Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 30/09/2021 14:25

Just work around this, as in Your Son has presents at home, before the other party.. it's not an issue really.

SpicyTool75 · 30/09/2021 14:28

I don't think you are BU at all. This is her grandchilds birthday too, she's known this for 9 years. Why can't she hold a party for both.
I would hate to arrive to a 30th, knowing a child/member of the family had the same birthday and I didn't bring a card for them.
Granny is unreasonable. Has she not even mentioned your son?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/09/2021 14:30

I don't understand this at all, OP. Why would you want to separate your son from the rest of his family? Is he not able to understand that his uncle (with whom he presumably has a relationship also) has a birthday on the same day?

I too think you're storing up problems and you'll rue the day - or your son will - when you make such pointed absence when there's no need. Don't be surprised if your fit of pique means that your son doesn't feature in the family to the degree you would like if you're prepared to do this to other family members?

Do the wider family not buy gifts for your son on his birthday/Christmas?

I'd be really surprised if your child's uncle begrudged your son also receiving gifts at the event but it sounds as if you not only want to celebrate your son's birthday, you want to revere it to the exclusion of anybody else. It's your choice I supposed but, tread carefully and considerately - for your son's sake, not your own sensibilities.

SVRT19674 · 30/09/2021 14:31

I am with you, not popular though, a fully grown man can take it on the chin, for a kid all birthdays are special.

hardboiledeggs · 30/09/2021 14:32

YABU. 30 is a big birthday. Its one year Confused don't see why you are even worried about it.

purpleboy · 30/09/2021 14:33

Can you ask mil to make it a joint event. So they both get a cake, sung happy birthday to, and other family meme bets are aware it's a party for 2 people.

Bonheurdupasse · 30/09/2021 14:36

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I don't understand this at all, OP. Why would you want to separate your son from the rest of his family? Is he not able to understand that his uncle (with whom he presumably has a relationship also) has a birthday on the same day?

I too think you're storing up problems and you'll rue the day - or your son will - when you make such pointed absence when there's no need. Don't be surprised if your fit of pique means that your son doesn't feature in the family to the degree you would like if you're prepared to do this to other family members?

Do the wider family not buy gifts for your son on his birthday/Christmas?

I'd be really surprised if your child's uncle begrudged your son also receiving gifts at the event but it sounds as if you not only want to celebrate your son's birthday, you want to revere it to the exclusion of anybody else. It's your choice I supposed but, tread carefully and considerately - for your son's sake, not your own sensibilities.

This - OP, you would be wise to mind this
NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 30/09/2021 14:37

YABU, you can make a fuss of him still but it's his uncles 30th

gannett · 30/09/2021 14:39

@SVRT19674

I am with you, not popular though, a fully grown man can take it on the chin, for a kid all birthdays are special.
Take WHAT on the chin though?

I don't know what you're suggesting happen in this situation. MIL should cancel the party? Throw a kids' party instead? The entire family should abandon the plans they've made to pay homage to OP's son instead? BIL should give up the party his mother's throwing for him?

I'm sure MIL and BIL will cope if OP stamps her foot and refuses to go, though this obviously puts her husband in a difficult position.

HeadPain · 30/09/2021 14:39

YANBU

Tresal · 30/09/2021 14:41

It will put your DH in a tricky position if you don’t go. He will have to miss a big family event or his son’s birthday. Surely it is possible to combine the two.

MrsMiddleMother · 30/09/2021 14:42

YANBU. 30 isn't a big or special birthday, he's a grown man. If it wasn't on their actual birthday I'd go but seeing as it is I'd give it a miss personally.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 14:46

Sorry OP, I think you're being unreasonable too.

30 is a big birthday, 9 isn't. Plus you have all day to so something for your son, and this way he gets to see his dad's side of the family in the evening. Maybe you could plan something with your own family the following day so he also has that to look forward to?

Also, I don't think it's at all weird that people who know your BIL but not your son would be bringing him gifts but not your child, and I don't think even a 9yo would think that was weird either.

Maybe your MIL could moot it as a bit of a joint even when she invites people so that they are at least aware it's also your son's birthday, in case they would have liked to bring something for him.

Sally872 · 30/09/2021 14:49

What would you do if it was a child in Sam's class had a party on your sons birthday? Miss out, or go and expect to be included or work around by celebrating a different day?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 14:50

@MrsMiddleMother

YANBU. 30 isn't a big or special birthday, he's a grown man. If it wasn't on their actual birthday I'd go but seeing as it is I'd give it a miss personally.
"30 isn't a big or special birthday"

Yes it is.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 14:51
  • He has a party with school friends on another day
  • He opens his presents in the morning of his birthday
  • Goes to uncle's birthday lunch
  • Has family birthday tea at home

My kids open their presents from us and have a little birthday tea at home or dinner out on their actual birthday as more often than not it falls in the week and we are working and at school. Any parties or get togethers with friends were always at the weekend so not necessarily on their actual birthday. I don't really understand the drama unless there is a lot more to this.

ittakes2 · 30/09/2021 14:54

I have twins and I love making a big fuss of their birthdays but even I think you are being unreasonable. Unless he has special needs a 9 year old can get his head around an uncle getting birthday presents for his 30th and not getting some himself. As long as you celebrate his birthday - support his uncle and teach him family is important and its not all me me me!

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 14:55

What would you do if it was a child in Sam's class had a party on your sons birthday? Miss out, or go and expect to be included or work around by celebrating a different day?

We’d probably have our own plans so wouldn’t go unless our child wanted to. But it’s a bit different to going to a party where you are overlooked by your own family on your birthday

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 14:56

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I don't understand this at all, OP. Why would you want to separate your son from the rest of his family? Is he not able to understand that his uncle (with whom he presumably has a relationship also) has a birthday on the same day?

I too think you're storing up problems and you'll rue the day - or your son will - when you make such pointed absence when there's no need. Don't be surprised if your fit of pique means that your son doesn't feature in the family to the degree you would like if you're prepared to do this to other family members?

Do the wider family not buy gifts for your son on his birthday/Christmas?

I'd be really surprised if your child's uncle begrudged your son also receiving gifts at the event but it sounds as if you not only want to celebrate your son's birthday, you want to revere it to the exclusion of anybody else. It's your choice I supposed but, tread carefully and considerately - for your son's sake, not your own sensibilities.

In addition to my above comment, I do agree with this.

Your son and his uncle presumably know they share a birthday. I'd expect MIL, uncle etc to bring their gifts for your son to this meal, so in effect it will be his celebration too.

Your family's absence from your DH's brother's big family birthday celebration will obviously be noted, it's just not worth it.

GraceAnatomy · 30/09/2021 14:57

I totally get it. I would want to celebrate my child's birthday over anyone else's.

At 9, kids generally get so excited for their birthday so to expect them to sit at a table with family while they celebrate an adults birthday and ignore theirs is a little cruel.

Speak to your husband, get him to talk to your in law (or who ever is organising this meal) and say something like that it's unfair for a child to be basically a bystander when it is their birthday too, so you will be bringing a cake for your son so he can blow out candles and have a little bit of a fuss made over him. Hopefully your husband is on the same wavelength as you.

The in-laws are aware that the kid and uncle share a birthday, so they'll have a chance to celebrate with both of them at the same time. There's absolutely no harm in making it inclusive for both the Birthday Boys. I get that it's a "landmark birthday" turning 30 but personally I feel that it shouldn't take presidence over a wee kid.

Where you able to celebrate our sons birthday last year with family ? For my family, my sons 13th and both parents 70th were in lockdown so were not properly celebrated.

Also... I'd be pinning a ridiculously oversized "Birthday Boy" badge on him.... 🤭

I hope your son has a fantastic birthday.

GnomeDePlume · 30/09/2021 14:58

YANBU

When did 30th birthdays become a thing?

I shared my birthday with DF in early January (rubbish time of year for a birthday) which basically meant I never had that 'special day'.

When it looked like one of DCs was possibly going to be born on my birthday (ELCS) I asked for the day to be moved so that they would never have to share their birthday with close family. It was crap enough for me, I didnt need to inflict it on my DCs as well.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 14:59

[quote AngelDelight28]@gannett A child's birthday is the one day of the year when they're allowed to have everything revolve around them. [/quote]
And what if it's a school day?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 15:00

When did 30th birthdays become a thing?

Decade birthdays have always been a thing. Apart from 20th as it tends to be 21st which is celebrated.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 15:04

At 9, kids generally get so excited for their birthday so to expect them to sit at a table with family while they celebrate an adults birthday and ignore theirs is a little cruel.

I don't really see why it's cruel to spend a few hours celebrating with your wider family? His siblings and any cousins will be there, a big family party/lunch is unlikely to be a stoic affair.

Regardless of MIL not making much of a fuss of OP's children, I am sure other family members will. If they know it's his birthday, they will likely bring gifts or at least cards, so I genuinely can't see how he will be overlooked.

SpicyTool75 · 30/09/2021 15:16

For those comparing this to another childs birthday, this is not the same. This is the birthday childs family too, not some strangers family.
And the party/family lunch is presumably during the day and not a late night piss up in a pub.
I don't see why the GM doesn't tell the family she has already invited that it's also ANOTHER FAMILY members birthday the same day.
No big deal, nice to celebrate both while they have the chance. OP can bring a cake for the child and everyone's happy.