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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
vixeyann · 30/09/2021 15:18

I would be celebrating it the way I thought my son would enjoy most and it probably wouldn't be at the party you describe so, I don't think you are being unreasonable. When you are 9, birthdays are everything - 30 not so much so!

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 15:19

@Beautiful3

I don't think it's a nice feeling for a child to share their birthday with another person. Your sons birthday should be about him. I'd plan stuff he wants to do and book it. I wouldn't go to bils birthday party. I'd.post a card though.
Yes OP - because its your BIL's fault that your son was born on his birthday.

Still, twins and triplets seem to manage.

The child may find out that others (gasp!) at school share his birthday - what will he do then?

StoppinBy · 30/09/2021 15:20

I would ask your MIL about doing a birthday celebration at the party before making any decision.

If she is on board......great! If not.......I probably wouldn't go.

I don't think that an entire day needs to revolve around a birthday child but I also wouldn't make my child come to a family birthday party on the day of their birthday when the intention is to ignore that it's their birthday too, that feels very mean.

StoppinBy · 30/09/2021 15:26

@LukeEvansWife I am an identical twin and it is totally different to this situation because one twin's birthday generally isn't ignored while the other one's birthday is celebrated.

My sister and I live in different states and I visited her on our 30th birthdays. All my sister's friends celebrated her birthday and ignored that it was my birthday completely, I didn't expect presents or anything like that of course but the numerous times her different friends wished her a happy birthday or sang her a happy birthday it felt really awkward and uncomfortable just standing there being ignored.

My sister being a bit self absorbed didn't even think to mention that as twins we celebrated the same birthday.

DammedifIdo · 30/09/2021 15:26

Figure out what your son wants and go from there. Afterall that's what mil is doing.
Personally 9 is more important than 30, and I imagine that ds and bil feel the same. You are his mum and are responsible for his birthday.
Also, lunch isn't 1-2 hours and will impact on your plans for the day.
Honestly, we would have done a double celebration on Sunday and invited your family and gone for a more the merrier type of thing or a sophisticated dinner if just for bil in the evening but not on ds birthday

achainisonlyasstrong · 30/09/2021 15:28

If you think your son will be overlooked on his birthday and won't have a good time at Brother in law's birthday YANBU. If mother in law will make a fuss over your son and he will enjoy the party YABU. I think you should do what makes your son happy on his birthday. Birthdays are pretty magical when you are 9.

cabingirl · 30/09/2021 15:30

YABU - it's one of the big birthdays.

Have a party for your son with all his gifts from friends etc the day before. Explain that the next day on his actual birthday he'll get more gifts from family, but there's also going to be a celebration for his uncle.

Make sure that he's got some presents from you etc so he has some things to open. Make sure he's got his own cake or representation on the BIL cakes. Liaise with you MIL to make sure it's special for DS too.

Twylar · 30/09/2021 15:31

YABVU

LAMPS1 · 30/09/2021 15:34

If my son had a 30th birthday on the same day as my grandson’s 9th birthday, there would be no way on this earth I could invite both birthday boys to celebrate at a party where only one of the two birthdays was recognised.
I find it unthinkable that MIL wouldn’t make it a joint family birthday celebration with a cake for each of them.
YANBU. I wouldn’t be able to go either. It would be so hurtful to your DS.

WhiskeyNeverStartsToTasteNice · 30/09/2021 15:36

I'm slightly surprised at the replies saying what a big deal a 30th birthday is. Is it really? I don't think any adult birthdays (except maybe 18th and 70/80th) are that much of a big thing! I think it would be fine to say you can't attend as it clashes with your son's birthday party, or hold your son's birthday celebration before or after the lunch if you really feel you have to show your face.

Notonthestairs · 30/09/2021 15:38

"My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked."

Doesn't it really depend on what this means? Could be either end of the scale or somewhere in between.

Personally I can't imagine a grandparent ignoring a child's birthday - but that's just my experience.

Holly60 · 30/09/2021 15:38

YABU. You can do both.

Holly60 · 30/09/2021 15:40

Also don’t forget it’s your DH’s brother’s 30th. When your son turns 30, do you think there is a part of you which would really like it if his siblings (if he has any) are there to celebrate with him?

pelosi · 30/09/2021 15:41

I'm with OP, it will be weird for a 9 year old to see everyone make a fuss of his uncle's birthday and completely ignore his own.

That's what it sounds like, that people will have little idea that it's DS's birthday too and won't know to make a fuss of him or get him a card.

Kids are sensitive to these things.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 15:48

I'm with OP, it will be weird for a 9 year old to see everyone make a fuss of his uncle's birthday and completely ignore his own.
Why are you assuming it'll be ignored? They're hardly likely to ignore him, and I doubt the grownup bil will be opening his presents in the restaurant?!

Floralnomad · 30/09/2021 15:48

Just go to your BILs party on the day and do something just for your son the next day or the day before if the birthday is on a sunday . I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. When kids birthdays are on a school day they often just get their gifts and have to wait until the weekend for a party / day out whatever .

QueenBee52 · 30/09/2021 15:50

@Summerbreeze4

I would definitely make it all about your son on his special day. Go to the zoo or cinema etc. 30 year old will cope with out you. I would decline along the lines of sorry we cant make that day as you know it’s …. Birthday and we have tickets for the zoo and a meal afterwards planned. Or might you even have his party that day. There is no way I would not focus the whole day on my child on his birthday.

this with bloody bells on... 🎉

QueenBee52 · 30/09/2021 15:51

@Brefugee

30th birthdays are more of a thing than 9th. If you don't want to go, don't go but don't try to make the family choose. That's just mean.

how fucked up is this 🤣

Chewbecca · 30/09/2021 16:00

YABU! Celebrate both!

pelosi · 30/09/2021 16:02

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm with OP, it will be weird for a 9 year old to see everyone make a fuss of his uncle's birthday and completely ignore his own. Why are you assuming it'll be ignored? They're hardly likely to ignore him, and I doubt the grownup bil will be opening his presents in the restaurant?!
That’s why I said ‘it seems’, because that’s the impression I get from the OP, that this is not a party where DS’s birthday will be acknowledged.
blubberyboo · 30/09/2021 16:07

Yabu on this one

It’s only one year and a 30th is special enough. It will only take 2 hours of your time and you can celebrate sons birthday the rest of the day.
Your son is also old enough to recognise that other people share his birthday

gannett · 30/09/2021 16:09

I would definitely make it all about your son on his special day. Go to the zoo or cinema etc. 30 year old will cope with out you.
I would decline along the lines of sorry we cant make that day as you know it’s …. Birthday and we have tickets for the zoo and a meal afterwards planned. Or might you even have his party that day. There is no way I would not focus the whole day on my child on his birthday.

I'm sure the 30yo will cope fine but should OP be informing her husband that no, he can't go to his own brother's birthday? Or is that also less important than rigidly sticking to the calendar to make some bizarre point?

Peoniesandpeaches · 30/09/2021 16:10

If he had school on the day of his birthday you wouldn’t take the day off so does it really matter if he doesn’t celebrate his birthday on the actual day. From your post it seems this is a big family get together and a chance for your son to get to know the family so if you don’t take him to this party he is missing out in another way. Kids move the date of their celebration all the time due to school, other kids parties etc so this is no different.

QueenBee52 · 30/09/2021 16:10

@blubberyboo

Yabu on this one

It’s only one year and a 30th is special enough. It will only take 2 hours of your time and you can celebrate sons birthday the rest of the day.
Your son is also old enough to recognise that other people share his birthday

Imagine telling your 9yr old Son that your ignoring his Birthday until tomorrow because unfortunately its also your ManChild uncles 30th...

WTAF .. 🤣

Lots of Child haters on here today 😂

gannett · 30/09/2021 16:15

Imagine telling your 9yr old Son that your ignoring his Birthday until tomorrow because unfortunately its also your ManChild uncles 30th...

Did I miss a key post about the uncle or are you always in the habit of tossing around nasty epithets about people on no evidence whatsoever?

He's turning 30 and a party is being arranged for him. Put him in the stocks!!!