts about husbands are going to be about the not so good ones, even though (I hope) the majority of men are decent.

WoodburnersRUs · 30/09/2021 20:02

🤷‍♀️ It’s not her fault. But I don’t think she was as surprised as his old primary school teacher might have been. Hindsight is 20:20. If my exH punched a police officer, I wouldn’t be THAT surprised. I wouldn’t expect him to do it. But I wouldn’t be that surprised after the fact. WC is pure evil. His wife must have had an inkling. Not her fault that he murdered a woman but she wasn’t as surprised as his average acquaintance.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/09/2021 20:04

@WoodburnersRUs you need to stop speculating about his wife. It's ghoulish.

Ell17 · 30/09/2021 20:05

@WoodburnersRUs

🤷‍♀️ It’s not her fault. But I don’t think she was as surprised as his old primary school teacher might have been. Hindsight is 20:20. If my exH punched a police officer, I wouldn’t be THAT surprised. I wouldn’t expect him to do it. But I wouldn’t be that surprised after the fact. WC is pure evil. His wife must have had an inkling. Not her fault that he murdered a woman but she wasn’t as surprised as his average acquaintance.
Why wouldn't you be surprised if your exH punched a police officer?? That's odd?
EmoIsntDead · 30/09/2021 20:05

@TheReluctantPhoenix

I find this being angry with men because of one man so weird.

Are you angry with ‘women’ when you hear one went off and partied while their baby starved to death? Or dogs, when one dog attacks a child. What happened to individual responsibility?

There seems to be a lot of anger with men voiced, but the vote is, thankfully. a lot more even.

Do you live a fucking bubble? You would have to be INCREDIBLY dense to not realise that male violence is a major threat to women WORLDWIDE EVERY DAY.
TheAntiGardener · 30/09/2021 20:07

I think of misogyny as being very similar to that theory of health and safety that represents a pyramid with high-occurrence, low-impact risks at the bottom and rare catastrophes at the top. Idea being that you create a culture of safety by taking extremely seriously and reducing the number of things at the bottom of the pyramid in order to eliminate as far as possible the things higher up. You make it so that it is simply unthinkable to tolerate unsafe conditions.

We need to stop seeing these murders as isolated incidents carried out by people who are intrinsically outside the norms of society. We are all swimming in a sea of misogyny - at the bottom it’s thoughtless jokes and micro aggressions and then it feeds up to people who act on that all the way up to murder.

And this kneejerk NAMALT reaction that some women have is really puzzling and infuriating. We don’t help ourselves by being afraid of (other) women’s anger. I don’t see black people falling over themselves to talk about their lovely white friend or family member after another racist incident hits the news, and rightly so. Men really don’t need defending here.

WoodburnersRUs · 30/09/2021 20:08

I’m responding to a comment…. And also saying that women burbling about how marvellous their husbands are, aren’t always entirely truthful. And retrospective views can change your opinion a lot.

Puffalicious · 30/09/2021 20:10

@WoodburnersRUs

I’m responding to a comment…. And also saying that women burbling about how marvellous their husbands are, aren’t always entirely truthful. And retrospective views can change your opinion a lot.
Truthfully my DH is marvellous. Om really, really bloody lucky. It doesn't mean that I don't recognise that many, many men are fucking deplorable.
WoodburnersRUs · 30/09/2021 20:10

@Ell17 he’s a twat. I wouldn’t predict that specific thing. But if someone said “your exH was outside a pub and being lairy and the police tried to pull him away and he tried to punch one of them”, I would think “yeah, well, he’s an authority hating twat with no brakes which is why I divorced him”.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 20:11

@WoodburnersRUs

🤷‍♀️ It’s not her fault. But I don’t think she was as surprised as his old primary school teacher might have been. Hindsight is 20:20. If my exH punched a police officer, I wouldn’t be THAT surprised. I wouldn’t expect him to do it. But I wouldn’t be that surprised after the fact. WC is pure evil. His wife must have had an inkling. Not her fault that he murdered a woman but she wasn’t as surprised as his average acquaintance.
You have no idea about her whatsoever, and your little 'shrug' emoji whilst accusing a woman of not being surprised her husband kidnapped, raped, murdered then burned someone shows that you think its something to flippantly gossip about. That poor woman doesn't need internet detectives sharing their accusations and making her life that bit worse.
Annasgirl · 30/09/2021 20:11

@Thatsjustwhatithink

This thread needs to go.

Male violence is relentless. Worse than terrorism. Worse than the pandemic. It's the constant latent threat that the female population of the world face from men. And all men are part of that.

Yes , I agree.

RIP Sarah.

EmoIsntDead · 30/09/2021 20:12

The internalised misogyny from so of you here is both fucking infuriating and sickening.

To the OP @Poppyscone you should be ashamed of yourself for starting this fucking dumpster fire of a thread on a day like today.

WoodburnersRUs · 30/09/2021 20:12

@ Puffalicious good! This is a lovely thing. It’s not the case with a lot of women though and those are the ones who feel shame or don’t want to talk about behaviour of their men, when it doesn’t reflect on them at all. I’m glad you have a lovely husband.

DontWantTheRivalry · 30/09/2021 20:13

Amid all the hysterical posturing, I have to ask: Do any of you have sons?

I have sons and all I can do is raise them to be kind, gentle and respectful of women and for them to not even doubt that women are their equals.

I get nervous if I’m alone and there is a man near me that I don’t know. Statistics and media coverage has done this to me as I have not experienced anything to cause me to be scared of men on a personal level.

I do believe that men are to be feared and I can completely understand why a lot of women feel extremely vulnerable and at risk around them.

Ell17 · 30/09/2021 20:15

[quote WoodburnersRUs]@Ell17 he’s a twat. I wouldn’t predict that specific thing. But if someone said “your exH was outside a pub and being lairy and the police tried to pull him away and he tried to punch one of them”, I would think “yeah, well, he’s an authority hating twat with no brakes which is why I divorced him”.[/quote]
I'm sorry you married that, but glad you're out

Puffalicious · 30/09/2021 20:16

@WoodburnersRUs

@ Puffalicious good! This is a lovely thing. It’s not the case with a lot of women though and those are the ones who feel shame or don’t want to talk about behaviour of their men, when it doesn’t reflect on them at all. I’m glad you have a lovely husband.
Thankyou. I'm glad too. I thank the stars for him everyday- I waited a long time for him. I've experienced my best friend make excuses for a selfish shit of man for 20 years. Not abusive, not violent, not a cheater just a selfish shit who clearly didn't love her. It's funny how she minimised it as she thought it reflected on her. Other women must do this even more when their men have done worse. A great point.