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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there are some decent men

717 replies

Poppyscone · 30/09/2021 15:31

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

OP posts:
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6
SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 13:56

@Tevion28

I'm pretty sure there are alot of men that wouldn't indulge in this behaviour so how to get thier voices out there.
They might not indulge in misogynistic behaviour but how many of them challenge it?

Only yesterday I was verbally harassed by a man on a train. Not one of his friends told him to pack it in..... these were men in their 40s/50s who should know better. Apparently it was my fault for not smiling sweetly and engaging with them when they asked me where I lived and where I was going.

Only a few weeks ago I was leaving a pub and a man in his 40s grabbed me and told me to get on my knees and 'suck him off'. This was in a busy street and again, not one of his friends stepped in and the police parked up nearby didn't want to know.

Another time I was in a train and a man was harrowing two young girls in school uniform. Nobody but me stepped despite the train being busy.

I have literally hundreds of examples of this.
I'm in my 40's and pretty confident. I'll challenge this behaviour but I shouldn't have to!!

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 13:57

*harassing not harrowing

Dutch1e · 03/10/2021 15:22

@Tevion28

I don't know the answers I'm afraid but I don't want to spend my life thinking all men are potential murderers and rapists etc how miserable is that.
You go for a lot of runs at night in wooded areas do you? (If you like to run). Cheerfully walk through crowds of drunken blokes with total trust that they have your best interests at heart? Happy to travel alone?

Or do you subconsciously give yourself a curfew and subconsciously stay on high alert while telling yourself you have no patience for the idea that all men are potential rapists and murderers.

EspressoDoubleShot · 03/10/2021 17:51

As @Dutch1e says I (and most women) adapt behaviour to manage risk men pose to me
I get a cab home, I don’t take short cross through park, I have phone ready, I’ve dawdledto at shop window let men pass me so they’re not behind, I walk in well lit area, I have 365app so partner can see location where I am.

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 18:44

Yep. I have the 360 app so DH can see where I am.
We both find it reassuring

Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 19:19

God this is just so awful it makes me depressed

Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 19:22

Dutch1e I refuse to tiptoe around anybody and will do what the hell i want I will walk through that group with my head held high not like a victim

QueenofKattegat · 03/10/2021 19:28

@DontWantTheRivalry

Does anyone find it weird when women justify or try and explain what makes their partner a “good man”.

“He does his fair share of the housework, he looks after me when I’m ill, he is great with the children, he cooks” etc etc

So he’s just being a normal person then?!

I find it honestly repulsive. I know most people will say that's an overreaction but I don't care. The type of women that feel the need to do this, to NAMALT all over the place, to start threads like this, I just cannot fathom it.

Randomly it reminds me of early 90s chatrooms, the type of man we used to call a "white knight", who would take it upon himself to step in and 'defend' women from other men, so he could then paint himself as one of the good guys. Pick me girls, I saved you, I'm one of the good ones. I imagine these women to be like that. I'm a cool girl, I defend men, I'm not like those hairy feminists, pick me. Nauseating.

Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 19:32

I'm guessing men who witness bad behaviour by other men don't intervene in case they get turned on or make themselves look like a outcast

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 20:01

@Tevion28

Dutch1e I refuse to tiptoe around anybody and will do what the hell i want I will walk through that group with my head held high not like a victim
That's easy to say if you've never been sexually assaulted or truly feared that you might be ......

I'm very confident, outspoken and will stand up for myself but I still moderate and change my behaviour in certain situations.

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 20:02

@Tevion28

I'm guessing men who witness bad behaviour by other men don't intervene in case they get turned on or make themselves look like a outcast
Oh, well that's okay then. Let's just crack on 🙄
AICM · 03/10/2021 20:44

My DH is lovely. He does everything that a decent man should do and in addition to that does many lovely things for me just because he wants to.

He's also spent many years working 2 jobs when I was out of work. He never moaned or complained, looking back on those years I actually feel he took on much more of a burden that was fair - I was way too picky about jobs and he paid the price.

He has also spent more time with my mother than any married man is obliged to zns still is the one to make suggestions on taking her out and pushing her wheelchair around. He's pushed that wheelchair 10 times mors often than her actual son has.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2021 20:54

So ?

Durbeyfield · 03/10/2021 21:02

Exactly. What is your point?

zambra · 03/10/2021 21:13

Of course there are decent men in the world. What kind of a question is that?

Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 21:32

If we become fearful we are already victims

AICM · 03/10/2021 21:32

@AnyFucker

So ?
Clearly I touched a nerve.
PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2021 21:34

@Tevion28

If we become fearful we are already victims
I don’t agree. Sometimes fear is a logical response and some of us are fearful because we’ve been victims in the past. It’s letting fear rule your life that’s the problem. What’s the cliche-feel the fear but do it anyway?
Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 21:37

My anger would get the better of me tbh if I felt a man was out to intimidate me.

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 21:38

@AICM

My DH is lovely. He does everything that a decent man should do and in addition to that does many lovely things for me just because he wants to.

He's also spent many years working 2 jobs when I was out of work. He never moaned or complained, looking back on those years I actually feel he took on much more of a burden that was fair - I was way too picky about jobs and he paid the price.

He has also spent more time with my mother than any married man is obliged to zns still is the one to make suggestions on taking her out and pushing her wheelchair around. He's pushed that wheelchair 10 times mors often than her actual son has.

It's wonderful that you have a lovely DH. I have one too.

However, that doesn't detract from the real issues.....

We know it's not all men but it is some men and it's very difficult to pick out the bad ones sometimes - my mum's boyfriend was so lovely and would do anything for her and us.....until he wasn't and he killed her.

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 21:40

@Tevion28

My anger would get the better of me tbh if I felt a man was out to intimidate me.
And if he was stronger than you? Or there was more than one?

My mums boyfriend killed her while she was asleep. She didn't have a chance to to let anger get the better of her.

SkinnyMirror · 03/10/2021 21:41

@Tevion28

If we become fearful we are already victims
So what do we do? Ignore the very real threat??? Pretend it doesn't exist?
PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2021 21:42

@Tevion28

My anger would get the better of me tbh if I felt a man was out to intimidate me.
It’s pretty easy to say that until you’re being mugged by someone with a knife.
Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 21:43

I would do everything in my power to the b

Tevion28 · 03/10/2021 21:44

I'm only saying you can't go around thinking about this all of the time it will consume you.